Wife is against me getting an implant

[OregonStrong]

Time to move on. This is only going to get worse as she ages, even if you defied her and got an implant. Very few women in their 30's (assuming she's similar age to you), are going to suddenly want MORE sex when they are older if they are already turning it down at that age. She has some hang up about sex, or about you.

[Lost Sheep]

She is all but saying, its the implant or her.

I was given an ultimatum by a girlfriend once. "XXX or we break up."

My reply: "I accept."

I don't receive ultimatums well.

To fill out the story, though; I am also stupid at times. After we broke up, I relented and we got back together and I did what she wanted. Forty years later through on-and-off relationships with her I am out $100,000 in lost income and lawyer's fees, a near-collector's item Dan Wesson Pistol Pack with belt buckle, shoulder patch and fitted case (and this is one from the factory in Monson).

Moral of my story which I hope will serve you:

If she is actually giving you an ultimatum that if you go ahead and start the implant process, that she will not help you during your recovery, not permit sex with you upon recovery and make your life generally miserable for not bending to her unilateral will, you might want to think seriously about how committed she is to your union.

Besides, going it alone while still living together would be hard on you. Sabotage might even be a factor (though that would be a criminal act if she were to do that deliberately). If you can't take a few weeks break, you really should get her on board before having this surgery.

Of course, if you unilaterally go ahead with the surgery, your commitment to your union should be examined. You need to be together on all major decisions, especially ones that affect you both.

Balancing the coin on its edge: Commitment to your union requires that you BOTH talk frankly to each other about your reasons. From what you have written here you have done so and she has not. But the narrative you presented is how YOU have experienced the events. Everyone experiences events differently, of course. When you say, "I want to make love with you." She may hear, "I want to relieve my physical lusts, your feelings irrelevant." Clearing the air around such misunderstandings is essential to the continuation of your union in a happy state. Or even a mediocre state, much less an unhappy, frustrated state.

Professional counselling would certainly help. If she will not go with you, you can go alone.

If an ultimatum is something you are willing to do, here are two potential ones and a response like the one I described at the start of this post.

1) It is accepting me with an implant or rejecting me (the marriage to me) totally.

2) Go with me to a marriage counselor (or at least talk to me candidly) or prepare to dissolve the marriage.

You could accept her suggestion to end your marriage (or, at least, the conjugal part of it with allowance for you to get sexual satisfaction outside your union).

It occurred to me that she may not actually enjoy sex with you (and if she enjoys sex in general, she may be putting up with your attentions and enjoying herself by herself or with a lover, male or female).

These are all hard conversations to have without guidance from a professional who has helped other couples through similar rough patches.

[barrylandon]

I was given an ultimatum by a girlfriend once. "XXX or we break up."
My reply: "I accept."
I don't receive ultimatums well.

LS: I find it ironic that you admittedly don't respond well to ultimatums but yet suggest ultimatums that this poor guy can give to his SO! Chances are that his SO doesn't respond well to ultimatums either!

[Lost Sheep]

I was given an ultimatum by a girlfriend once. "XXX or we break up."
My reply: "I accept."
I don't receive ultimatums well.

LS: I find it ironic that you admittedly don't respond well to ultimatums but yet suggest ultimatums that this poor guy can give to his SO! Chances are that his SO doesn't respond well to ultimatums either!

Yes, indeed. Sometimes one must fight fire with fire.

I also find irony in how I respond if ever my SO responds to my question, "What's wrong?"
Her: "Nothing"
Me: "Are you sure everything is OK?"
Her: "Fine"
Me: "Oh, goo. I thought you were troubled by something that I would want to resolve. But if everything is fine, I won't change anything."

That exchange does seem to work. Last time, it only took three days for her to confess that something WAS bothering her. We then talked it out and then everything WAS fine.

[wewokarents]

Get rid of her asap. There are more caring and clever ones around. Plenty of it.

YEP!!

[beachbum]

It may have already been said. But I case my wife was against it also. Not so much that she said don't do it, but she was very unhappy when I told her that I had made arrangement to get one. Yes I got mine in hopes that it would help return our sex life after no sex for 10 years. The ED had gotten to the point that I couldn't keep an erection more than just a few seconds no matter what I or my wife would do. But unfortunately it did not. But something I found out is that the implant did a lot more than give me a hard working dick. I gave me a much better feeling about me self. I feel I'm not broke any more. Mentally I feel better. And that was/is worth going through everything getting an implant. In other words, you should be getting the implant for you first and foremost, and for other secondary. If they don't like it so be it. Just my thoughts. good luck on what ever decision you make.

[Lost Sheep]

Do you think it would have any traction with her if you related it to something tied integrally with HER self-esteem?

Women are highly sensitive to their image as presented to the world. Hair, breasts, how their clothes look on them, makeup, etc. And even their man's presentation, clothes, shoes, etc.

If you get her to think of your self esteem enabled (in secret) by your erection as comparable or analogous to how her self-esteem is enabled (in public) by her hair, perhaps she would consider your point of view.

"You feel good about yourself when your hair (nails, lipstick, dress, makeup, children, dinner, etc) is done up perfectly and awful when dinner comes up short. Well, when my "souffle" collapses, I feel just as deflated. How would you feel if every dinner you made tasted like sawdust? That is how I feel 24/7 knowing that my penis is forever soft. An implanted erection aid is no less necessary to my self-esteem than a prosthetic breast if you lost one of yours. The only difference is that my penis is private and your breasts are visible in public, but the effect on my feeling about myself is no less profound."

Getting her to open her mind to that way of thinking may be too big of an ask. But one can hope.

[irishguy]

Hey man I just told my girlfriend about this and this was her reply.

“I think his wife has just made her mind up without knowing about it properly and being a little stubborn! Like there is literally no difference to you having it than not, only thing is that you havta pump it, otherwise i never would have known.
Theyre relationship sounds like its on the rocks, she should want to support him on this once its not going to affect his health or anything!”

So you’re woman should support you and want the best for you!! This is your life your happiness your confidence. Tell her your bloody well getting it and you want her to apart of it and you need and expect support from someone who says she loves you!!

[Agfa13]

I agree with Irishguy's GF.
If you flip this issue about wife getting breast implants, and husband says all is well just the way it is, wife will come back with same argument about it being her body, her self esteem, etc., and looking to husband for support.
The 'natural' argument can go both ways, so the marriage sounds like it is on the rocks already, IMHO.

[Lost Sheep]

I agree with Irishguy's GF.
If you flip this issue about wife getting breast implants, and husband says all is well just the way it is, wife will come back with same argument about it being her body, her self esteem, etc., and looking to husband for support.
The 'natural' argument can go both ways, so the marriage sounds like it is on the rocks already, IMHO.

There are two significant differences (breast implant for disfigurment vs penile implant for dysfunction). 1) A woman's breasts are apparent for all the world to see and judge her on. A man's penis is (usually) private and not on display. 2) Women are socialized from a young age to internalize her faults. (as unfair as this is, it is largely true in Western society).

The fact that a man's private agony over erectile dysfunction is lost on most women. This is also unfair.