My Journal

[merrix]

Sorry to sound like an arsehole but you have left your family at Christmas so you can have your expensive new cock!

Do you know that the average time for intercourse to ejacuation is circa 5 mins, therefore the 40 minute the respected but highly renumiated Dr Eid quotes is absolute bullshit?!

If you could have a sex 8 times out of 10 on pills like you have said on previous threads then you have been doing well for a bloke at 40 plus. Therefore do you want to be a porn star or sleep with 20 year old women? I'm sure your wife is happy with 10 minutes penetration plus foreplay and love and attention?


I'm glad your doing well post implant but I'm concerned that you have done this for yourself and not for your wife or wider family.

Giollam121

Thanks for the Frank Talk. That's why we're here, isn't it?

Not sure what you are aiming for here.
I didn't slam your sclerotherapy post.
I objected when you slammed me and everyone else here who tried the sclerothery by telling us we were not men for not taking on the crooks who perform the sclerotherapy treatment.
I just said I had no complaints technically on the result.
And hence I don't like to be told I am not a man and don't stand up. Because that's absolute bullshit.
If I felt cheated by the clinic, I'd have taken a decision on whether to go after them or not based on what would be to win from it and what it would take from me in terms of already limited time. Had I decided it was worth going for them I'd have gone all in. That's how I am. But now there is no reason. They delivered according to statements made prior to treatment.

I object telling anyone what to do. I'm just here to tell my story and let everyone who reads it do whatever they want with it and just use it as a part of the information which eventually leads to a decision.

In a way that is all I have to say to your post, but since I have absolutely nothing else to do as I am sitting alone in my hotel bored to death, here is a respond to your post!


First of all, I don't for sure understand the purpose of your post. Are you saying that you wouldn't have got an implant in my situation, or are you saying I was stupid to get one?
If you mean that you wouldn't have, then don't get one, and we're all happy!

If you are trying to say that I was stupid to get one, then I simply disagree with you. I have a different opinion.

Don't know if that first part about Christmas was a joke or serious.
But for me, it was really the only time to do it. I have a job where I just can't be off for too long. I am managing a business and I must work when our customers and my Group Management colleagues work. So Christmas and New Year period is the only time of the year when I know I can be sure I don't need to travel.

I don't know where the 5 minutes come from, but I think I have a vague memeory myself of reading that as well.
However, the big difference in my case is that the 5 minutes is best case and it is 5 minutes till my dick goes limp. The normal case is not 5 minutes till the dick goes soft, rather 5 minutes till the egoistic and maybe lazy man decides he doesn't bother continue any more. Unless he suffers from PE of course.
The average 5 minutes lovemaking man has a choice. I don't.
He doesn't feel miserable after his 5 minutes. I do feel miserable when I either finish with a semi-soft dick or can't finish at all.
My 5 minutes limit is set by a medical condition. Venous leak. Not by egoism, laziness or being out of shape.

Being able to have sex (with various quality) 8 of 10 times, and fail 2, means that I will feel like shit at least twice per month. And it means that the other 8 times, I am ok maybe half of them when a 5 minutes quickie was what both of us wanted. The other 4 I'll still be disappointed that ED restricted me.
And I don't have 10 minutes plus foreplay. That wouldn't be too bad. I have roughly 5 minutes including foreplay. And that's not ok. Neither for me or my wife.

And it's not normal. That is for sure bullshit. For sure, the average man my age is no 'pornstar'. But the average guys dick does not go soft when he decides to change from man-on-top to woman-on-top.

Regarding who I'm doing it for.
Well, that is mostly for myself of course. And there is nothing wrong with that. Isn't most surgeries for ourselves?
I do it because I want to feel good about myself. Because I don't want this to eat me up, consume me and influence negatively other things in life important to me. My wife, my kids, my friends, my work. And that's what it started to do.

Of course, the easiest way would be if I could have accepted the way it was and be happy living my life with ED. And I could and did for 25 years. But things changed and now I have to deal with it. Simple as that. That is just the way I am as a person. In private life (health, family, fitness etc) and at work. I compare where I am to where I want to be. And I take actions and deal with it.

Regarding my wife. Once I had decided, she wanted me to do this. She loves me and would not leave me because of my ED. On the other hand, I think in the long run, ED can start to negatively affect a marriage outside the bedroom as well even if you don't 'think it will'. Something you don't know till it actually happens.
And to say that she was happy with the sex we had is wrong. She accepted it. She would 't complain. But that is a totally different thing than being happy with it. If she was a poor lover because of a medical condition she could do nothing about - of course I wouldn't complain either. That would be simply mean. And meaningless since she per definition couldn't do something about it since it was for medical reasons. But I wouldn't be happy about it, and I would have supported her to have the problem solved if it was possible.

Finally, the comparison to what is 'normal' is in a way irrelevant.
I'm sure there is a level of ED which some men can accept and still live a happy life with. While another man would be miserable with even a less severe degree of ED. It just depends on where our individual treshold for what we can accept is.
I had two choices. Accept my ED and be happy with it. Or do something about it. Any solution would have been fine. But the former didn't work for me, so I had to choose the latter.

We are all different. In the end it is only about what is right for me. I do what I think is best for me and my family.
And you do what you think is best for you and yours.
That will make both of us happy, and that's what it's all about.

Good luck.

[strongagain]

5 minutes applies to rabbits. I have slept with quite a number of women, none of them would had been happy had I stopped making love to her after 5-10 minutes. Just the oposite. We carried on till both of us were tired.

[gollam121]

Hi Merrix,

Firstly Happy New Year (new start and all that).

I guess it is all about Frank talk and I apologise for my frankness sometimes.

If your wife is good with it all and this was the ideal window for you then you had to take it.

It sounds like you had a worse leak than me so you can understand why I regret my hasty decision to have the Scerothreapy procedure done. My hope is that I can still have an implant myself and that the last proceddure hasn't put this at risk? Judging by your early reports it appears not so I will see how things go over the next few months.

It's worth noting that I've been on SSRI antidepressants over the last 3 months, I have read extensively that ED and loss of libedo are common so I need to get off them soon to better understand my situation.

What I'm finding strange is I can't masturbate as I'm far too soft, I get no psycogenic erections but interestly I have got hard when we have had sex over the last week or so, work that out and you can see why it's doing my head in! My wife says sex has been good when we've had it so I really don't know what's going on down there?

Genuinely good luck to you and your family and I hope you have finally reached the end of the road with your ED.

Regards
Gollam

[merrix]

Thanks Gollam.

The implant, unless I will need to remove it for some reason, will solve my ED. That is what it does per definition.
Remains to see whether I think it will make my sex life and general well being better.
But I am already pretty sure it will.

I don't think the sclero will negatively effect the implant result.
Eid thinks that my "crazy bleeding" (his words) and long lasting swelling and pain from swelling and inflammation was largely from the sclerotherapy causing a lack of veins available to drain blood.
However, he also thinks it is interesting in a positive aspect that a general problem with an implant for many patients is a rock hard shaft with a soft glans (which I would have had without the sclero since my head was soft with a viagra erection before the sclero). The sclero might help improve or solve this problem which is why it is a potentially good combination.

However, the excessive bleeding and inability to drain blood lead to blood being trapped in scrotum and cavernosa. This could hypothetically increase infektion risk since blood is an advantageous environment for bacteria to grow.
This was Eid's worry in the early days, but he has now written off that scenario in my case. At least written off the increased risk at this stage. Infection can happen to anyone for a substantial time after the surgery, and it can happen to me too. Risk is very low though as we know.

All in all, as said many times, I don't regret the sclero. It was a chance/risk worth taking and it developed my view on the ED issue and lead me to take the decision to move ahead with the implant. If I do get the bonus of a remaining effect in terms of better glans engorgement, then all the better.

Good luck Gollam and enjou the holidays!

[alibaba]

You've heard me say this before, "from the outside looking in" as I can only see things through your great and thoughtful posts. It fully looks like you have moved from apprehensive to concerned, to now very comfortable with your implant decision and ready to go home. It is great to see a person work through the transitions to a successful end. I have no doubt that being happy with yourself and that things operate in away that cause no stress will make life better for you, your family and at work. Happiness has a radiating effect that creates waves. cheers bud. You posting your journey as did Pockie and others gives the rest of us many insights and fuels thought to help sort this tough decision out in our minds to ready ourselves for what we must do. Thank you for sharing. d

[merrix]

Day 17 post op

The pulsating pain when standing up has decreased dramatically over the last few days. There is still some left, but it is very manageable compared to what it was up to day 12-13. Pain at night is also completely different. I can sleep, which I barely could before. At least not for any long consecutive periods of time.

Now it's all about cycling. Handling the pump is no issue. I never found the pump hard enough to make pumping a problem. Deflation was a bit tough from beginning.
One reason is because the release valve is less accessible than the pump, but also because the only way to get a good deflation result is to squeeze the penis really hard with one hand while pressing the release valve with the other. This requires a certain technique, which I already after 5 days of cycling have vastly improved, but far from perfected.
Another reason is that squeezing the penis as hard as it takes to get a good deflation result was painful the first days of cycling. It has already improved a lot, and now I can apply much more force. Still not as much as I think is needed for a perfect deflation though.
I have also learned that it is not enough to saueeze only the penis, but I also squeeze as much as I can the accessible part of the 'internal' penis.

My improved deflation skills have started to improve my flaccid, which was a joke before - pointing at 2:30. It is still nothing I'd like to show in a men's dressing room (pointing at 3:30), but it is getting better and better and I am quite sure it'll be good enough within a few weeks or months.
A well known disadvantage of the Titan is a large and rather stiff flaccid. That's the price to pay for the thickest and most rigid erection possible with an implant...
For me though, the flaccid is not such a major issue. The only one who normally sees my penis is my wife. And she knows what's going on anyway. I very seldom shower in public with other men. And if I do, I am old enough to not be in an environment where dicks are compared and commented on... Not like when one was 16 years old.

I am starting to see the end of the early days' pain and I see the focus shifting from pain and how to deal with the pain, and from worries on whether the surgery went well, to more practical issues such as perfecting skills for pumping and deflating.
I am still a rookie and haven't even had sex with it yet. But I have started the long journey of being bionic...

Till next time
/Merrix

[moetheman]

...ED can start to negatively affect a marriage outside the bedroom as well even if you don't 'think it will'. Something you don't know till it actually happens.

I think that is a very valid point. This happened to my marriage a few months ago. I had already decided to get an implant anyway but would be in a different place if I had got it earlier. My wife couldn't cope with the impacts of ED, even though she was very supportive for a long time. ED just slowly eats away at everything. I'm still hopeful that somehow I can still save the marriage, but that is going to take a lot of effort on both sides.

Merrix, you and I both are probably in a similar position in terms of post-op recovery. I think you have made faster progress but I was implanted a few weeks before you so at a similar stage now with cycling. I would be interested in your experience of whether the implant improves your relationship with your wife. Happy to PM separately.

[merrix]

...ED can start to negatively affect a marriage outside the bedroom as well even if you don't 'think it will'. Something you don't know till it actually happens.

I think that is a very valid point. This happened to my marriage a few months ago. I had already decided to get an implant anyway but would be in a different place if I had got it earlier. My wife couldn't cope with the impacts of ED, even though she was very supportive for a long time. ED just slowly eats away at everything. I'm still hopeful that somehow I can still save the marriage, but that is going to take a lot of effort on both sides.

Merrix, you and I both are probably in a similar position in terms of post-op recovery. I think you have made faster progress but I was implanted a few weeks before you so at a similar stage now with cycling. I would be interested in your experience of whether the implant improves your relationship with your wife. Happy to PM separately.

Go ahead and PM, I'm happy to discuss later once I see the effects on my marriage.

In general, I can say that my marriage is amazing. We are privileged since we live in some ways an easy life. We live in a fantastic place. We have tropical climate and spend most weekend time drinking chilled white wine by the pool with friends. I am on a full expatriate contract and my wife is not working. She spends her days working out, relaxing and spending time with all her friends who are in the same situation as her.

I am travelling a lot, basically three weeks per month monday to friday. But when I am home it is like holidays all the time. No gnabbing and discussions about who should do the shopping, cleaning etc. We have what many would call a traditional split of responsibilities, but it's the natural way to go considering our situation and we are both happy with it.
We never fight or even argue.

We have sex often I would say, or at least often considering that I spend ~50% of my time in hotels all over the world away from my wife. Let's say that out of 15 nights together in a month we have sex 7-8 times.
The ED has unfortunately created growing problems. Mostly because of how I deal with it. I used to not let it get to me for many years, and my wife did not show any signs of being bothered either.

However, as I have got more bothered by it lately it has affected us. I have been more negatively affected and disappointed every time it fails. After our all-cards-on-the-table discussion (which I forced), where my wife reluctantly confessed that my erection was softer than normal, to the degree that it reduced her pleasure, and that she had never experienced ever with anyone else that the erection faded away, the whole ED issue really got to my head.
I just don't want to be that guy. I don't want my wife to love me, and be indulgent about my ED.
I don't want my wife to know that most men out there could give her sexual satisfaction that I can't. Especially considering how attractive she is, there certainly are plenty who would be interested.
This is not to say I am afraid she would be unfaithful. I just don't want that feeling. And I don't want my wife to have it either. I am what many would call an 'alpha male'. I am performance oriented, I like to be successful in life and I normally achieve that success in whaever I choose to put my effort in to. I am tall, I keep my self in very good shape and other would describe me as very masculine and maybe macho. This makes the ED hit me even worse. It is just not me. I feel like I have a sexual performance which match very, very bad with the rest of body as well as my personality and appearance.
I had simply just came to the point of no return. I had to do something. And an implant was, as far as I can understand, the only remainig option.

Anyway, this started to get to me. Every time we had poor sex (by ED), I got affected by it. My wife of course noticed.
It started a vicious circle where she disregarded her own pleasure during sex and started to worry and focus on maximizing my chances to last till orgasm. I noted this as in her not enjoying sex, and the vicious circle is spinning faster and faster...
Our lovemaking ended up being more focused from both of us on avoiding failure than enjoying the sex. We both focused on doing all we could to maximize the chances of my erection to last till orgasm instead of focusing on pleasure. If it failed, we both got disappointed and if it didn't fail, we were both more happy that we managed to avoid my disappointment than we were happy and satisfied about the sex itself.

That's where we were when I flew out to NY for the surgery.
Going back a year in time, before sclerothery, when sex in reality was worse than ever, the consequential issues were not as bad as a month ago. But there is no clear linear relationship between actual technical level of ED and the consequences on marriage and general well-being and happiness. The correlation to impact on marriage and happiness is rather to the gap between level of ED and your own treshold for what you can accept.

In my case the sclerotherapy actually improved my ED. But my treshold for what I could accept raised even more, which in the end meant that improved ED made me more miserable. And started to affect our relationship.

There are still no guarantees the implant will solve this. Theoretically the same thing can happen again. My implant further improves (even solves) ED from a technical point of view. But my acceptance treshold could move along and I could still maintain my level of discontent. Remains to be seen, but I don't think that will happen.
And I think that one main reason is that with an implant, no matter how artificial it may be, you can always perform and always satisfy your partner. And for me that is a major part of great sex. If I can satisfy my partner, my own satisfaction increases exponentially. Then all of a sudden it is the opposite of a vicious circle. This is rather a positive feedback loop where my increased performance => wife's satisfaction increases => my satisfaction increases => my confidence and my performance increases => wife's satisfaction increases, etc. etc...

So I am confident that we, as a couple, have now solved the missing piece of our puzzle to take our marriage and lives from good to perfect.

[alibaba]

there is no impulse shopping when dealing with this kind of issue. You just don't walk down the sidewalk and suddenly see dick implants in the window, run in and say i want to buy one of these now. It is a serious change that takes a lot of thought to get your head around to determine if it is the right thing for you and the right thing for those around us. Best to all. d

[merrix]

Day 18 post op

Not much to add... Wouldn't have bothered if I had anything better to do, but my hotel room has only so much to offer in terms of entertainment...

The main problem I've had all the way through from the early days - the pulsating pain when standing upright - is basically gone. Don't know if it'd still be there if I stayed upright for a longer time, but when moving around in the hotel room, there is basically no pulsating pain at all. The only pain I have is:
1 - An occasional twinging in scrotum. Not often and not severe at all. Just uncomfortable when it happens suddenly without warning.
2 - Discomfort in the tip of the penis when pumping. This is however deliberately and according to Dr. Eid's instructions. He told me to inflate till point of discomfort (not pain). So every time I inflate I keep going till that point. I feel no pain or discomfort from stretching girth wise, only from the tips of the cylinders. As it is now I can pump around 40 pumps till I reach that point. On the other hand, I don't think these 40 pumps are equivalent to 40 pumps from a veteran since I still cannot squeeze the pump completely.

I inflate twice per day for 45-60 minutes each time. Mostly in the bath. Pumping is very easy and totally pain free while deflating is still slightly more bothersome. It takes me quite some time to get a complete deflation and it requires some rough squeezing of the penis. But I am taking steps on that learning curve every day...

Rebooked tickets again to leave one day earlier than the last plan. Now booked for tuesday night with arrival in my condo in SE Asia on thursday morning local time. 30 hours door-to-door. Four flights. Wife and daughter will arrive one day later from their winter holiday in our home country in Scandinavia.

It means I have another three days to kill here, so expect me to post away here for another three days before the frequency most likely will drop.

Doing my best to prepare for the 13 hours time difference to where I'm going, so I am going to bed around 6 pm and have my night's rest till around 1 am. That means I have already killed 5-6 of the 13 hors and I am left 'only' with a normal Europe to Asia jetlag. Which is crap but far better than US to Asia jetlag...

Good night!