Yet Another Journal

[NYCGay]

My first sex act after the surgery, at twenty-five days out, felt like a big success: a group act with my husband and another couple, one of whom I fucked, and the other who fucked me, both of them aware of my implant, but curiously uninterested in it, as if they just wanted to fuck and didn’t particularly care about the mechanics that made it possible. It was all wonderful and exciting. Check out the post I wrote the day after if you’re looking for something titillating, because this post will be a downer. The continuation of the story has not been as good, and right now, I’m feeling pretty lousy.

After that first sex act, I took my time. I was busy with work, and I didn’t mind letting the weeks go by while I healed and my pubes grew back out. I did start having sex with my husband again, but he doesn’t bottom, so sex between us was not radically different from before, and I never expected it to be. We have an open relationship, and it was mainly for the sake of extramarital encounters that I got the implant -- and just for the feeling of being hard.

And now, in the last three weeks, while I’ve been on a long visit in my Scandinavian home country, I’ve had three such encounters -- the final one was last night -- and they have all been disappointments.

No, the problem is no longer that I can’t get hard enough; I fucked all three guys. The problem is that my dick fucking hurts: the shaft and the head and the base; the whole thing just aches and stings, as if there is some hard, alien object inside it, pressing painfully against my own soft tissue. Which, of course, there is.

But why wasn’t I bothered by that during that first sex act, at day twenty-five? Perhaps because I was high on ecstasy back then, while these last three acts were conducted in a sober state. But it’s been almost three months since my surgery. At three months, you’re typically fully healed, according to Dr. Eid. I would expect any pain at this point to be rather minor. Merrix, whose account I guess is the gold standard here on FrankTalk, reported some pain at three months, but not bad enough to be a deal breaker. Mine is. It’s not excruciating, but it’s bad enough to make me wish that I could somehow just remove myself from the situation without loosing face, because all I want is to press that release button and deflate.

The outcome is that these sex acts have been, in an essential way, disappointingly similar to the ones I had before I got implanted. Back then, when I injected, I worried about my half-hard dick going too soft for penetration, and I wondered how long I would have to try to keep going before it would be okay to finish (for which I would always have to use of my own hand). The preoccupation with my unsatisfactory erection would always create a distance between me and my sex partner; I was never able to focus fully on the thrill of the sex or the intimacy of the encounter. I hoped the other guy was having fun, while I just wished I could get the thing over with. Now I can stay hard, but instead, yesterday, I was preoccupied with the pain. I was hoping the other guy was having fun, while I just wished I could get the thing over with ...

I asked him to come, and he did. I failed to, even using my hand. We rested, cuddling and talking. Here was something I could enjoy, though my dick still felt pretty mangled. I tried jerking myself off again, and failed again. We went back to cuddling and talking.

He told me that his very Anglo-Saxon first name (rather atypical in this Scandinavian country), had been given to him by his birth parents in a Latin American country, from which he had been adopted. This story brought up a vague, distant memory -- and, yes, today when I searched for his name in the diary of sexual encounters I’ve kept on my computer since the nineties -- mainly to evaluate the effect of different ED treatments -- I found him in an entry from almost twenty years ago: August 17, 2001. In that diary entry, I lament my dick going soft too early.

So with him, I've experienced both distractions: In our encounter twenty years ago, it was as about my dick going soft; yesterday, it was the pain. He’s a sexy guy. It would be fun to finally have an encounter with him without my mind being on the problems.

He started pulling on my dick again, clearly wanting to help me come. I was deflated now, and there was no discrete way to pump up again, and I hesitated to tell him about the implant, so I just took over, and finally managed to rub one out. So with my new dick, which I can get hard anytime I want, I ended up jerking off soft.

I’m pretty down right now, but not completely despondent. I find it likely that the pain will fade with time. But will it fade enough, given that it’s already been three months?

I will see Dr. Eid for my three-month check-up when I get back to the State. I will discuss the situation with him then. And a guy here on FrankTalk graciously gave me the contact number to a Titan customer representative. I’m going to reach out to him next week and ask about my problems.

Though I would label the pain itself physical, it also has psychological consequences. Being hard doesn’t feel exciting when there is discomfort or downright pain. And I think it’s because of this discomfort and pain that I don’t even quite feel like it’s me being hard; rather, there is just a hard alien object inside my soft dick. Yesterday, during the sex act, I marveled at the other guy’s dick: so hard and natural-feeling. My dick doesn’t feel like that to myself. I hope it will one day, but it doesn’t now.

[confused95]

My first sex act after the surgery, at twenty-five days out, felt like a big success: a group act with my husband and another couple, one of whom I fucked, and the other who fucked me, both of them aware of my implant, but curiously uninterested in it, as if they just wanted to fuck and didn’t particularly care about the mechanics that made it possible. It was all wonderful and exciting. Check out the post I wrote the day after if you’re looking for something titillating, because this post will be a downer. The continuation of the story has not been as good, and right now, I’m feeling pretty lousy.

After that first sex act, I took my time. I was busy with work, and I didn’t mind letting the weeks go by while I healed and my pubes grew back out. I did start having sex with my husband again, but he doesn’t bottom, so sex between us was not radically different from before, and I never expected it to be. We have an open relationship, and it was mainly for the sake of extramarital encounters that I got the implant -- and just for the feeling of being hard.

And now, in the last three weeks, while I’ve been on a long visit in my Scandinavian home country, I’ve had three such encounters -- the final one was last night -- and they have all been disappointments.

No, the problem is no longer that I can’t get hard enough; I fucked all three guys. The problem is that my dick fucking hurts: the shaft and the head and the base; the whole thing just aches and stings, as if there is some hard, alien object inside it, pressing painfully against my own soft tissue. Which, of course, there is.

But why wasn’t I bothered by that during that first sex act, at day twenty-five? Perhaps because I was high on ecstasy back then, while these last three acts were conducted in a sober state. But it’s been almost three months since my surgery. At three months, you’re typically fully healed, according to Dr. Eid. I would expect any pain at this point to be rather minor. Merrix, whose account I guess is the gold standard here on FrankTalk, reported some pain at three months, but not bad enough to be a deal breaker. Mine is. It’s not excruciating, but it’s bad enough to make me wish that I could somehow just remove myself from the situation without loosing face, because all I want is to press that release button and deflate.

The outcome is that these sex acts have been, in an essential way, disappointingly similar to the ones I had before I got implanted. Back then, when I injected, I worried about my half-hard dick going too soft for penetration, and I wondered how long I would have to try to keep going before it would be okay to finish (for which I would always have to use of my own hand). The preoccupation with my unsatisfactory erection would always create a distance between me and my sex partner; I was never able to focus fully on the thrill of the sex or the intimacy of the encounter. I hoped the other guy was having fun, while I just wished I could get the thing over with. Now I can stay hard, but instead, yesterday, I was preoccupied with the pain. I was hoping the other guy was having fun, while I just wished I could get the thing over with ...

I asked him to come, and he did. I failed to, even using my hand. We rested, cuddling and talking. Here was something I could enjoy, though my dick still felt pretty mangled. I tried jerking myself off again, and failed again. We went back to cuddling and talking.

He told me that his very Anglo-Saxon first name (rather atypical in this Scandinavian country), had been given to him by his birth parents in a Latin American country, from which he had been adopted. This story brought up a vague, distant memory -- and, yes, today when I searched for his name in the diary of sexual encounters I’ve kept on my computer since the nineties -- mainly to evaluate the effect of different ED treatments -- I found him in an entry from almost twenty years ago: August 17, 2001. In that diary entry, I lament my dick going soft too early.

So with him, I've experienced both distractions: In our encounter twenty years ago, it was as about my dick going soft; yesterday, it was the pain. He’s a sexy guy. It would be fun to finally have an encounter with him without my mind being on the problems.

He started pulling on my dick again, clearly wanting to help me come. I was deflated now, and there was no discrete way to pump up again, and I hesitated to tell him about the implant, so I just took over, and finally managed to rub one out. So with my new dick, which I can get hard anytime I want, I ended up jerking off soft.

I’m pretty down right now, but not completely despondent. I find it likely that the pain will fade with time. But will it fade enough, given that it’s already been three months?

I will see Dr. Eid for my three-month check-up when I get back to the State. I will discuss the situation with him then. And a guy here on FrankTalk graciously gave me the contact number to a Titan customer representative. I’m going to reach out to him next week and ask about my problems.

Though I would label the pain itself physical, it also has psychological consequences. Being hard doesn’t feel exciting when there is discomfort or downright pain. And I think it’s because of this discomfort and pain that I don’t even quite feel like it’s me being hard; rather, there is just a hard alien object inside my soft dick. Yesterday, during the sex act, I marveled at the other guy’s dick: so hard and natural-feeling. My dick doesn’t feel like that to myself. I hope it will one day, but it doesn’t now.

Sorry for your bad sex.
I bet it will improve with time mate!
What about getting some pain killers next time?

[cbinspok]

NYC
Great to hear from you, Sorry its not going perfect. Have you thought of popping a pain pill before? Like for now till you see the Doc. Enjoy your thoughts and sad it’s not great right now. Keep the faith bro. I look at FT in mornings over coffee its like squeezing into a restaurant booth with buds who “get it” the joy,excitement and the disappointments and taking it all.
Hang in there
Cb

[OregonStrong]

I went through that same thing you are feeling. I don't think the pain really was gone with having sex until about 6 months in, maybe even 7. At times when I am almost overly inflated, it still hurts a bit and I have to deflate a few pumps and it goes away, but I have the LGX that stretches out more with inflation so the pain probably can vary somewhat depending on number of pumps. I know I keep harping on the VED in posts, but using one helped get rid of my lingering pain, it helped stretch out my internal tissues I feel. Maybe something to try.

[Mark74]

", both of them aware of my implant, but curiously uninterested in it, as if they just wanted to fuck and didn’t particularly care about the mechanics that made it possible"

I wish women were more like this

I don't think popping pain pills to have sex is a good idea. If you are feeling pain then I think you need more time

Im guessing anal sex is too tight for your stage of healing. I would rest your penis for another couple of weeks and then start using a vaginal fleshlight with plenty of lubrication. This can start easing you into penetrative sex

I'm also a big fan of seminal retention and not ejaculating too much. You want to make sure your libido is high so there isnt too much mismatch between your libido and your artificial erection. I would htink this would help engorge the natural soft tissues of the spongiosum and create a fleshier, spongier erection

[BuffaloMaxx]

Hey NYC,

You have no idea how sorry I am that you are having Issues. First I came here to give you a big thanks. I’m 24 hours post op and registered on the site this morning initially to come and thank the many folks who unknowingly were part of my decision to have the surgery. Yours happened to be the last one I read that gave me the courage to make the call. It saddened me to read your latest post, but really from the many many stories I’ve read I believe you need to give it more time. I totally get your mindset, but I’ve prepared myself to not make a decision on success or failure of my surgery for at least 1 year. Give yourself some time to heal. 3 months is nothing. Stay positive and try not let your mind get the best of you with doom scenarios. Dr Eid is the best and I’m confident things are going to work out for you(us).

That said, I came here to thank you for your thread. While the physical detail was helpful, it was the emotional and mental process you went through that truly gave me insight. Your honesty and depth was incredible. Men often focus on the physical aspect of things and is not often we delve into the emotional aspect. Myself especially, growing up with a military father and a life long “jock” emotion was something that was not displayed let alone discussed.

Best wishes!
Maxx

[eisenhower]

NYCGay, first of all, thank you so much for the tremendous effort you've put into documenting your case with such detail and both emotional and technical content. This is literally like "implant school" for guys like me who increasingly think an implant might be part of their journey at some point. For me, I'm dealing with Peyronie's for the fourth time in my life, and each time, I suffer tremendous anxiety wondering if this time will be "it" ... the progression that ends my erections.

But what I want to ask you about is the tunica weakening you described and documented in pics. Until this very moment, I had no idea what was going on with my own penis, but I clearly have the same condition. Following my last minor skirmish with Peyronie's in 2013, which resolved itself over the next three years, I slowly came to realize my girth was actually getting larger! Over the past 6 years, I've seen my girth increase from my lifelong 5.75" to 6" and then in the last three years, to 6.25" - all because my right-side corpora has "ballooned" in the mid-section.

To be honest, I thought this was some happy accident of the Peyronie's healing process whereby maybe previously restricted tunica was suddenly free, but now I realize it's exactly what you saw - a weakened tunica ballooning out.

I've even loved the fact that I was so much bigger - I can definitely tell the difference when having sex.

But now that I know what it is, I'm freaked the **** out! I can't believe I've never heard of this condition, but I have to wonder if guys like us (not yourself anymore) are at greatly increased risk of penile fracture at the weak part. It would stand to reason that we are.

Honestly, after untold years of anxiety about Peyronie's one day ending me, now I have to worry about fracturing my penis because the tunica is growing weak?

Do you have any further insight on this? Did Eid say much about it, other than it could pose problems with an implant (which, thankfully, does not appear to be the case with you!).

Regards,
eisenhower

[NYCGay]

What about getting some pain killers next time?

Have you thought of popping a pain pill before? Like for now till you see the Doc.

Yes, I have thought about popping a pill, though the pain I’ve had during anal sex has been rather too sharp and distinct for me to think that a regular Tylanol or aspirin will make much of a dent. And in the long run, I still hope that sex will be something I engage in because it’s fun and exciting and pleasurable, and not something I have to take pain killers in order to endure. Still, I’m open to the idea as a temporary measure.

I went through that same thing you are feeling. I don't think the pain really was gone with having sex until about 6 months in, maybe even 7.

It calms my fears to hear that you too apparently had pain at this point of the journey, and that it got better later on. I’m okay with it taking some time. I just want there to eventually be a state where things are better than they are right now.

At times when I am almost overly inflated, it still hurts a bit and I have to deflate a few pumps and it goes away

Yes, the harder I pump myself, the more unconfortable I am, and the more sensitive -- in a bad way -- is my dick. But the thing is, of course, that when you’re going anal, you have to be pretty hard; the level of hardness that feels comfortable for me right now is not quite enough for getting into that sphincter. I’m hoping that the issue just is that I’m not yet quite healed enough for the kind of sex (i.e. anal) that I’m trying to conduct and that it will get better with time.

I know I keep harping on the VED in posts, but using one helped get rid of my lingering pain, it helped stretch out my internal tissues I feel.

I was not at all aware that VED might be useful for this. I will read up on your posts and probably try this out.

Im guessing anal sex is too tight for your stage of healing. I would rest your penis for another couple of weeks and then start using a vaginal fleshlight with plenty of lubrication.

Yeah, waiting a little before the next attempt is pretty much what I’ve decided to do. I’ve never used a fleshlight, but I think you’re right it might be a good idea. I hope it might help me, at least my mindset, to engage in pleasant sexual stimulation.

II’m 24 hours post op and registered on the site this morning initially to come and thank the many folks who unknowingly were part of my decision to have the surgery.

Best of luck to you! I’ll hope you'll have a speedy recovery and a great outcome! Keep us posted!

I’ve prepared myself to not make a decision on success or failure of my surgery for at least 1 year. Give yourself some time to heal. 3 months is nothing.

Yes, I hope you’re right. It will be interesting to hear what Dr. Eid says when I see him soon.

That said, I came here to thank you for your thread. While the physical detail was helpful, it was the emotional and mental process you went through that truly gave me insight. Your honesty and depth was incredible.

Well, thank you! I try to be honest in my posts and not hold back or leave relevant things out. It’s kind of liberating to write anonymously, using a made-up profile name and a well-cropped crotch-shot for a profile pic.

Over the past 6 years, I've seen my girth increase from my lifelong 5.75" to 6" and then in the last three years, to 6.25" - all because my right-side corpora has "ballooned" in the mid-section.

To be honest, I thought this was some happy accident of the Peyronie's healing process whereby maybe previously restricted tunica was suddenly free, but now I realize it's exactly what you saw - a weakened tunica ballooning out.

I've even loved the fact that I was so much bigger - I can definitely tell the difference when having sex.

But now that I know what it is, I'm freaked the **** out! I can't believe I've never heard of this condition, but I have to wonder if guys like us (not yourself anymore) are at greatly increased risk of penile fracture at the weak part. It would stand to reason that we are.

Honestly, after untold years of anxiety about Peyronie's one day ending me, now I have to worry about fracturing my penis because the tunica is growing weak?

Do you have any further insight on this? Did Eid say much about it, other than it could pose problems with an implant (which, thankfully, does not appear to be the case with you!)..

Dr. Eid didn’t anything about penile fractures to me. He did say that my surgery would be a bit of a challenge, due to my uneven shape, but that he had yet to encounter a penis who couldn’t fit an implant into. While your idea that you are at an increased risk of a fracture sounds reasonable, I think you should discuss it with your urologist before you start worrying too much about it. You don’t really know for sure that you are at an increased risk. And if you eventually go for the implant, then I guess the point will be moot. In any case, I wish you all the best.

[NYCGay]

On Wednesday, I had my three-month checkup with Dr. Eid. He said everything looked fine, and that the tips were perfectly placed within the glans; he had sized me correctly.

I asked him about the pain I experience during anal sex. He acknowledged that the harder you pump, the more likely you are to have pain, and of course you have to pump pretty hard for anal. He said the pain should go away completely eventually, but he couldn’t give me a time line. For now, he prescribed 800 mg of Ibuprofen, to be taken with food an hour before sex. That should take the edge off the pain, he said. I haven’t had the opportunity to try it yet, but will. Of course, in the long run, I’d prefer not to have to pop pills again whenever I’m going to have sex (or at least anal sex), but I’m perfectly fine with it as a temporary solution. I’m kind of fine with anything, really, as long as it works to some degree. At this point in my life, I no longer hope for perfect outcomes. I’m willing to deal with compromises and tradeoffs. Or perhaps that’s not completely true: I do want to indulge in uninhibited anal sex without worrying about going soft (achieved) and without being in so much pain that I’m not having fun (not yet achieved).

I also discussed getting the Rezum treatment for my enlarged prostate. A year ago, I had an incident when I wasn’t able to pee at all. I ended up having to go to an urgent care center, so they could drain me with a catheter. I still couldn’t pee after that, so that night, I went to an emergency room, and they put in a catheter with a bag strapped to my thigh, which I had for three days. Since then, I’ve been on Flomax (Tamsolusin), which makes it easier to pee, but has the side effect of decreasing the amount of ejaculate. The Rezum procedure shrinks the prostate permanently by blowing water vapor into it, killing some of the cells, and this should enable me to get off the Flomax.

But (of course there is a but), treating a certain part of the prostate could lead to retrograde ejaculations, meaning my orgasms might go completely dry. If ejaculating is important to me, Dr. Eid said, then he wouldn’t treat that particular part, and then we’ll see if that is still enough to solve my peeing problem and let me get off the Flomax. If not, I would have to decide whether I want a second treatment, which might then cause my orgasms to go dry.

I don’t come easily. I’ve rarely succeeded in coming from fucking, and it’s been years and years since the last time. Having to always finish myself off with my hand, yes, at least I want the visual display of shooting salty sticky cum onto my sex partner, or into his mouth. I’d be reluctant to give that up, so I’m going to start with the limited treatment, asking Dr. Eid to leave the part that could leave to retrograde ejaculations alone.

[Waynetho]

On Wednesday, I had my three-month checkup with Dr. Eid. He said everything looked fine, and that the tips were perfectly placed within the glans; he had sized me correctly.

I asked him about the pain I experience during anal sex. He acknowledged that the harder you pump, the more likely you are to have pain, and of course you have to pump pretty hard for anal. He said the pain should go away completely eventually, but he couldn’t give me a time line. For now, he prescribed 800 mg of Ibuprofen, to be taken with food an hour before sex. That should take the edge off the pain, he said. I haven’t had the opportunity to try it yet, but will.

I'm curious as to how much preparation goes into your penetration. I've only topped for anal on 2-3 occasions since my implant on 10/28/19, and for my first time on 9/4/20, I found it difficult to penetrate right off so I started dilating my partner with several fingers (one first, then two, three, four). After about 20-25 seconds of finger-fucking I was able to easily penetrate him.

Do you do any dilation of your partner or do you try to penetrate right off the bat? Of course I used lube, both on me and inside him (with a lube syringe), but even then penetration needed a little help at first.