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Hello,

I am a new member (50 years old) and I am trying to get some advice around a problem I have been dealing with for a little over 30 years on and off. This problem absolutely eats away at my psyche and I often call what I have as loser syndrome since young, healthy, well adjusted men do not have to deal with this beast of a problem.

I have fought psychological ED on and off for 30 years. It started as PE with a girl friend (she was a virgin) who was very hot and cold about having sex. When we tried having sex for the first time, I ejaculated before entering and this problem lasted a year. The way I solved the problem was by ejaculating fast the first time and getting hard a second time and the problem went away. I used this technique for several years.

Shortly after I started using this technique, I started to worry about erections. I had several times where I would get an erection during foreplay but lose it before attempting sex. This new problem made me even more distraught and I had times where I would be crying uncontrollably when it occurred.

The problem seemed to disappear when I met whom became my first wife for about four years. I did not need to ejaculate the first time and it seemed as though the problem was behind me. However, one day in 1997 we were attempting to have sex and I had this thought that I ejaculated early. This thought began to consume my mind for days and started to turn into thoughts that I would not be able to get hard. I was very anxious having sex which ran into a vacation we had planned. During this vacation, I lost an erection with my first wife time and I had an episode where I ejaculated with a flaccid penis. We left early since I was so distraught.

The next 10 years was filled with constant ruminations about whether I would be able to get an erection when trying to have sex. I would be constantly bombed with thoughts all day long that I would fail to get an erection. We tried doing sensate focus and I started to turn the activities into tests to see if I could get hard. I was able to get hard about 99% of the time and my attempts with having sex were mostly successful. However, the relief was always short lived and the anxiety returned.

The times when I was unsuccessful though put me on the edge. I had periods I was unsuccessful in being able to have penetrative sex due to losing erections that lasted several months. I went to the ER on several occasions since I was so distraught. The doctors seemed to think I had OCD and I went through two programs to treat OCD. My marriage for several reasons fell apart and we divorced.

I got remarried in 2011 to my present wife. The first couple of years were filled with the same anxieties but my success rate was close to 100%. When I struggled to get an erection, the problem would resolve itself fairly quickly. I thought the problem was gone for good for several years. I lost a significant amount of weight which I found improved my mental health.

The problem started to rear its ugly head again a couple of years ago and the problem seems to be back in full force. Up until very recently, my wife refused to attend any type of counseling with me. The one difference now is that I have tried taking PDEs and shots. The PDEs only work sporadically and the shots make me feel as though I really have loser syndrome.

I honestly feel like I am going to lose it. My erection goes soft anytime I attempt to have sex with my wife and I have all these tests to see if I am ok. The tests are only showing that I am a loser since I have become essentially impotent.
Can anyone relate with this?

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NeedleD wrote:Please complete your signature so others may know more about you to better understand your situation. It really helps!

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turboplanet wrote:Hello,

I am a new member (50 years old) and I am trying to get some advice around a problem I have been dealing with for a little over 30 years on and off. This problem absolutely eats away at my psyche and I often call what I have as loser syndrome since young, healthy, well adjusted men do not have to deal with this beast of a problem.

I have fought psychological ED on and off for 30 years. It started as PE with a girl friend (she was a virgin) who was very hot and cold about having sex. When we tried having sex for the first time, I ejaculated before entering and this problem lasted a year. The way I solved the problem was by ejaculating fast the first time and getting hard a second time and the problem went away. I used this technique for several years.

Shortly after I started using this technique, I started to worry about erections. I had several times where I would get an erection during foreplay but lose it before attempting sex. This new problem made me even more distraught and I had times where I would be crying uncontrollably when it occurred.

The problem seemed to disappear when I met whom became my first wife for about four years. I did not need to ejaculate the first time and it seemed as though the problem was behind me. However, one day in 1997 we were attempting to have sex and I had this thought that I ejaculated early. This thought began to consume my mind for days and started to turn into thoughts that I would not be able to get hard. I was very anxious having sex which ran into a vacation we had planned. During this vacation, I lost an erection with my first wife time and I had an episode where I ejaculated with a flaccid penis. We left early since I was so distraught.

The next 10 years was filled with constant ruminations about whether I would be able to get an erection when trying to have sex. I would be constantly bombed with thoughts all day long that I would fail to get an erection. We tried doing sensate focus and I started to turn the activities into tests to see if I could get hard. I was able to get hard about 99% of the time and my attempts with having sex were mostly successful. However, the relief was always short lived and the anxiety returned.

The times when I was unsuccessful though put me on the edge. I had periods I was unsuccessful in being able to have penetrative sex due to losing erections that lasted several months. I went to the ER on several occasions since I was so distraught. The doctors seemed to think I had OCD and I went through two programs to treat OCD. My marriage for several reasons fell apart and we divorced.

I got remarried in 2011 to my present wife. The first couple of years were filled with the same anxieties but my success rate was close to 100%. When I struggled to get an erection, the problem would resolve itself fairly quickly. I thought the problem was gone for good for several years. I lost a significant amount of weight which I found improved my mental health.

The problem started to rear its ugly head again a couple of years ago and the problem seems to be back in full force. Up until very recently, my wife refused to attend any type of counseling with me. The one difference now is that I have tried taking PDEs and shots. The PDEs only work sporadically and the shots make me feel as though I really have loser syndrome.

I honestly feel like I am going to lose it. My erection goes soft anytime I attempt to have sex with my wife and I have all these tests to see if I am ok. The tests are only showing that I am a loser since I have become essentially impotent.
Can anyone relate with this?

Welcome to the forum, turboplanet.

Yes, I can relate. I suffered from slowly progressing E.D. for over 3 decades, not recognizing at first there was a name for the problem. It was simply the inability to maintain an erection without vigorous stimulation (which vigorous stimulation almost always resulted in quick ejaculation and subsequent refractory loss of erection).

Eventually, I accepted that my penis did not work "right" and after a while of THAT, I got tired of making excuses in my mind and made adjustments to my sexual approach. I acknowledged to my partner that my penis was not a "performer" and I learned other ways of maintaining a satisfactory and fulfilling physical/sexual relationship along with the emotional relationship. Women who were not satisfied with me (as an entire man, albeit not completely whole, sexually) drifted away and more emotionally mature women would stay. I was not "happy" per se, but found rather complete satisfaction with myself and so were my partners through the years.

Eventually, I learned more about E.D. and diagnosed (I did a LOT of reading of medical journals on-line) my condition as venous leakage and had that confirmed by clinical exam by a urologist. Along the way, I also tried the three major oral medications as well. Eventually, I got an implant. But the lessons I learned about pleasing women physically have not been wasted, either.

So, my advice to you is to connect with your wife, emotionally, intellectually, physically and sexually in every way that works. (Candidly, tongue, hands, sex toys/tools and whatever other means that work) Sex is more (a LOT MORE) than coitus.

Don't lose your mind. Re-set your mind. And hers.

Women are incredibly supportive if they feel trusted, respected and safe. Do all you can to communicate with her. And with your medical team.

Thanks for your advice. I understand exactly what you are saying.

The challenge I have is around resetting my internal rules. I understand everything you are saying on an intellectual level. However, my internal dialog just won't accept this style of lovemaking.

Did you have any challenges in making a paradigm shift?

Necessity makes paradigm shifts fairly easy. When there are no alternatives, even a hard road is a lot more doable that you might think at first.

It was a freeing moment when I first accepted that I was not the only one responsible for my partners' orgasms. Communicating that to her/them was essential for satisfactory lovemaking, and, as I said before, women are incredibly supportive if you are. Learning cunnilingus did not hurt, either. Where there's a will, there's a way.

As a dedicated athlete, you know how necessary it is to plan your conditioning routine, your competitive strategies and how diligent you must be to reach a goal. In love-making, the orgasm is not the goal. It is the pleasuring of one another. That is the paradigm shift I focused on.

Does that shift in focus help you and your wife? Discuss with her if you have not already.

Consider a penile implant. Because in the end.....that's probably where your going to be. It astounds me how many men have dealt with this crap not just for years but for decades. I was married for 27 years until my wife cheated on me. She offered me pity sex the day she moved out but I just could get hard. After that I realized I had a problem. I started with Viagra and it worked ok. I met my current wife in 2013 but didn't tell her immediately about my problem because I was afraid it would cause her to leave me. Eventually I had to tell her about it because it became worse. I still remember the day that I promised her I would do WHATEVER it took to maintain our sex life and i followed through with that promise. Fortunately my current wife is a superior women and mate. I am 15 years older than her and there were times when i felt she deserved a man with a working penis but she had none of that. We made it work and our sex life has only got better. The biggest challenge was when the shots stopped working....that hit hard. But I already knew that I was prepared to go with an implant which isnt just a treatment....its the only cure. In the interim we used a vaccum device...it was not great but at least we were able to maintain some form of intimacy until receiving an implant. You have to be proactive and open. I cant tell you how many people I've talked to about my penis. I'm not ashamed, it's not a reflection on your manhood....its a medical problem that can be solved.

Titan DOD wrote:it's not a reflection on your manhood....its a medical problem that can be solved.

Great comment!