Re: a little humor
Posted: Sat Jan 29, 2011 5:30 pm
by Trying Hard
Jokes:
Wife says to husband:
‘Dear, what would you do if you found out the world was going to end in five minutes?’
‘I would make passionate love to you, dear!!’
‘Ok, and the remaining three and a half minutes?’
1. Jesus and Moses are playing golf. Suddenly, Jesus’ ball gets stuck in some sandy area,
and to compensate for that, the ball has to go over this little pond.
‘Piece of cake’, Jesus says, ‘my man Tiger could do it with his eyes closed’.
‘Not as easy as it seems’, says Moses.
Indeed, the balls lands in the middle of the pond.
‘Would you be so kind?’, says Jesus pointing at the ball.
Moses does that thing with his hands, the water opens in two,
Moses walks in the middle and fetches the ball.
‘If my man Tiger can do it, so can I’, says Jesus.
He tries again, and again, the ball lands on the water.
Same as before, Moses fetches the ball.
The third time, Moses says to Jesus:
‘Now, you get the ball!’
Jesus starts walking on the water towards the ball.
Two guys, who happen to be passing by, suddenly say:
‘Who does that guy think he is? Jesus Christ?’
‘No’, says Moses,’ he thinks he is Tiger Woods!?’
Nymphomaniac Convention
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat ... and, as fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
GETTING MARRIED IN HEAVEN
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they began to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'
and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer....for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons.
If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
'What if it doesn't work?
Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?'
Another month passed.
St. Peter finally returned looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informed the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple.
'But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out?
Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH COME ON!!!' St. Peter shouted. 'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work
> cocktail with her
> girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome,
> extremely sexy,
> middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman
> could not take
> her eyes off him.
>
> This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly
> attentive stare
> and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before
> she could offer
> her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and
> whispered to her,
> "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to
> do, no matter
> how kinky, for $20.00...
>
> on one condition... "
>
> Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the
> condition was. The
> man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do
> in just three
> words."
>
> The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then
> slowly removed
> $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's
> hand along with
> her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his
> eyes, barely
> concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and
> meaningfully
> said....
>
> "Clean my house."
1. Having Sex in the Dark
A couple started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, ", I wish I had a flashlight."
The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
1. H E L L EXPLAINED
BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is helll exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely… I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in to stay the same, the volume of has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in will increase until all hell breaks loose.
2. If is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... .....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life.... A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside.The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'Im so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.... I'm a gynecologist.'
The proctologist fainted.
1. A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers
stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big
sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED --
ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells
kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck
driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the
computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck
drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape
around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of
pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The
bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and
blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did
that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are
overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now.
You don't even need a license, he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck,
and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to
avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door
breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.
He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing
up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and
programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever
seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So
remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun
and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out
of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said,
"What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well,
sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
3 women were at a Birthing Class waiting for others to come in and the Instructor to show up. One was a Redhead, another a Brunette and the 3rd a blond. They were discussing their pregnancies to wile away the time.
Finally they got to discussing the Sex of their Babies.
The Brunette looks at the Redhead and asks " do you know if it's a Boy or Girl "?
Redhead says " Sure do A Boy .. .. There was a study that if We only Did it with me on Top, We'd have a Boy " And my ultrasound proved it.
The Redhead asks the Brunette " What about You "? She replies " A Girl , I also read the same study and did it when only with me on the Bottom ".. And my ultrasound showed a Girl.
The Both look at the Blonde and asked if she knew her baby’s sex ?...
The Blonde thinks seriously for a minute.. then says.
"I never read that study, and I haven't had an ultrasound ...But if the study true then ..
I guess I'm having a puppy ?"
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant."Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please". The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea.
So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant."Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding.
He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please".
A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME !!
His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get
some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'
Story about an Early Morning Drunk
Rodney and Wilma wife are awakened at 3 o'clock early one Saturday morning by a loud pounding on the door. Rodney man gets up and goes to the door where he sees a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain.
"Give us a push" says the swaying stranger.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" Wilma asks.
"No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring with rain outside.
His wife said, "Don't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Rodney does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out Rodney.
"Yes. Please." comes the reply from the darkness.
"Where are you?" asks Rodney.
"Over here on the swing," replies the drunk.
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts!"
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Ten minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts!"
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"
The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."
The man sighs and says, "It's started..."
************************************************** **
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow!, you must have had one of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender says "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?".
"Yeah, my wife..."
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
__________________________________________________ ____________
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
__________________________________________________ _____
And some classic Rodney Dangerfield quotes:
"When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."
"I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks."
"I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face."
"I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me."
1. What a story?
Hi honey.This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?
No, Daddy .She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.
After a brief pause, Daddy says, But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.
Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy Right now.
Brief pause. Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.
Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.
A few minutes later The little girl comes back to the phone.
I did it, daddy
'And what happened, honey?
Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser And now she isn't moving at all.
'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?
He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window And into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water Last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause****
******Even Longer Pause*****
Then Daddy says, Swimming pool ???
...........Is this 486-5731??
No, I think you have the wrong number........
A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan.
Realising he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00'. 'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the pening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.
With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit......which now had a button sewn neatly on the end... Ouch!!!!
After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one.
Nothing happened on account of the hens there. However, a few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock!
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, his lungs burned for lack of oxygen, his heart pounding so hard he felt like it would burst out of his chest.
Then suddenly, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear Lord! Please give this bear some religion!"
The skies darkened, and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.
Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky, kneeled and said, "Thank you, Lord, for this food I'm about to receive...."
Three Ladies in a Sauna
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND
THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG.. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO
THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!!
The Card Game
Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife
, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.
Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.
Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?"
Sandy thought, 'Oh , he knows!' reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."
"Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."
Ole and Sven have a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, both
die, and go to he**.
The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.
He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?'
Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of
snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya
know.'
;
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up
the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from
Minnesota, the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling
Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims,
'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying
yourselves?'
Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up
dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's
dis nice.'
The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he
comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have
been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off.
The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging
everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail,
moan, or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with
Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber
hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering,
yelling and screaming like mad men.
The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the
heat you're happy. Now it’s freezing cold and you're still happy. What is
wrong with you two?'
They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya
know, if he** iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super
Bowl.'
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE:
1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it!
5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing)
6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.
8. This is true, unless she says “Thanks a lot” - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say “you're welcome.” That will bring on a “whatever.”
9. Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F--- YOU!
10. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What's wrong?” For the woman's response refer to # 3.
1. WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING
After I retired my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in
and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to
browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local
Target.
Dear Mrs. Samuel, over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to
ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.Samuel,
are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in otherpeople's
carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minuteintervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's
restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,'Code 3
in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her
assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn
resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the
company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the
bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and
screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMT's were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror
while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the
clerk where the anti depressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the
'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'by using
different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled
'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a
fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, then
yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks
passed out.
This woman was flying down the road yesterday 10 miles over the limit. She passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side waiting.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car and with that classic smirk we all know and love asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
The cop asked, "What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she said.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in and then I slowly but surely stretch, until its bout 6 feet wide."
"And just what the heck do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?" He asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket: $95.00
Court Costs: $45.00
Telling a cop he's an assThis woman was flying down the road yesterday 10 miles over the limit. She passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side waiting.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car and with that classic smirk we all know and love asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
The cop asked, "What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she said.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in and then I slowly but surely stretch, until its bout 6 feet wide."
"And just what the heck do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?" He asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket: $95.00
Court Costs: $45.00
Telling a cop he's an ass hole: PRICELESS!
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
What do women and tornadoes have in common?
Both moan like crazy when they come and both take your house and half your stuff when they go.
1. An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you wil have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
1. 1...A dad was trying to teach his 13 year old son the evils of alcohol. He takes a glass of water and a glass of whiskey and puts a worm in each glass. the worm in the water lived while the worm in the whiskey curled up and died. The dad turns to his son and ask "Ok son, now what does that tell you?"...The son replies "Well dad, it tells me if you drink alcohol, you wont have worms!".
2...A motorist received a letter in the mail from the police and in it was a $40 ticket and a picture of his car running a red light. Being cute he decided to mail the police department a picture of $40. They in return mailed him a picture of handcuffs.
A woman comes home and finds her husband in bed with a midget. She screams "you promised you wouldn't cheat again!" The husband replies, "for gods sake can't you see that I'm trying cut down!?"
1. A deaf couple gets married. Pretty sound they find out they have trouble communicating in the bedroom when the lights are off, because they can't see what the other is trying to say in sign language.
After a couple of frustrating nights filled with awkward fumbling and misunderstandings, they agree to come up with some basic signals for their lovemaking sessions. 'Grab my left breast if you want to have sex and grab my right one if you don't' signs the wife.
'Great idea!' signs the husband. 'Pull my penis once if you want to have sex. If you're But if you want to indicate that you don't want to have sex, pull my penis a hundred times!'
1. A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom' bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man! Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a new bike! I need a new bike!
1. Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Johnny looked up and replied,"Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.
1. Every Saturday John wakes up at 4 in the morning and hits the lake for several hours of fishing. But this certain Saturday, he steps outside and it is pouring rain. So he takes off his gear and gets back in bed with his wife. " It's raining out. " he whispers in her ear. Half asleep his wife replies, " Yea. Can u believe my stupid husband is out fishing in this s**t! "
1. A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of three, nine or twelve and asks which the young man wants.
'Well,' he said, 'I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents and then we're going out. I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the twelve pack.'
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over and says 'You never told me that you were such a religious person.'
He leans over to her and says ' Well you never told me that your father is a pharmacist!'
1. Little Johnny is sitting in class.
The teacher asks the class 'If three birds are sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many birds are left?'
Little Johnny raises his hand and answers 'None are left because the rest of them got scared and flew away'
'I like the way you think' responds the teacher. 'But three minus one is two. There are two birds left.'
Now Little Johnny has a question for the teacher 'Miss, if three women come out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her cone, one his nibbling on her cone, and one is biting on it, which of the three women is married?'
The teacher ponders Little Johnny's question and answers 'Uh, I guess the woman that's licking the cone?'
'I like the way you think, Miss' grins Little Johnny. 'But it's the woman with a wedding ring on her finger.'
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
---------------------------------------
| Cheese Sandwich .............. $1.50|
| Chicken Sandwich ............. $2.50|
| Hand Job .................... $10.00|
---------------------------------------
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager looking group.
"Yes?" she asks with a knowing smile, "May I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "I am!!"
The man replies "Well wash your f*cking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
One night a man and a woman doctor are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it.
So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex 20 minutes or so.
Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. "You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy wants some dirty fun and says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he wrecks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn’t because she didn’t have any clothes on. He replies, “Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!?
She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I’m sorry, I think he's too far in."
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"
The young engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson went on a camping trip. After sharing a good meal and a bottle of Petrie wine, they retire to their tent for the night.
At about 3 AM, Holmes nudges Watson and asks, "Watson, look up at the roof and tell me what you see?"
Watson said, "I see millions of stars."
Holmes asks, "And, what does that tell you?"
Watson replies, "Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and we are small and insignificant. Chronologically, it tells me that it's about 3 AM. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. It also tells me about the circumference of the Sun and every time someone measures the distance of the equator it's equivalent to a marshmallow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes retorts, "You bloody Idiot! Someone stole our tent!!"
1. A construction worker on the sixth floor needs a handsaw. He spots another worker on the ground floor and calls to him, but the worker below can't hear him. So he tries sign language.
First he points to his eye for 'I'. Then he points to his knee for 'need'. Finally he makes a sawing motion with his hand to indicate 'handsaw'. The other worker nods and then drops his pants and begins to masturbate.
The worker up on the sixth floor runs down furious and yells at the other worker 'What's your problem, you moron? I said I need a handsaw!'
The other guys says 'Yeah, I understood, and I replied I'm coming!'
God comes to Adam and says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?"
"The good news", Adams replies
"I've given you a brain and a penis.", God says
"Good!", Adam exclaims, "What's the bad news?"
"I only gave you enough blood to use one at a time."
1. Woman phones up her husband at work for a chat. HIM: "I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today." HER: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear." HIM: "OK darling, but as I've g...ot no time now, just give me the good news." HER: "Well, the air bag works."..
1. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, "Take only one, God is watching." Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of cookies..a little boy pasted a note on the cookies saying..take as many as you want because >God is watching the apples
1. Mrs. Squiffy decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant."
"But you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," said Mrs. Squiffy. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry, and I want his new wife to go nuts looking for the jewelry."
1. A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his penis, something she seemed to love to do.
Enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'
She replied, 'Because I really miss mine.'
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
The moral of the story - Pay your bloody bills !!!
1. Sex jokes
. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big or a good memory.. I don't remember, what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......
15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.
16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!
1. Cyanide please
A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away. The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Q: Why did God invent Men??????????
A: Cos vibrators can't mow the lawn!!!!!!!!
Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign r eads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth f loor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
T he second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Thanks