I am 25 and from Europe, Germany to be specific.
I suffered some injuries to my penis this year and it made my life go batshit crazy, feels like hell.
In the past I had some normal trouble with anxiety when I was new to a girl but in a longtime relationship in the past I have always been rock hard and could go several times a day.
Sex was always a pleasure and easy to have, even a long time.
I then had sex in the cowgirl position in the beginning of 2018 and wasnt fully hard anymore, so she unwillingly kinda overbent me. She rode me a little weird. Thats when the ED problem really started. Maybe some nerves were hurt, idk. No big pain that time. She even finished me with her hands. But my inner voice told me there was something wrong.
So then.. I had some trouble gettin and stayin hard after that and only some days later I probably gripped too hard while masturbating because I became partly soft again and guess I injured my left corpora. No big pain also, but discomfort, a lower hang for a two days.
Both times I didnt seek immidiate help because there was no major bruising, swelling, pain, whatsoever. And well it still worked.. I thought the ED problem was mainly porn and/or anxiety related.
By that time I didnt even know the words corpora or ED. I thought it will be alright with some rest.
But then my dick suddenly curved to the left. Severely. When i am semi laying on my back its up to 90degrees - when I get hard with the right stimulation its only 10degrees or even less, the curve wouldnt bother me if I could get hard constantly. But its not doing a lot without touching it all the time..
Also new prominent veins appeared on the sides of my dick.
My guess today is: my dorsal supply was first cut off with the girl and I then grabbed too firmly to stay hard and injured some of the smooth muscle cells and part of the tunica, bucks fascia, you name it. Thats what is scarred now, causing the bend and contributing to the ED.
This was when shit slowly really hit the fan. I became depressed, paranoid, anxiety-ridden, desperate. I went to the first local uro and was diagnosed with Peyronies after palpation. I went to university clinics not finding any plaque but admitting it feels very stiff on the left. I saw every specialist reachable, I even drove to Vienna to see Dr Kühhas. He told me bloodflow looks good on Doppler but the injection he gave me didnt even get me any hard.. This happened several times when I had appointments. No real solutions were offered.
I had an MRI with a bent, close to hard boner after 30ug Caverject that showed a 'shunt' (dont know if its the right word in English) which means the artery and a vein came togehter what makes my outflow very high. Also they told me that there is loss in volume of the left cavernosa.
Shit.. I can also tell this from the outside! Theres a clear indentation/curve.
All these weeks of despair sent me down a rabbit hole of research, hope, broken hope, sometimes halfway morning wood, erection checking, desperation, hopelessness.
I dont know after which Uro but sometime this year I couldnt continue my life anymore.
I dropped out of my apprenticeship/school because I couldnt concentrate anymore, I dropped out of my sports club because I was ashamed of my hard flaccid shrunken dick, I didnt answer calls or messages from friends anymore, I stopped leaving the house thinking this will drive me insane or to death. I lay in bed allday, got up to eat only and research the hell out of this shit. I have seen everything meanwhile. My parents didnt know how to help anymore, I had no idea how to move forward. I lost all joy, I lost contacts, I lost life.
So I went to a psychosomatic ward for 3 months until recently. Little did it help, some new ideas, insights and new friends I found but still the core remains and doesnt seem to disappear.
My ED, injury, Peyronie's, venous leakage, whatsoever became my life. I cannot even enjoy a full movie on netflix. I am constantly.with my problem(s).
I blame myself for not paying attention enough, I often hate myself. I hope this nightmare ends soon and I wake up.
My parents know about it, I live with them. My brother and his fiance knows, some friends know, eventually the whole village, sports club, school where I went to, grandma, aunt, everybody will know that my dick is the reason why I disappeared and why I am hiding. It fucks with my mind so much, that I could not somehow keep it for myself and handle this. But what can I do? I just broke down. I cannot hide that I feel bad, half a man, not able to pursue any goals.
I have always been the guy people referred to as the happy-chill out with guy, everbody likes me and my attitudes and now I am a wreck. A real wreck and I am scared of the future.
I did sports 20 of my 25years, always been a connecting type of guy, I could handle every other character. And now I feel like fucking social phobia. No job, no degree, depression, ED, bent dick.
No chance for girls, love, life. I am 25 and have a crisis so deep I could not have imagined, not even with some other diagnosis.
And I recognize so many things I did wrong in my early adulthood. I smoked way too much weed, did too many other drugs to party and to discover the abilities of our minds, watched to much porn, didnt listen to my awesome ex gf enough, didnt get the hints of life/god/destiny. Lost the connection to my soul. Thats what I feel like. I had everything and I myself put it on the table and lost it.. I cannot wrap my hand around all this.
Still, until my dick problems started I was doing good all in all. The year started well, I was fit, apprenticeship was fun, I smoked less, I was really looking forward and getting rid of my bad habits.
Now I am at the very ground, not motivated to do about anything but get my junk fixed anyhow.
But I dont know how, docs here are no help anymore. Where is the stem cell treatment, where is the modern era? My situation doesnt improve, I guess it can only get worse.
I am sober as long as never before, dont watch porn anymore and still I feel worse than ever in my life before and not proud at all. I dont know what step to take next, I really do not.
How to protect me, my ego, my family? People worry about me, dont know why I dont get out anymore, why I stopped hanging with my boys, why I dont work, etc. I lost my laughter, my lightness, my sociality, my language skills, everything what made me strong.
When they finally hear its about the D, they will just laugh their ass off or pity me.
My family doesnt know how to go on with this regarding public interest, we are very connected in town.
I dont want to be treated differently, I dont wanna talk about my dick and my depression, I just want to live again. But this condition paralyzes me.
Everytime I pee, every second of the day I want it to end, I want to slap my face how things went, I wanna realize its just a bad trip..
I went from fully socially integrated, well loved and respected, starting a social profession, with tons of friends and sports mates, fit and potent - to paranoid, flushed by anxiety and shame, isolated, without a job, depressed and with obsessive thought loops that I cannot go on like this very long. I see no light at the tunnel. I was very handsome, girls like me but I am just a mess.
I dont even want a girl in this physical condition and psychologically I cannot have one either. This is my worst nightmare coming true, guys.
My plan for the rest of summer is doing a 6 to 8 weeks pilgrimage in Spain (again, I already did one 2016, 650km of hiking 'to find myself', meet interesting people and come to terms with the weed, porn, disciplin and shit - it was very awesome but I still kinda failed as you could read..) and bring my mind to rest a little.
Continuing Cialis daily and supplementation of garlic, ginger, gingko, green tea to support blood flow. I want to analyze my situation, get fit again, talk to strangers, girls about my situation and making a decision whether or not I will go for an implant end of this year. If I see improvement in hardness, morning wood and general appereance maybe I won't.
My guess is I have to. But I am open for surprises.
My corpora is firm allday, dick in turtling mode, only when I lay down and do deep breathing it gets kinda soft again. Left side is much worse.
My flaccid dick shrunk in length and girth, my erect dick mainly in girth and stability.
I would even say I also have problems with the suspensory ligament because its very floppy at the base when Im hard and flaccid my dick rolls to the left often. But man, I can't have all of these problemes, can I?
Only I and my ex girl really know my old dick and this today has nothing to do with it. Even when some doctors tell me they see nothing wrong.
My parents would even come up with what I need to see Kramer for an implant.. in the hope that I would start living again. Its just so hard for me, knowing that everybody I know will more or less know what my condition is. Village life is hard for me now, the echo spreads fast I guess. I just shiver when thinking about my situation, I wanna escape but I can't.
Its the best place to live here, I love it. Still I hate leaving the house now and dont wanna meet nobody who knows my former self. Everyone will ask what happened the last months, and I have no adequate answer that will satisfy both sides. I dont wanna lie to friends, but I also dont want them to know whats up exactly. My whole life is a paradoxon and switched upside down since February.
Just wanted to let this out and say Hello to everyone!
This is a great board for every man suffering from this condition. Still I feel a little like an outkast because of my age and because I had such weird injuries and because I lost my shit so much.
It changed me over night. I hope I can comeback and become a functional member of society and a loving, potent man again.
