Why am I such an asshole when I get horny?

[Old Guy]

I feel like an asshole because last night I hurt the wife's feelings bad. Whenever I get past the point of horniness my mind begins thinking of bad things. Last night I accused her of sleeping around. That's because we haven't had sex in close to two weeks. Two nights ago she said tonight, came to bed at 8:30 and she' falls asleep while I'm in the bathroom. Next night come to bed early and 5 minutes later she has a headache. She rolls over and goes to sleep. I toss and turn then she wakes up and says I'll help you if you want. Meaning she'll help me masturbate. I asked why she doesn't want to have sex with me, are you getting it elsewhere? That was the wrong thing to say.
Backstory- Our sex life was great in the beginning, and for over 20 years. When my ED began it went down the tubes. With pills and injections I was able to maintain, for a while. Since my implant it's only been occasionally, lately with COVID it's even less because of her work in childcare.
It all goes back to one thing she said to her friend at our daughters wedding 10 years ago. She just had surgery to remove her woman parts, friend asked what necessitated that at such a young age. The wife spouted out miscarriage, then immediately looked at me and says you didn't hear that. I had a vasectomy right after our daughter was born. Yes I questioned her about it once, which ended up a big fight and denial. But that memory will not leave my mind. When I get past that point of horny it comes back.
Any other of you guys have issues if you get too horny?

[bldoink]

Not the same way but yeah I can get cranky and short tempered.

[Lost Sheep]

I don't think you are an asshole. Your feelings are completely understandable. They are reactions to a very strong stimulus and you should not need to apologize for your feelings. Perhaps for how you expressed them, but NOT for having them.

I have good news and bad news.

The bad news is that

The wife spouted out miscarriage, then immediately looked at me and says you didn't hear that. I had a vasectomy right after our daughter was born.

if it happened in one of the television police dramas, that would amount to a confession.

And, yes, to throw that up to your wife years later is pretty asshole-like.

In your defense, you two have never settled the issue - and it deserves to be, for the sake of your marriage. And towards her indictment, she has never made amends and now is cold towards your desires for sex and (presumably) emotional intimacy.

The good news is that the likelihood of her infidelity at this time is low.

But your marriage needs some maintenance, just as a house needs periodic maintenance.

The good news is that such maintenance is fairly easy and successful.

Facing and addressing troublesome questions is like spring cleaning. Get some fresh air in there.

I recommend contacting marriage counselor to guide you in opening (healthy) communication with your wife. If she is not willing to go (at first, or ever) go by yourself.

A possible opening line for you is to (long before bedtime) say to your wife, "I apologize for accusing you of having sex outside our marriage. We have never cleared the air about something you said 10 years ago that has troubled my mind and my heart ever since. I love you and refrained from bringing it up because it would be too painful for me, but clearly, bottling up my feelings has the potential for them to explode out and hurt you, and me, and our marriage. Would you be willing to go with me to a counselor to help me get my feelings sorted out?"

In this way, no accusation is made for her current behavior nor her past behavior. And it appeals to her 1) self-interest in maintaining the marriage and 2) her instinct to maintain her home life and family and 3) her interest in supporting her husband of over 20 years.

Yes, horniness, especially when frustrated, can generate our baser instincts. But our instincts developed for a reason. Use this rough patch as a launch pad to repairing your relationship. Please.

[WhiteCane]

I think the two of you need to have a conversation about that. There are things that result from miscarriages such as endometriosis that flare up from time to time but can also remain dormant for years. She might have had a miscarriage before your daughter was born and the pregnancy might’ve caused more frequent flareups or just general pain in the area more often. I know that my girlfriend had a miscarriage and in typical human nature fashion, she was just as worried to tell me about that as I was to tell her about my erectile dysfunction in the beginning of our relationship. We humans are so worried about our genitalia.
To answer the initial part of your question though… It’s hormones, my friend… We all have some kind of chemical/mood reaction when those puppies fire up. I hope this reaches you well!

[Lost Sheep]

I don't think you are an asshole. Your feelings are completely understandable. They are reactions to a very strong stimulus and you should not need to apologize for your feelings. Perhaps for how you expressed them, but NOT for having them.

I have good news and bad news.

The bad news is that

The wife spouted out miscarriage, then immediately looked at me and says you didn't hear that. I had a vasectomy right after our daughter was born.

if it happened in one of the television police dramas, that would amount to a confession.

And, yes, to throw that up to your wife years later is pretty asshole-like.

In your defense, you two have never settled the issue - and it deserves to be, for the sake of your marriage. And towards her indictment, she has never made amends and now is cold towards your desires for sex and (presumablye) emotional intimacy.

The good news is that the likelihood of her infidelity at this time is low.

But your marriage needs some maintenance, just as a house needs periodic maintenance.

The good news is that such maintenance is fairly easy and successful.

Facing and addressing troublesome questions is like spring cleaning.

I recommend contacting marriage counselor to guide you in opening (healthy) communication with your wife. If she is not willing to go (at first, or ever) go by yourself.

A possible opening line for you is to (long before bedtime) say to your wife, "I apologize for accusing you of having sex outside our marriage. We have never cleared the air about something you said 10 years ago that has troubled my mind and my heart ever since. I love you and refrained from bringing it up because it would be too painful for me, but clearly, bottling up my feelings has the potential for them to explode out and hurt you, and me, and our marriage. Would you be willing to go with me to a counselor to help me get my feelings sorted out?"

In this way, no accusation is made for her current behavior nor her past behavior. And it appeals to her 1) self-interest in maintaining the marriage and 2) her instinct to maintain her home life and family and 3) her interest in supporting her husband of over 20 years.

(edited to add) It also avoids saying that she has anything to sort out. That could make her defensive.

Yes, horniness, especially when frustrated, can generate our baser instincts. But our instincts developed for a reason. Use this rough patch as a launch pad to repairing your relationship. Please.

[GoodWood]

As I read your post the old saying, “if it’s hysterical, it’s historical” came to mind. Meaning: when my reaction to something seems out of proportion, it’s because I’m reacting to some past event. In this case you seem to have identified it as the miscarriage comment.

Sometimes when I recognize the actual source that is enough for me to get things right sized again. Sometimes I need to talk them through. You’ll figure out what you need to do.

[Old Guy]

Thanks for your replies guys. I do know I need to sort this out in my head. Planned to discuss it with the wife last night but after a day of blaming myself ended up with a migraine, and I was the one who fell asleep.
This morning as we woke up she did reach over and grab my hand, which is usually her signal she is in the mood. Don't know why but I just couldn't bring myself to act on it.

A possible opening line for you is to (long before bedtime) say to your wife, "I apologize for accusing you of having sex outside our marriage. We have never cleared the air about something you said 10 years ago that has troubled my mind and my heart ever since. I love you and refrained from bringing it up because it would be too painful for me, but clearly, bottling up my feelings has the potential for them to explode out and hurt you, and me, and our marriage. Would you be willing to go with me to a counselor to help me get my feelings sorted out?"

Lost Sheep, thanks for this. ^ I can never find the right words without sounding like an asshole sometimes.

[notaes]

Old Guy

My wife and I have had many issues over our 36 year marriage. It all boils down to ONE thing. Lack of sex! Everytime I don’t get what I need something fucks up our relationship. I know this sounds selfish. It is selfish. I am one of those guy who has to have it! I am dead serious. Every time my needs are not satisfied something fucks up our relationship. I can skip sex here and there and occasionally be ok. But if it is compounded by one thing after another and then we miss sex again my fuse is such that it wants to blow. The older I get the better I handle things but I want to be happy. We are both retired and all our kids are grown so we don’t have those stressors to deal with. We both love each other dearly and we are getting better and better about handling things.

[brickbat]

Few are the women in our generation of older men/women who understand just how sexual we men are. Today I was playing with my dick just fondling it as we prepared breakfast. My wife of 48 years scolded me asking why I needed to touch that thing so much.

I have told her over and over how sexual we men are and how we need l sexual touch (probably more than women do) to keep us happy. I have told her the most important thing about my body in our relationship is my dick. She doesnt get it and acts like my touching of myself at opportune times makes me a freak. She has told me that every man CANT be like me and that I am off the charts.

I believe generation XY and Z women learn early how sexual men are because today, porn is everywhere.

Good luck to you Old Guy. Most women are not like men sexually in their drive. A woman who loves sexual touch and touches her man through out the day is definitely in the minority. Just my thoughts and I am open to rebuke.

To Notates: i envy your libido for your age. But in a sense, since my wife is much like your wife, I guess I am glad mine is not as high as yours is

[Old Guy]

notaes- Yea I try to handle the lack of sex better now I am older. Just got irritated with promises and no show.

brickbat- Thought with a wife so much younger I would never lack. Damn aging process, but my libido has always been off the charts and I'm closing in on 70.

Update: Well we talked this out. Not gonna say it was easy, and I still know her feelings were hurt badly. I totally believe her when she says she has never cheated on me. We have made up and had a wonderful time this morning.