Moving on...

[secondchance]

I started having ED symptoms 4 years ago. At the time my mental health wasn't the best so this ED really put me in a dark devastated state. I did a penile doppler to measure blood flow which showed arterial insufficiency (20cm/sec). Doctors told me I'm fine and dismissed me with a Cialis prescription. After two years of this mess I looked into shockwave therapy which was way beyond my budget(4000$). I found some guys online who were using cheap shockwave therapy machines from Aliexpress with great results. So I studied their protocols and gave it a try. This stupidity ended up giving me permanent urinary leakage, I leak urine all day... On top of that i developed soft glans syndrome. A rare syndrome that keeps your glans and corpus spongiosum from engorgement during an erection. So the best i can get from an implant is cavernosum rigidity with a floppy glans and spongiosum.

Lately I've been torturing myself wishing i hadn't done this shockwave DIY therapy. I spend my days hating myself because I was so ignorant and reckless to do this to myself. Basically I put myself down all day, torturing myself. It got so bad I was suicidal, trying to find ways to kill myself in a way that it would be seen as an accident, not suicide. I figured suicide would be too hard on my loved ones and that an accident would be easier for them to move on from.

Now I'm trying to be kinder to myself and acknowledge that this wasn't my fault, many men were doing it with great results and it seemed like a good idea that many men in my position would've tried. Maybe this is just my fate. Maybe this is what god wanted for me and I need to find greater purpose in my life. I've enjoyed the beauty of many women in my life and it's a tragedy that I have to move on from that... So it's suicide or trying to find another reason to live and move on...

[Pedi10]

Suicide is the cowards way out, and is horrible for those who love you and won't understand why you did that to them. You still have a purpose in life you just need to know that.

[Lawnman]

I hate to see you blame yourself for your difficulties. You did what you thought was best at the time.
Have you reached out to a mental health therapist? Such an individual can do wonders for your outlook.
I understand that you must feel desperate. However, I would hate to see you take the suicide route. I am sure many of us on this site have contemplated doing the same. We are all in a difficult situation. Somehow, the passage of time can make these things easier to deal with.
Counseling, and time, have worked for me.
I think I can safely say that all of us on this site wish you the best.

[secondchance]

I hate to see you blame yourself for your difficulties. You did what you thought was best at the time.
Have you reached out to a mental health therapist? Such an individual can do wonders for your outlook.
I understand that you must feel desperate. However, I would hate to see you take the suicide route. I am sure many of us on this site have contemplated doing the same. We are all in a difficult situation. Somehow, the passage of time can make these things easier to deal with.
Counseling, and time, have worked for me.
I think I can safely say that all of us on this site wish you the best.

Hey Lawnman, thanks for the reply. You're the second person that tells me its not my fault, and that really helps a hell of a lot. Thank you. I'm supposed to get a call tomorrow about getting a therapist, I really think my days are numbered without one. Sometimes I can get myself together but sometimes it kicks the shit out of me. I was excited about getting an implant but now it seems with my situation it will only take me halfway, and is that really worth the trouble for me? Not sure at this point... I know I'm a strong person but sometimes I don't wanna be, so i can just turn to drugs and numb it all out or overdose. I have a video consultation with Dr Clavell August 1st. Maybe he will have answers or something of value towards my particular situation. For now it's just me against me i guess... Thanks.

[AKJess]

I started having ED symptoms 4 years ago. At the time my mental health wasn't the best so this ED really put me in a dark devastated state. I did a penile doppler to measure blood flow which showed arterial insufficiency (20cm/sec). Doctors told me I'm fine and dismissed me with a Cialis prescription. After two years of this mess I looked into shockwave therapy which was way beyond my budget(4000$). I found some guys online who were using cheap shockwave therapy machines from Aliexpress with great results. So I studied their protocols and gave it a try. This stupidity ended up giving me permanent urinary leakage, I leak urine all day... On top of that i developed soft glans syndrome. A rare syndrome that keeps your glans and corpus spongiosum from engorgement during an erection. So the best i can get from an implant is cavernosum rigidity with a floppy glans and spongiosum.

Lately I've been torturing myself wishing i hadn't done this shockwave DIY therapy. I spend my days hating myself because I was so ignorant and reckless to do this to myself. Basically I put myself down all day, torturing myself. It got so bad I was suicidal, trying to find ways to kill myself in a way that it would be seen as an accident, not suicide. I figured suicide would be too hard on my loved ones and that an accident would be easier for them to move on from.

Now I'm trying to be kinder to myself and acknowledge that this wasn't my fault, many men were doing it with great results and it seemed like a good idea that many men in my position would've tried. Maybe this is just my fate. Maybe this is what god wanted for me and I need to find greater purpose in my life. I've enjoyed the beauty of many women in my life and it's a tragedy that I have to move on from that... So it's suicide or trying to find another reason to live and move on...

We all do things in life where we may second guess our actions, and that's okay. When things don't go as planned, it's natural for people to blame themselves. I am happy to hear you have decided to seek help and push forward, that takes strength. I wish my words could help with your situation, but know that many people here can relate with you to some degree. Hang tough brother, and if you need an ear to bend, I'm happy to loan one.
Best

[Al1962]

OP, secondchance. Suicide is so sad to be in that frame of mind. Your loved onse will nevver understand and it will haunt them.
Just the fact that you have come here and had the guts to post means so much. You put a lot into the postand are definetly in pain. I am good at feeling sorry for my self. I come here and read these stories of these guys doing what they have to do, they have guts. So much valuable info. A good Urologist is always going to be the first real effort. There are ideas coming and more to come for dealing with this.
I feel worthless at times. There are times I wonder how many cats I can get nbefore the neighbors call me 'That Crazy Cat Guy'. This site is the place to read and type.
P.s. Not in a good frame of mind. I had a failed attempt last night with a friend. I am not done yet, it was still nice to naked with another person.