FrankTalk.org

Hey,

I lost my virginity when I was 15 and everything was perfectly normal and I had no issues whatsoever. I had a great first sexual experience but it was only a one night stand with her. I was eager for my next chance to get in the sac. A few months later when I went out with my friend to meet his girlfriend and her friend my life was ruined. I hit it off with his girlfriends friend and we started making out, I was really excited because I thought she was way out of my league. We all disbanded for a few hours after that and we met back up in my friends car. When we parked he left with his girlfriend and I was alone in the backseat with this beautiful girl. I couldn’t help but feel anxious, i felt as if my stomach was in my lap. I just started questioning myself and was more scared than excited. I just knew there was no way I was going to be able to get up. When we started hooking up she could tell something was wrong and I told her I wasn’t hard. She had me pull it out and eventually I was able to perform but that experience really messed up my life.

After that every time I would get into bed I would have this issue. Every time I would have to make the girl spend a while getting me up. The second we would start walking to the bedroom It would feel like I was getting ready for a race. It sucked because it was a race I knew I couldn’t win. I was able to pull a bunch of women but every time we would get into the bedroom I had this thought in the back of my mind.

Eventually I started dating this girl named Alexis. I loved her and things were great between us. She was really attractive, blonde, blue eyes, skinny, big butt. She kept trying to have sex with me but I would put it off because I just knew I couldn’t get up for her. I started to feel really depressed and at the time I was only 16. I was 16 and already dealing with ED, I felt so shitty that I couldnt perform for her. We would dry hump and I would do things for her but I was too worried to pull it out and try anything. One day we were in bed together, I was hard and we finally attempted to have sex. In the time it took me to take my pants off I lost my erection from the nerves. This made my anticipation anxiety so much worse. I would get insanely nervous before sex and eventually it ended our relationship. She started talking to other people because she thought I was either gay or not into her

Then Sophie happened, she was the girl that I had wanted throughout high school and middle school. I actually started dating her right after my relationship with Alexis ended. She was even more beautiful, she had the same features: blonde, blue eyes, skinny, tall, big butt, you name it. After 3 weeks of dating she fell in love with me. She wanted to take it to the next level. What made it even harder for me was that she was trying to find the perfect guy to take her virginity. For her I was that guy. I remember one night I was having a small kick back on my parents boat and she told me to bring condoms. My heart sank, I started getting so nervous, questioning myself about my ability to get up. That night before anything could happen I got caught and we had to leave. I honestly felt relieved but she offered to come over and it all started up again. When we got to my house we snuck into my room and started going at it. She had a pink thong and cheetah bra, she looked stunning but I could only get semi hard for her. We tried for a while but I never got hard enough for her. After I failed with her I felt like my world was over, sex in my mind was everything. It’s all you hear about everywhere you go, I literately wanted to commit suicide because I couldn’t handle the embarrassement. The next day my parents sent me to my sisters for a week because of the boat fiasco and I was determined that I was gonna fall into a deep depression from the jealousy of being away from Sophie and the constant thought of failing.

This turned out to be a blessing. My parents felt so bad about this that they actually let sophie come up and stay with me in cayucous California. We had a great time together, it was like a vacation for us. We stayed in rooms right next to eachother and one night when I snuck into her room we tried again. We spent a while trying and finally after realizing that she was so willing to make this work and truly loved me I got up. We had great sex and I had successfully took her virginity. After that it was all rainbows and sunshine for my ED. I didn’t have any problems for the next 2 and a half years of our relationship. She gave me all my confidence back, I started killing it in school and sports. I got a 3.7 my first year of college and placed in the top 20 in California for swimming.

It was 6 months ago when everything in my life went back to the way it was. I’m 20 years old now and my ED came back. During my swim season along with the stress from classes I started having some trouble but I knew it was from stress and it was no big deal. Although when it ended and we had a really bad experience in the bedroom I got some anxiety back. We tried to have sex in the car after this and I just didn’t feel confident about getting up. We got to one spot and I just managed to get up but she didn’t like the place we were parked so we had to move and that’s when it happened. Watching her hold my flaccid penis with disappointment in her face was horrible. I begged her to keep trying but she just wasn’t in the mood anymore. After that our sex life went down the drain. My anxiety got so bad that I could barely eat, I would throw up sometimes because I would get such an intense feeling in my stomach.

Things actually started to get better for a little bit but this ED situation started to make me feel insecure. I felt so unmasculine. I was 7” at the time this happened but I thought that if I was huge it would make me feel so confident that I wouldn’t have to worry about anything. So I started to try jelquing. After a few weeks I started to feel pain in my right groin. I kept going for a couple of days thinking it wasn’t a big deal. Being an athlete with a lot of injuries in my life I thought it was something I could just work through. I probably would have been fine if I didn’t mix this with Olympic lifting and swimming. The pain in the right side of my groin started getting worse and worse. I’ve seen tons of doctors, gotten an ultrasound and an MRI. I still have pain and it’s been really affecting my ability to perform. I was prescribed viagra and for a little while it was really effective but the combination of the pain and anxiety makes it pretty ineffective now.

It turns out that I have a sports hernia that I’m getting surgery on. I’ve been able to maintain a relationship with my girlfriend but I feel like if I don’t fix this I will lose her soon. My anxiety now is so bad that my heart starts beating insanely fast when we try to have sex and my mind goes the opposite direction of sex. All I think about is why I’m going to fail. When I get this surgery I want to Blame this ED situation on the injury so my girlfriend doesn’t think she’s not who I want. She’s so amazing and I truly want to be with her forever. I can’t lose her, we’ve had serious relationship problems because of this. Every time I fail to get up now I get so depressed all I can think is of suicide. I would never do anything to myself but I can’t help feeling so low. I understand it’s physiological but for some reason I can’t find my confidence anymore. I feel like I’m going to fail before I start. I’ve seen a therapists but I haven’t had much improvement. Does anybody have any advice on how I can get better ?

I am not a doctor but I think you should see a sex therapist or you will never get over this. It affects all ages so please do this. Jim

vajim1 wrote:I am not a doctor but I think you should see a sex therapist or you will never get over this. It affects all ages so please do this. Jim

Agreed

Larry

Having struggled with slowly progressing ED for decades, I will give the advice that the number one priority is to KEEP THE GIRL.

To keep your girl, learn to please her with any body parts that DO work. Tongue, hands, even sex toys. If she feels that you are invested in her sexual satisfaction, she will have that much more reason to stay with you. You will have a tremendous advantage over those "studs" whose penises work ok, but who do not WORK TO PLEASE HER.

Women are incredibly supportive if they feel trusted, respected and you level with them. When I owned up to my ED, I found most women admired my candor and had a few offers for sex even though they knew I could not do coitus (although, they also knew I was taking positive steps to treat it and expected to have the benefits later). My positive attitude and intention to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT was attractive to them, I found.

Once she is sticking around, you can relax. If you are in bed with her and you don't get erect, you can still please her and if you DO get erect, she will be right there with you.

Taking the pressure to perform (penis-wise) off of you, I think, will take a lot of the performance anxiety off you. Performance anxiety is one major cause of inability to get it up.

Relax and see how it goes. If you can get hard by yourself, you have less of a physiological problem than psychological. The combination of both can be devastating to your self-confidence and therefore, your ability.

Dang bro that sounds horrible. Like some said above. You should see a sex therapist, I'm also 7 inches and I think I need to be bigger. But if 7 inches is all your gonna get then your lucky just remember that. But yeah a sex therapist sounds best.

Believe me, I've been there before and I know how it feels.

Like you said, this is a case of sexual performance anxiety and the good news is: it is easily treatable.

I've battled sexual performance anxiety during my 20s. I knew nothing about ED at the time and I had to wait until I was 30 to start having great sex. Today I'm 42 years old and my sex life is perfectly normal. And if I could do it, so can you!

First and foremost, anxiety is a perfectly normal biological reaction. It is, however, an erection killer because the last thing you need when you are facing danger or a stressful situation is an erect penis. It's called the fight or flight response: your brain sends stress signals via the sympathetic nervous system and shuts down your erections.

Intimacy and trust are the best possible treatment for sexual performance anxiety. If you trust your partner, you will be relaxed and will have nothing to worry about. It is, however, perfectly normal to fail every now and then - that's not even ED.

You may want to try valerian root pills before sex: it is a natural anxiolytic and there are studies that show that it may improve sexual function. Most chemical anxiolytics and antidepressants may, however, cause ED and should be avoided.

In my case, I tried a radical solution that worked beautifully: oral medication. Oral phentolamine mesylate (brand names Vigamed, Vasomax) was extremely effective because it works by blocking sympathetic action in the penis. Moreover I was able to maintain an erection even after ejaculation! In these cases, Viagra is useless because it just increases NO levels.

I'm not saying that oral medication is the right solution in your case because everyone is different and results may vary. Moreover, you are still very young, phentolamine is a precription drug, there may be side effects (e.g. tachycardia, headaches, hypotension) and you should always consult your urologist.

Two more tips that I mentioned on another forum:

a) It is perfectly normal to fail every now and then and when that happens, just give it some time before you have sex again. This will allow you to relax, forget about that negative experience and clear your mind.

b) Do A LOT of research on this subject: talk to doctors, read books, visit good websites. The more you know about sex, the less stressful it will be.

I hope this helps, good luck!

Hernias can affect your erections. I've had 4. 2nd and 3rd hernia repairs, bilateral at same time , were the end of my erections. Another doctor redid one of my hernia repairs making it the 4th one and my erections and night time woodies started coming back. Lots of stuff goes on down there apparently.

Long time since you wrote this.
If you were able to overcome your anxiety please pm me with some hints! I’m seeing a psychiatrist that is helping me a lot with my anxiety (that happens also with masturbation). Thus I think that talk therapy is very useful!