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Hi all, not sure what to do so here I am looking for advice from others maybe?

Does anyone have lose attraction for a partner then ED happens?

My issue I’ve had issues 3 or 4 times over the years

It first started when I went through a break up... the next girls I went with I had the ED prob and nothing would work... that was 10 years back now - I’m 38 now

However with my last two relationships towards the end of the relationships, we started to grow apart/ I wasn’t into them much any more and the thought of them wanting sex used to panic me as I knew I wouldn’t be able to perform. I would sit there dreading to go to bed as I sex might be on the cards

However after, when I met other women the problem wasn’t there and I was fine (one night stands )

The past two months I have been meeting up with a girl and having sex. Lately though I’ve lost my attraction for her (wish I hadn’t as she’s great) however last night the panic of her wanting sex hit me as I didn’t want it... knowing that I wouldn’t get it up... it was so embarrassing telling her I wasn’t in the mood and had things on my mind...

Which is true I am under a lot of pressure at the moment and I actually think I’m depressed but now I’m wondering if this loss of attraction/ED / not wanting to hurt her is the cause of it... but then I think it can’t be the pressure I’m under as I’ve had this problem in my past... I’m so scared and worried that I won’t ever meet anyone long term now... it’s like I lose attraction and the lights go off down stairs

Try pills. It’s the first step. Why are you losing attraction? Do you get tired of a partner and crave the excitement of a new partner?

Have you had your testosterone checked?

I just get bored, then go off of them, then that’s it game over for me! Not sure why! But I know if o had something new I’d be ok for a while! It’s horrible. Thinking about cutting out porn etc and seeing how I go - not that I am watching that a lot, but want to see if it helps

If I’m on my own, the it’s no problem! I do think a lot is physiological

ED2013 wrote:Try pills. It’s the first step. Why are you losing attraction? Do you get tired of a partner and crave the excitement of a new partner?

Exactly

Welcome to the forum, Braqu99. Thank you for trusting us with your question and asking our advice.

My preliminary conclusion: Your difficulties are not physical, so a physical, chemical or mechanical solution are not the best solution.

Braqu99 wrote:Hi all, not sure what to do so here I am looking for advice from others maybe?

Does anyone have lose attraction for a partner then ED happens?

My issue I’ve had issues 3 or 4 times over the years

It first started when I went through a break up... the next girls I went with I had the ED prob and nothing would work... that was 10 years back now - I’m 38 now

However with my last two relationships towards the end of the relationships, we started to grow apart/ I wasn’t into them much any more and the thought of them wanting sex used to panic me as I knew I wouldn’t be able to perform. I would sit there dreading to go to bed as I sex might be on the cards

However after, when I met other women the problem wasn’t there and I was fine (one night stands )

The past two months I have been meeting up with a girl and having sex. Lately though I’ve lost my attraction for her (wish I hadn’t as she’s great) however last night the panic of her wanting sex hit me as I didn’t want it... knowing that I wouldn’t get it up... it was so embarrassing telling her I wasn’t in the mood and had things on my mind...

Which is true I am under a lot of pressure at the moment and I actually think I’m depressed but now I’m wondering if this loss of attraction/ED / not wanting to hurt her is the cause of it... but then I think it can’t be the pressure I’m under as I’ve had this problem in my past... I’m so scared and worried that I won’t ever meet anyone long term now... it’s like I lose attraction and the lights go off down stairs

Braqu99 wrote:I just get bored, then go off of them, then that’s it game over for me! Not sure why! But I know if o had something new I’d be ok for a while! It’s horrible. Thinking about cutting out porn etc and seeing how I go - not that I am watching that a lot, but want to see if it helps

If I’m on my own, the it’s no problem! I do think a lot is physiological

That you can still get an erection and perform sexually (albeit only with a new woman) suggests to me this is not physiological.

I am going to suggest a completely different view of your symptoms. I think it is not physiological, but psychological, but not in the way you might think. No, a completely different effect. (FOMO - Fear Of Missing Out is not a new phenomenon.)

You may love strawberries. But sometimes you crave a pineapple. The thought of giving up the potential of having a kiwi fruit is discouraging.

Do you think it is possible that the thought of being limited to sex with the same woman for the rest of your life scares you. (Or it could be a deeper fear of commitment - I cannot perform a psychological analysis on the basis of one confessional paragraph and two additional posts.)

But it may be even deeper than that. Relationships we have observed in the past (starting with our own parents and other family members) shape our expectations for our own future relationships. Or the breakup of one's first relationship (you alluded to one of yours) may shake one's confidence in the reliability/longevity of relationships with women.

I am familiar with the feeling. Early in my relationships with girls/women, the excitement of the seduction, the newness of her, the challenge of getting to know her and to know her body is invigorating and energizing emotionally and sexually. There is a name for this - "The Honeymoon Phase". It may last for days, months or years. But all relationships eventually mature/evolve into a stable state - a "Steady State" in which there is an equilibrium (the concept is present in the orbits of planets and in many other physical or chemical systems). Not many people can support the energy levels required of the Honeymoon phase. The stable "steady state" requires less energy, but no less attention to maintain the relationship. All long-term relationships involve working at them.

Put another way, a woman needs to be wooed to get her into bed. A woman needs to be attended to stay there. You certainly have the capacity to woo and to perform sexually (you have proof of that). Do you have the capacity (or desire) to "stay the course" of a full-spectrum relationship?

I present to you a hypothesis. In the scientific world, observation of facts, suggests a theory. A hypothesis is formed, which is then tested through experimentation. It is difficult to test my hypothesis on a real human being, but you can think about it nonetheless.

You have confidence in your sexual abilities, but not in your ability to maintain a relationship with a woman for the long term.

This is just an idea among many that I have seen (and experienced for myself - forgive me if I am projecting my own deficiencies onto you). It is not an uncommon feeling among men - and women.

The fact that you can still get an erection and perform sexually with a new woman tells me you do not have physical E.D. for which a physical or chemical solution is warranted. That conclusion suggest to me that communication with someone who can advise you how to examine what is going on in your mind, rather than your body is warranted. Priest, Rabbi, counselor, an understanding sibling, uncle or aunt. Or the woman you are currently in bed with. If she is worth considering a long-term relationship with, she is worth trusting with your feelings about this (and everything else in your life).

"Having successfully avoided the institution of marriage for 70 years, I now feel qualified to give advice on the subject to anyone."

Braqu99 wrote:I just get bored, then go off of them, then that’s it game over for me! Not sure why! But I know if o had something new I’d be ok for a while! It’s horrible. Thinking about cutting out porn etc and seeing how I go - not that I am watching that a lot, but want to see if it helps

If I’m on my own, the it’s no problem! I do think a lot is physiological

I get a little concerned when you talk about being turned on by one night stands.. Are you afraid of commitment? Are you maybe looking for a bisexual trial? I read somewhere that something like 50% of me would try a same sex event at least once Have you tried talking to a shrink? It's strange that you are attracted to them for a few times and then … nothing …

Larry

I'm not at all convinced that monogamy is natural for either male or female. Perhaps it is simply a social construct of the "civilized" world to insure/encourage the sperm donor to hunt/provide for his offspring and to insure that the offspring of his designated female are also their offspring. It's not a bad social construct, but maybe you're just following your natural basic instincts.

Let the conversation begin.

antelope wrote:I'm not at all convinced that monogamy is natural for either male or female. Perhaps it is simply a social construct of the "civilized" world to insure/encourage the sperm donor to hunt/provide for his offspring and to insure that the offspring of his designated female are also their offspring. It's not a bad social construct, but maybe you're just following your natural basic instincts.

Let the conversation begin.

I have heard that. And there is some (at least theoretical) support for the idea. Woman can conceive and carry a child only once a year or so. A man can spread his seed widely to many children. Thus, the desire to propagate one's own genetic code into the future prompts different behaviors in men vs women.

The theory states:

A man seeks to have as many offspring as possible making his genes likely to survive by sheer weight of numbers.

A woman seeks to nurture and protect into adulthood the relatively fewer offspring she can have, thus making her genes likely to survive.

Mathematically this makes sense. More numbers for the man. Protection of offspring into child-bearing age for the woman. (A longer-term view)

The numbers analysis makes sense for species that have a short childhood and puberty. The protection of the offspring taking very little resources from the progenitors.

Humans have an extended childhood. A LOT of resources go into guaranteeing any offspring reaches child-bearing age, thus women invest greatly in ensuring her offspring survive. So, they look for a good provider. Men, also need to invest in their offspring to ensure their genes survive into child-bearing years, but the calculation is more tenuous for them.

A woman KNOWS who her offspring are. A man can seldom be so sure.

Women DO seek a good provider to form a couples bond with (marriage, in this society). But they also seek a man with good genes to father her children. Thus a case may be made for infidelity for women in marriage.

Lest you think this is a dismal attitude, remember, it is good for the species.

Do you think this conversation should be shifted to a different thread? It may take away from the original poster's (very valid and highly important to him) question?

antelope wrote:I'm not at all convinced that monogamy is natural for either male or female. Perhaps it is simply a social construct of the "civilized" world to insure/encourage the sperm donor to hunt/provide for his offspring and to insure that the offspring of his designated female are also their offspring. It's not a bad social construct, but maybe you're just following your natural basic instincts.

Let the conversation begin.

I also note that a noted historical thinker put forth the idea of polyamory. But not the polygamy most people think of. But polyandry. I cannot remember for sure who it was. I am pretty sure it was either Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain) or Benjamin Franklin.

Because women can satisfy a man's sexual urges easily and multiply, but a man loses his erection after consummation, a woman could satisfy several men easily, where a man can really satisfy only one woman at a time within a limited time period.

So, one woman could marry a few men, have her offspring provided for extremely well and her housekeeping duties would not be significantly greater than taking care of one man.