How the hell I am supposed to handle dating with ED?

[frwmw1]

Ever since having ED I've been doing a lot of reading and whatnot to make up for it. I'm married, to be honest, I think my wife is now more interested in sex since I did this. But if I were single again, I'd have a lot more sex without an erection - I would've been the most popular guy at school if I did that.

[ViaSwiss]

Been dating w ED since 18. It just plain sucks. You can have great times, but you are never your true self because you operate out of fear. We are really lucky to live in a time where implants are an option. How many men in the past lived as hermits or just killed themselves due to this with no options..

[verytempted1992]

Short answer: Don't wait to date.

Don't shy away from approaching a woman just because your penis cannot perform. Women are incredibly supportive, understanding and eager to help if they feel trusted, respected and SAFE.

With respect, women in your age range are bound to be more understanding than women in their 20s. That said, they do exist in the younger ranges but they're in the minority.

[Lost Sheep]

This is a very subjective topic.. for once I don’t agree with the older guys. And then again it might work for you.. my first question is have you tried everything? Pills, muse, injections, ved etc?? What is you plan to address your Ed? So from my own experience I thought I found a great girl and started going out with her told her all about my ed and she even helped me by setting up a hypnotherapy session to see if was in my head.. anyways fast forward 6 months on we break up coz she can’t handle the no sex as she was a very sexual person and made my ed even worse, as I thought I found the great girl that would understand and she did understand for the first couple months... as the months went on she became far more flirty while drinking with other guys and eventually it got too much for me... so also to add insult to injury she told a good few people about my erection problems which got back to me she did it more out of talking than been malicious... so this set me back a lot. Then I got back on the horse again and started dating this other girl and she was a very horny girl and on the second date we went back to my house and of course I couldn’t do anything next thing I pretended I had a headache and it was obvious what happened.. next thing I was hearing from our mutual friend that set us up that she thought I was gay coz I couldn’t get it up... now admittedly this’ll ear incidents were when I was early 20’s and they were too but if I was you man I’d get my self sorted first. I know it’s great to have someone to be with and share your life but again depends your personality my way would be get my ass sorted first then go on the dating trail.

To dispel the rumors that you might be gay, I suggest learning how to kiss, pet, and show sexual appreciation for the woman you are with in other ways than phallic. And be up front about your penis' inability to get erect. Learn to use your hands, toys and tongue (or whatever you are willing to do). You don't want to have the pool of dating candidates narrowed to the point that your preferred gender rule themselves out.

To be blunt, in my opinion, pretending you had a headache was the wrong thing to do.

Being in denial about a problem is not attractive to women. Confronting it and taking action about it is attractive to women.

Being willing to satisfy a woman sexually is attractive to women. If a woman will accept cunnilingus, learn how to do that. If she is willing to be satisfied with sex toys, learn to use them. You have learned that women talk (about being dissatisfied). They may be equally willing to talk about being satisfied. If so, your reputation as a man able to satisfy by other means (ways that do not have the risk of pregnancy) may expand your dating options.

Women are incredibly supportive if they feel trusted. You did not display trust. Women are incredibly supportive if they feel respected. Women are incredibly free with their affections if they feel safe.

If you operate out of fear, fear of getting discovered to have a limp dick, fear of ridicule, fear of being thought to be gay, how can you possibly ever enjoy being on a date where physical intimacy might ambush you?

You have a choice. Date only platonically or date with the truth between you and your dates. Or not date at all.

frwmw has some good advice. By expanding his sexual repertoire, his sexual potential has expanded.

Ever since having ED I've been doing a lot of reading and whatnot to make up for it. I'm married, to be honest, I think my wife is now more interested in sex since I did this. But if I were single again, I'd have a lot more sex without an erection - I would've been the most popular guy at school if I did that.

Good luck.

[irishguy]

Lost sheep you are forgetting the major part before your advice for me about how I did have a girlfriend and did everything with her and then I was burned so had to come up with silly excuses for other women, I treated the ex girlfriend like a queen so your advice does not work well at least for my ex girlfriend of 6 months!!

[irishguy]

And I would not date at all till I got myself sorted if I was to do this all over again

[Lost Sheep]

Lost sheep you are forgetting the major part before your advice for me about how I did have a girlfriend and did everything with her and then I was burned so had to come up with silly excuses for other women, I treated the ex girlfriend like a queen so your advice does not work well at least for my ex girlfriend of 6 months!!

Sorry. I did not infer from your original post that you told her about your E.D. and your post today (wherein you specified that you came clean with her) did not tell me if you had "no sex" or had sex without penile penetration.

It is possible to satisfy a woman sexually (if you are willing to do what it takes) by other means.

I know that some religious prohibitions, moral convictions or societal strictures forbid some activities. If you are bound by such limitations, you have greater hurdles than I did. After I got used to the idea of using my tongue on a woman and learned to be skillful with fingers, tongue and toys instead of my penis, my relationships improved and stabilized greatly.

It is, indeed, troubling to be in a relationship with a willing woman and not be able to satisfy her appetite. I feel for you.

[Gt1956]

I can understand many of the troubles of dating with ED. I don't envy those in that situation. It hasn't been that long ago that a guy, of any age, didn't have any options. The only options that I can think of are those that medicine currently gives us. None are perfect, few are long term solutions. Back to what medicine offers. Pills, suppositories, shots & perhaps VED's. Lastly, an implant. You can argue that a few men might benefit from counseling, life style changes or maybe some other surgery options. But honestly those last 3 options have from what I've read. The lowest success rate of all treatments. So lets look at where you live. Hopefully your country has a decent medical system where you can get help with the first line of the more effective treatments. It can be a slow process to work your way through the system to get treatment. Not going to lie to you about that. But at least you do have some control over how you interact with the health system. As you are going down that path you can start to get settled into your mind what treatments that you wish to persue. A bit of counseling might help with that.

[Gt1956]

So to continue. It is pretty well settled on FT that after going through all of the medical treatments that I listed at first. An implant is the more common ending point. Again, it is a treatment. Not a cure, nor perfect. I wish that I could offer you a quick cure but I don't know of one. Please remember we are all suffer from the same condition here as you do. Judging or mocking you would be doing that to ourselves also. I can only point you towards what others before you have done that had some level of success.
As a side note. Perhaps it might be helpful to point out that dating with ED might be similar to a common problem that some women run into. If a woman for religious or other reasons wishes to wait until marriage for sex. She has a similar problem dating in such as many men don't want to date her because she won't have sex. She has to deal with talk, gossip & rejection also. Life is full of cruel turns.
Best of luck. Read & think about what options are discussed here on FT. Hopefully, those options can help you where ever you live.

[hopeful_future]

Did I just find a gem of a woman, or is it that I don't give enough credit to them in general? I keep asking myself if I had the same conversation with 10 women what would be the outcome of it...

If you took 10 random women on the street? Who knows...But I would wager if you took 10 women who you care about and who you have started building an actual human relationship with? 8 or 9 out of 10, I have very little doubt. I know I'm bi, so maybe I just have a different way of choosing partners, but every woman I've been with has responded way more to confidence and sincerity than to dick. Yeah, they're horny, and loved to know what makes me feel good...yeah, they loved it when I made them cum. When I couldn't get it up? They couldn't care less. Same with guys, but I never did hookups. I forged friendships, and those friendships blossomed to include intimacy...

On the bad side I thought doing it would make feel free of some weight, but somehow I just feel equally or more frustrated than before. Like, this is not fair, I shouldn't have to be telling someone I care about something so heavy, no one should. I know now I have to keep digging and taking the test the andrologist ordered, one step at the time, but the wait for whatever the final outcome of this hell might be is being unbearable.

It's not unreasonable to feel that way. Our stories are a little similar, in that I had ED issues forever...Never had erections that were strong enough to penetrate. Half the time, they weren't even enough for me to get off. Our stories differ a lot from there though. I built friendships and found that I was really attracted to most people I became friends with. A good number of them, I ended up telling them I thought they were hot, and we either had flings or ongoing friends with benefits arrangements. Some weren't into it, and that was fine too. My main point is that I got really good at telling people "Yeah, I don't always get hard, doesn't mean I'm not into you...here, let me show you this trick I can do with my tongue."

You CAN have a great sex life even with ED. You just have to accept it as part of yourself, and love the other parts of you. When someone loves you, whether as a friend or a partner, your erections are such a small part of their feelings for you. If you care about them and their pleasure, and are willing to be vulnerable with them, it's super attractive...with or without erections. And if someone is shitty to you because of your ED, it's their fuckin issue, not yours. They're just telling you in very clear terms that they're not the sort of person you want to be with.

And despite all of this, I still got an implant...because despite having a great sex life, a loving husband, and lots of fun, there was an aspect of my sex life that I craved but couldn't fulfill. I'm getting to explore that now, and I'm grateful for the opportunity...But I am no better or worse a lover now.

Sorry for rambling. TL;DR: love yourself and have faith that good people will accept you for who you are.