Talk with the Wife went well

[Old Guy]

So, I know she's had a lot on her plate at work lately, but in the last three weeks it's only happened once. I tried to engage her twice during the week to no response. That is not her. I mean sometimes it's just plain NO, or I'm too tired, but we go at least once or twice a week.
My other issue is boredom in the bedroom. We've been in a sexual rut for a long time. Every time it's almost always the same routine. And 98% of the time it's me that has to initiate. 36 years ago she was the horniest thing and would always be the one to start things. I miss that.
So, I'm not good at talking about sex with her. I always seem to mis-say something that ends up making her cry. I spent two days writing my feelings into a letter. Kept all the four-letter words out of it. Told her that as much as I love our intimate times, I needed some change and more often. Gave it to her this morning, she read it while I was in the yard. We actually had a good talk when I came in, and she agreed she has been too caught up in work stress to realize. She agreed to make some changes too.
On a separate page I wrote three fantasies I have, nothing wild. I challenged her to fulfill those fantasies. She agreed. She won't get to see any of them until she picks it. I have hopes but have to see what happens.

[AmansinCali]

Oh man Old Guy, don't leave us hanging like that!

[dg_moore]

I learned early on that my wife was not willing to discuss our sex life in any fashion. Even so, until my stroke our relations were good, and satisfying. When the stroke ended it all for me, she was not disappointed at all. This was more than ten years ago, and we have still never discussed it. There's actually nothing to discuss, so it doesn't matter to me.

[Old Guy]

Oh man Old Guy, don't leave us hanging like that!

Sorry, I'm kind of hanging now too.
Backstory on this, she knew how things were and was ready to bed me the night before I gave her the letter. However, we both suffer with herpes, and she broke out in a sore that morning. Once she's healed I'll have to see how if she still agrees to grant my fantasies. Those are simple, watch her masturbate using toys, give me oral to completion (which in 35 years has happened once) and anal (again only once).
I'll follow up with details as things happen, or not.
My hope is IF she fulfills my fantasies it will lead to a more open and changed relationship in the bedroom. She hasn't been the same since her hysterectomy. She has been shy about her body, so I'm hoping making her masturbate while I watch will open her up some.

[AmansinCali]

Old Guy, you got me thinking. You say she has not been the same since menopause, could that be she doesn't feel like a complete woman like we don't feel like a complete man when we have ED?
Seems understanding it that way might make it easier to make her feel like a woman, like putting you in her shoes so to speak.
Women, it's always a challenge, isn't it?

[AnotherOldMan]

She hasn't been the same since her hysterectomy.

I would venture to guess that no woman is! A trap we sometimes fall into is a desire to recreate the "Good Ole Days", which with careful, honest evaluation, had some not so "Good Ole Days" mixed in with the good ones.

I see you are asking for oral and anal, both of which have only happened once in your 30+ years together. I think you should consider what you have to do to make both activities a reoccurring activity not just another one time event. My own experiences are that her pleasure and intensity of orgasms resulting from each sex act is directly proportionate to the frequency she wants to take part in the act.

[Old Guy]

Old Guy, you got me thinking. You say she has not been the same since menopause, could that be she doesn't feel like a complete woman like we don't feel like a complete man when we have ED?
Seems understanding it that way might make it easier to make her feel like a woman, like putting you in her shoes so to speak.
Women, it's always a challenge, isn't it?

Yes, women are always a challenge. She actually never went through menopause; her hysterectomy was due to issues after having babies. She was actually happy to have her woman parts removed and avoid the monthly pain. As soon as the doc cleared her for sex after that she couldn't wait to do it. Her libido was high for a long time after that. Then we kind of fell into that rut of same, same, same.

[Old Guy]

She hasn't been the same since her hysterectomy.

I would venture to guess that no woman is! A trap we sometimes fall into is a desire to recreate the "Good Ole Days", which with careful, honest evaluation, had some not so "Good Ole Days" mixed in with the good ones.

I see you are asking for oral and anal, both of which have only happened once in your 30+ years together. I think you should consider what you have to do to make both activities a reoccurring activity not just another one time event. My own experiences are that her pleasure and intensity of orgasms resulting from each sex act is directly proportionate to the frequency she wants to take part in the act.

I'm not looking to recreate anything, I just want something more than the same old, same old. As far as oral she will do oral on me, but not to the finish. A hang up on gag reflex is my thinking, not wanting my ejaculation in her mouth. That should be easy to overcome now since I don't squirt a big load like I used to. Anal got tried again but my size hurt her. Since ED and my implant and I'm not as big anymore so maybe another try? Also she gets so wet after her orgasm(s) it's tough for me to finish.
My hope is once I can get her to try these things again and see if it enhances our bedroom time, they will become part of our routine.
In a way, yes, I'm being selfish. The last several years the main focus of our sex life has been me pleasing her. It got us into that rut. As much as I always get to finish it's because I am doing the work. The occasional be able to lay back and get pleasured, or change of places, is what I need.

[Wiggles123]

Old Guy,

For me it is and always will be about her pleasure. My orgasm at the end is simply a bonus. I am lucky though, in that my wife loves sex as much or more than I do. She and I like to play for 2 or 3 hours, so the implant is appreciated. I think you need to have more of an open dialogue with your wife - possibly a sex therapy session with a couples counselor. In my situation I have found that the more I concern myself with her pleasure the more she cares about mine. I wouldn't push for anal sex if she's not into it (tons of other things to try).

Best wishes!

[Old Guy]

Old Guy,

For me it is and always will be about her pleasure.
In my situation I have found that the more I concern myself with her pleasure the more she cares about mine. I wouldn't push for anal sex if she's not into it (tons of other things to try).

Best wishes!

That's where we've been at for years. I've been through pills and injections to enable me to pleasure her. It has always been about her orgasms. No matter how I pleasure her, through oral, fingers or penetration, reciprocation has not been one of her traits. I always have to ask (beg?) for any touching or oral. I guess that's what I'm looking to change the most.
As I'm getting older and my stamina is not what it used to be, hitting the big O takes a lot of energy. To be able to lay back and be pleasured to orgasm is a fantasy I've had for quite some time.
I won't push for anal if she objects, not a biggie. I've tried numerous things over our years, toys, dildos, different positions, nothing seems to be to her liking. I did introduce her to a clit vibrator many years ago, and now it gets used every time. As far as a therapy session, she would probably not open up enough to make a difference.