My Story
Posted: Tue Nov 08, 2016 1:49 am
So this is my story.
Two years ago, I would have laughed at the idea that I might end up suffering from ED, or any other health issue. I didn't have health issues. They were not my thing.
I was 41, and obese (60 pounds overweight), but I'd always had a high sex drive and never had any problems in bed (other than perhaps some very minor PE issues when I was younger -- no more so than I think is pretty typical of young guys). I'd been married and divorced in my 20s, and the divorce had in part been due to my ex's depression and resultant avoidance of sex. When I met my current wife, it took me a long time to trust that her apparently high sex drive was a real thing, and not just something that would fade away once a commitment was made (it did not, and she is wonderful and irreplaceable for so many other reasons too).
I had never been athletic, but neither had I always been so big. In fact, after my divorce I had joined a gym and lost maybe 30 pounds, but gained it back and more after ten years (and three more kids) with my current wife.
Anyway, my penis worked great, and I would have sex and/or masturbate at least once every day or two, sometimes more often. It never let me down. And my wife was happy -- she is easy to please, though (quick and easy orgasms, and a lot of them).
About eight months prior to "the incident", I had noticed that my erections were not quite as firm as they had used to be. I took this in stride, figuring that I was after all over 40, and things do change (as they had before -- sometime in my early 30s I noticed that I didn't get quite as hard from mere kissing anymore, and that a towel hung on my erection would pull it down instead of being held up, etc), and I still enjoyed sex as much as I ever had. My wife didn't seem to notice, so I figured it was all good. Looking back, I also realize that I had almost completely lost morning erections over the same time period, where three years ago and earlier I had often woken up with strong hard ons that would drill into the mattress. I did not understand the significance of morning wood, however. About a month before "the incident", I started noticing my penis "inverting", winking almost completely into my body at odd times like when I sat down or got into my car. This was annoying, and I knew it couldn't be good, but I figured it was due to weight gain and hadn't gotten around to worrying about it. Also, I had gotten to the point where I needed oral sex or self touching to get hard -- even nude play just didn't do it anymore. But these things were recent enough, and it was plausible enough that they were maybe "normal" for a guy who had turned 40, that I didn't let myself dwell on them.
Then my wife and I took a trip, our first trip alone in years. It was supposed to be a sex weekend, but then my wife started her period, and I figured that I'd be limited to enjoying a blow job or two -- which was fine with me, as I was curiously tired (I rarely slept more than 4-6 hours as I tended to stay up late nights and had to wake early in the morning for work) and didn't really want to put in the work required for sex anyway (this was an unusual way for me to think, not like I usually thought at all).
I will add that I actually remember the last time we had sex prior to this. I was wheezing from the exertion and felt tired enough that I just let myself cum right after she did for the first time (I more typically would bring her off 3-5 times first). I knew that couldn't be good, but again, I wasn't too worried about it yet.
We took in a show, had some drinks, and came back to the hotel room, where we did fool around until my wife decided she wanted sex, period or not. This freaked me out more than it should have, but not being able to see much in the dark hotel room, I started wondering exactly how much blood was flowing between the two of us, an imagined gobbets of clot, and -- lost my erection inside of her.
Well -- it lost most of its firmness, anyway. She still came, and so did I, but it did NOT feel right. And, despite the fact that there wasn't a LOT of blood after all, I dreaded her wanting sex in the morning (because of the blood, or my lost erection, or a lack of interest on my part?). Sure enough, in the morning she went down on me and I could NOT get hard. Period.
She had business to attend to that day and I wandered around the strange city in a fog. Why wasn't my dick working? I was freaked out. Then I got online in the hotel and read about ED, and its causes and connection to heart disease, and freaked out more. I had not been living healthily -- I knew that -- but I was only 41, and figured I had ten years or more before I seriously had to worry about my heart. And yet here I was with a mysteriously limp dick, and how could I deny the changes I'd noticed in the previous months, and what if this was IT -- me washed up at the very start of middle age. What was I going to DO?
I was totally freaked out! I tried playing with myself -- no luck. I was suddenly a limp noodle. It was Hell.
I called my doctor when I got back home, and made an appointment to see him. I'd only just met him the year previous, as I had turned 40 and figured it was time to get myself a GP (I had not seen a doctor regularly in close to two decades -- when I got sick it was always the same thing (pneumonia or sinus infection), and I went to a local clinic for that). As it turns out the night before I could see him, my wife and I had successful intercourse, and I figured that maybe everything was OK after all -- but in the few days prior to the meeting, I had finally gotten my bloodwork done (because I was freaked) -- bloodwork I had kept putting off after our first meeting -- and learned that my cholesterol was godawful (235 or so total, 35 HDL and 185 or so LDL). Shit.
Doc was concerned about cholesterol but assured me that at my age, heart disease was unlikely. He wanted to see changes, though, or he said he'd have to put me on a statin.
Well I had already cut out soda and fast food after "the incident", and never wanted to look at KFC again if KFC had killed my dick. My dick went back to being unpredictable, and that was nerve wracking, so I made an appointment with a urologist within a week, even as I continued to lose weight from diet and exercise changes. I was terrified that my cock was breathing its last. About half the time it wouldn't get or stay hard long enough for sex. My wife, God bless her, was great about it, but I was still a wreck.
Urologist ran his tests and all bloodwork looked normal - except my testosterone level was 130 ng/dl, which was in his words "approaching castrate level". I was not happy about this but at least it was an answer to what was going on, and as I read more about it I learned that SOMETIMES raising T could cure ED. Losing weight and being active could raise T, so I did much more of that in addition to starting Clomid per Doc's orders.
Doc also gave me Cialis, 5 mg per day.
All was great for about a month, but I was still rattled and did NOT like the idea that I was on "old man pills" at 41.
Then I took a trip alone and tried sex with an escort (my wife and I have an arrangement, and have since the beginning, we are totally open and honest about it). I was ready to celebrate my recovery and was planning to ditch Cialis after success with this girl -- except that I crashed an burned, could not stay hard for her, had to settle for a limpish hand job. Ditto the next day with a different girl. I was crushed. I told my wife all about it when I got home, and things did get a little better, but then rapidly worse, until I was totally limp about half the time we tried sex and just barely firm enough for penetration the rest of the time (and this was with 5 mg Cialis every day).
We fiddled with Clomid and Anastrazole, and my T levels went up a bit but never above the 500s. I dropped Cialis and eventually things did start to get better -- but not what they used to be, I could almost never have erections while standing or in the shower, and having her on top was almost impossible, and I'd go limp almost immediately after stimulation was removed. I was afraid to masturbate, I was so scared of losing wood in the middle of a session. A penile doppler showed flow of 40 m/sec, which my doc said was "normal", but when I read more about it it looked like it was about as low as it could go and still be called "normal". I was worried about my heart -- how badly were my arteries fucked up? -- but both docs assured me that everything was fine at my age and that a coronary artery calcium scoring test would be as waste of time and money.
I limped along, starting to do "OK" in bed and months went by without me losing wood during sex (although morning erections, which I understood to be important now, were spotty at best and never as hard as they used to be, and neither were my sexual erections). I worried about my testosterone -- in fact I had bad anxiety and worried about everything, especially returning to the Hell I had been over the summer when even Cialis didn't work. I worried about my flow inevitably slowing further over the years and wondered if I'd be impotent at 50.
Then my GP doc heard a heart murmur. He said it was probably nothing, but the sonogram he ordered just to make sure revealed aortic stenosis -- in a tricuspid valve -- so degenerative calcific aortic stenosis. Sometime guys don't get until their 60s. Doc played it off as nothing to worry about, but I read about it and it inevitably leads to open heart surgery and has a serious impact on lifespan. And I was sure that my whole circulatory system was fucked now.
Talked the urologist into signing off on a CT scan of my heart, hoping that the CAC score would be low even though my aortic valve was gunked up. It was not low. at 156, my CAC score was almost off the charts for my age -- in the worst 1%. And I kept reading about how this test was THE test, the best indicator of lifespan and healthspan that we had. And I realized just how cruelly fucked I was.
Oh, I'm fine for the next ten years -- 20, probably. But then even a modest CAC progression of 10% per year put me in the 1000s, and I had aortic stenosis to contend with too -- and ED became the least of my worries. And when ED is the least of your worries, you know you are pretty well hosed.
I have since read some more calming stuff about my heart situation, although it is still very bad, and I think I am unlikely to live much more than my late 60s or early 70s. Not much time to enjoy a retirement, and that's if I live to see it. Meanwhile, I have read more about implants here and resigned myself to needing one eventually.
And my cock has actually gotten a bit better, to the point where I do not even try things like cock rings anymore (unless its just for fun), and I can successfully achieve erection while standing up with light touches. Is this because of better T? Worrying less about erections because I am busy worrying about my heart and dying young? Weight loss (I have kept the 60 pounds off)? Who knows?
I am glad my wife has experience with other women, as I know she is able to get off without an erection in sight, and this has eased my mind a bit, but -- I do not even want to think about losing my ability to penetrate her. Or what she will ultimately do if I cannot.
Anyway, that's me, and my story. I am glad I have come here and seen the satisfaction that many men have with their implants, and plan to get mine sooner rather than later as I am unlikely to enjoy a long life and would prefer not to suffer through ten years of crap erections and frustrations only to die of a heart attack six months after getting the damn surgery. I don't need the implant now though -- getting by pretty well on very low dose of Cialis (2.5 mg EOD). And of course the Clomid (though I wonder if I'd get better results with real TRT, as my T levels seem to trend toward decline (375 ng/dl at last reading).
My life has been radically altered over the last two years.
Two years ago, I would have laughed at the idea that I might end up suffering from ED, or any other health issue. I didn't have health issues. They were not my thing.
I was 41, and obese (60 pounds overweight), but I'd always had a high sex drive and never had any problems in bed (other than perhaps some very minor PE issues when I was younger -- no more so than I think is pretty typical of young guys). I'd been married and divorced in my 20s, and the divorce had in part been due to my ex's depression and resultant avoidance of sex. When I met my current wife, it took me a long time to trust that her apparently high sex drive was a real thing, and not just something that would fade away once a commitment was made (it did not, and she is wonderful and irreplaceable for so many other reasons too).
I had never been athletic, but neither had I always been so big. In fact, after my divorce I had joined a gym and lost maybe 30 pounds, but gained it back and more after ten years (and three more kids) with my current wife.
Anyway, my penis worked great, and I would have sex and/or masturbate at least once every day or two, sometimes more often. It never let me down. And my wife was happy -- she is easy to please, though (quick and easy orgasms, and a lot of them).
About eight months prior to "the incident", I had noticed that my erections were not quite as firm as they had used to be. I took this in stride, figuring that I was after all over 40, and things do change (as they had before -- sometime in my early 30s I noticed that I didn't get quite as hard from mere kissing anymore, and that a towel hung on my erection would pull it down instead of being held up, etc), and I still enjoyed sex as much as I ever had. My wife didn't seem to notice, so I figured it was all good. Looking back, I also realize that I had almost completely lost morning erections over the same time period, where three years ago and earlier I had often woken up with strong hard ons that would drill into the mattress. I did not understand the significance of morning wood, however. About a month before "the incident", I started noticing my penis "inverting", winking almost completely into my body at odd times like when I sat down or got into my car. This was annoying, and I knew it couldn't be good, but I figured it was due to weight gain and hadn't gotten around to worrying about it. Also, I had gotten to the point where I needed oral sex or self touching to get hard -- even nude play just didn't do it anymore. But these things were recent enough, and it was plausible enough that they were maybe "normal" for a guy who had turned 40, that I didn't let myself dwell on them.
Then my wife and I took a trip, our first trip alone in years. It was supposed to be a sex weekend, but then my wife started her period, and I figured that I'd be limited to enjoying a blow job or two -- which was fine with me, as I was curiously tired (I rarely slept more than 4-6 hours as I tended to stay up late nights and had to wake early in the morning for work) and didn't really want to put in the work required for sex anyway (this was an unusual way for me to think, not like I usually thought at all).
I will add that I actually remember the last time we had sex prior to this. I was wheezing from the exertion and felt tired enough that I just let myself cum right after she did for the first time (I more typically would bring her off 3-5 times first). I knew that couldn't be good, but again, I wasn't too worried about it yet.
We took in a show, had some drinks, and came back to the hotel room, where we did fool around until my wife decided she wanted sex, period or not. This freaked me out more than it should have, but not being able to see much in the dark hotel room, I started wondering exactly how much blood was flowing between the two of us, an imagined gobbets of clot, and -- lost my erection inside of her.
Well -- it lost most of its firmness, anyway. She still came, and so did I, but it did NOT feel right. And, despite the fact that there wasn't a LOT of blood after all, I dreaded her wanting sex in the morning (because of the blood, or my lost erection, or a lack of interest on my part?). Sure enough, in the morning she went down on me and I could NOT get hard. Period.
She had business to attend to that day and I wandered around the strange city in a fog. Why wasn't my dick working? I was freaked out. Then I got online in the hotel and read about ED, and its causes and connection to heart disease, and freaked out more. I had not been living healthily -- I knew that -- but I was only 41, and figured I had ten years or more before I seriously had to worry about my heart. And yet here I was with a mysteriously limp dick, and how could I deny the changes I'd noticed in the previous months, and what if this was IT -- me washed up at the very start of middle age. What was I going to DO?
I was totally freaked out! I tried playing with myself -- no luck. I was suddenly a limp noodle. It was Hell.
I called my doctor when I got back home, and made an appointment to see him. I'd only just met him the year previous, as I had turned 40 and figured it was time to get myself a GP (I had not seen a doctor regularly in close to two decades -- when I got sick it was always the same thing (pneumonia or sinus infection), and I went to a local clinic for that). As it turns out the night before I could see him, my wife and I had successful intercourse, and I figured that maybe everything was OK after all -- but in the few days prior to the meeting, I had finally gotten my bloodwork done (because I was freaked) -- bloodwork I had kept putting off after our first meeting -- and learned that my cholesterol was godawful (235 or so total, 35 HDL and 185 or so LDL). Shit.
Doc was concerned about cholesterol but assured me that at my age, heart disease was unlikely. He wanted to see changes, though, or he said he'd have to put me on a statin.
Well I had already cut out soda and fast food after "the incident", and never wanted to look at KFC again if KFC had killed my dick. My dick went back to being unpredictable, and that was nerve wracking, so I made an appointment with a urologist within a week, even as I continued to lose weight from diet and exercise changes. I was terrified that my cock was breathing its last. About half the time it wouldn't get or stay hard long enough for sex. My wife, God bless her, was great about it, but I was still a wreck.
Urologist ran his tests and all bloodwork looked normal - except my testosterone level was 130 ng/dl, which was in his words "approaching castrate level". I was not happy about this but at least it was an answer to what was going on, and as I read more about it I learned that SOMETIMES raising T could cure ED. Losing weight and being active could raise T, so I did much more of that in addition to starting Clomid per Doc's orders.
Doc also gave me Cialis, 5 mg per day.
All was great for about a month, but I was still rattled and did NOT like the idea that I was on "old man pills" at 41.
Then I took a trip alone and tried sex with an escort (my wife and I have an arrangement, and have since the beginning, we are totally open and honest about it). I was ready to celebrate my recovery and was planning to ditch Cialis after success with this girl -- except that I crashed an burned, could not stay hard for her, had to settle for a limpish hand job. Ditto the next day with a different girl. I was crushed. I told my wife all about it when I got home, and things did get a little better, but then rapidly worse, until I was totally limp about half the time we tried sex and just barely firm enough for penetration the rest of the time (and this was with 5 mg Cialis every day).
We fiddled with Clomid and Anastrazole, and my T levels went up a bit but never above the 500s. I dropped Cialis and eventually things did start to get better -- but not what they used to be, I could almost never have erections while standing or in the shower, and having her on top was almost impossible, and I'd go limp almost immediately after stimulation was removed. I was afraid to masturbate, I was so scared of losing wood in the middle of a session. A penile doppler showed flow of 40 m/sec, which my doc said was "normal", but when I read more about it it looked like it was about as low as it could go and still be called "normal". I was worried about my heart -- how badly were my arteries fucked up? -- but both docs assured me that everything was fine at my age and that a coronary artery calcium scoring test would be as waste of time and money.
I limped along, starting to do "OK" in bed and months went by without me losing wood during sex (although morning erections, which I understood to be important now, were spotty at best and never as hard as they used to be, and neither were my sexual erections). I worried about my testosterone -- in fact I had bad anxiety and worried about everything, especially returning to the Hell I had been over the summer when even Cialis didn't work. I worried about my flow inevitably slowing further over the years and wondered if I'd be impotent at 50.
Then my GP doc heard a heart murmur. He said it was probably nothing, but the sonogram he ordered just to make sure revealed aortic stenosis -- in a tricuspid valve -- so degenerative calcific aortic stenosis. Sometime guys don't get until their 60s. Doc played it off as nothing to worry about, but I read about it and it inevitably leads to open heart surgery and has a serious impact on lifespan. And I was sure that my whole circulatory system was fucked now.
Talked the urologist into signing off on a CT scan of my heart, hoping that the CAC score would be low even though my aortic valve was gunked up. It was not low. at 156, my CAC score was almost off the charts for my age -- in the worst 1%. And I kept reading about how this test was THE test, the best indicator of lifespan and healthspan that we had. And I realized just how cruelly fucked I was.
Oh, I'm fine for the next ten years -- 20, probably. But then even a modest CAC progression of 10% per year put me in the 1000s, and I had aortic stenosis to contend with too -- and ED became the least of my worries. And when ED is the least of your worries, you know you are pretty well hosed.
I have since read some more calming stuff about my heart situation, although it is still very bad, and I think I am unlikely to live much more than my late 60s or early 70s. Not much time to enjoy a retirement, and that's if I live to see it. Meanwhile, I have read more about implants here and resigned myself to needing one eventually.
And my cock has actually gotten a bit better, to the point where I do not even try things like cock rings anymore (unless its just for fun), and I can successfully achieve erection while standing up with light touches. Is this because of better T? Worrying less about erections because I am busy worrying about my heart and dying young? Weight loss (I have kept the 60 pounds off)? Who knows?
I am glad my wife has experience with other women, as I know she is able to get off without an erection in sight, and this has eased my mind a bit, but -- I do not even want to think about losing my ability to penetrate her. Or what she will ultimately do if I cannot.
Anyway, that's me, and my story. I am glad I have come here and seen the satisfaction that many men have with their implants, and plan to get mine sooner rather than later as I am unlikely to enjoy a long life and would prefer not to suffer through ten years of crap erections and frustrations only to die of a heart attack six months after getting the damn surgery. I don't need the implant now though -- getting by pretty well on very low dose of Cialis (2.5 mg EOD). And of course the Clomid (though I wonder if I'd get better results with real TRT, as my T levels seem to trend toward decline (375 ng/dl at last reading).
My life has been radically altered over the last two years.
Don't mess with anyone else blood! 
Find answers and solutions here on FT. Post me on my threads anytime. 
Welcome Nocturne and Thanos.