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Trying to navigate the problem of having erectile dysfunction, but needing the release sex provides, as a pleasure in our marriage and stress relief.
Having Ulcerative colitis and Ankylosing spondylitis makes you tired and affects your mobility quite a bit and tends to make foreplay a bit difficult and what pleasure gain from it to get an erection is soon gone because of fatigue and pain, so you become flaccid again.
Then there is the other problem with my wife whom i am a carer to, she had a rough ride physically and mentally for some time now and suffers from fibromyalgia, her libido is practically nonexistent, but she goes through with it because it is part of us and i need the relief so to get rid of my stress.
My question is, does anybody know a solution, heard of one, to deal with this? I take meds for it, i also tried vacuum pumps but none is working.
Stories and fantasies do but my wife is not interested in those.
Any ideas appreciated.

Welcome to the forum.

Wow, you do have some challenges. I pray you find an acceptable solution.

Your situation would be way out of my field of expertise, if I had one, which I don't.

When you say medications don't help are you referring to PDE5 pills like Viagra? I'm assuming so. You could try a cock ring to help you maintain your erection. If that doesn't work you could consider trying injections.

With the situation you describe perhaps you could consider other alternatives to coitus. If my wife had lost all libido and coitus was causing her physical pain I wouldn't be interested in doing it. Of course I'd want to try finding solutions for her issues but if there aren't any it would be time for plan B or C or D. Talk with her to determine what alternatives would be acceptable for her and hopefully be at least pleasant for her. Possibly oral, hand jobs, mutual masturbation, single masturbation with her encouraging, putting on a show or talking dirty, etc. I'm sure there are other options I can't think of off hand. A little internet research might turn some up or point you towards a therapist that could help.

I'm just throwing things out there but I have no expertise on the topic. I'm not a medical professional of any kind and I don't know squat. But I do feel for you and your wife in this situation.

Injections or an implant allows you get an erection without even being in the mood so you wouldn't lose it even if you became tired or worn out. Maybe estrogen replacement for the wife to help with libido?

What type of pump/constriction bands were you using?
Once PDE5s and injections stopped working for me, a medical grade VED and Osbon tension bands became the only way for me to generate and maintain an erection.

Thanks for everybody reply
I am taking Cialis 5mg daily, tried Alprostadil cream, cock rings by the time got them sorted I am flaccid again, also tried them on first then tried to get an erection. it gets too mechanical it gets worse.

Around age 60 my wife began feeling dry during sex, although she seemed wet as usual to me, and sex began getting a little painful for her. Her gynecologist prescribed estradiol estrogen cream, which she inserts into the vagina, not on a sex day, with a wide syringe 2-3 times a week, and it's worked perfectly now for years. She has more-than-willing sex with me and big toys, and it's all good for her.

Estradiol has dramatic side effect warnings, like cancer and dementia, so you have to take that into consideration, and don't try to get it without a doc's prescription.

Cyberfruits - I also had a similar problem as had many others. Viagara and Cialis did not work or caused unwanted side effects. Trimix and Double Strength TriMix worked sometimes, but didn't last long. Pumping by itself was not any help. Tried different rings, but mostly were inadequate. So far, using Osbon ErecAid Pump and two rings attached to it are doing the job. When you tried the pump did you immediately apply a ring before losing vacuum? You have to do that and use plenty on lube. Occasionally I take a 10mg Levitra an hour before - don't know if it really does any good other than psychological. My wife's libido and desire io also gone, but she does go along with me and does have orgasms thru manual, oral and vibrator. Also, her finding a comfortable position for penetration, is almost next to impossible. Keep at it, you'll find a way....