My Journal

[alibaba]

If you had a check sheet of your comments, I would have to say fantastic would get most of the boxes and they are the important ones. The others are a curve you and your body have to adjust to and the few simple trade-offs for the advantages you have gained. I must say from my own experience this thing is a lot less natural than everyone bragged it up to be. To do over ( so far) I would go back to the painful erection rings, pumping and trying to satisfy us as fast as possible ( less than 15 minutes) before the rings made it too painful. The only thing natural I can say about this thing is the feel of the inflated cylinders through the skin though they are not quite as slick as glass smooth now. Slightly textured. d

[merrix]

Well Alibaba, don't know about fantastic.
I do however agree with you, that either I am just a grumpy bastard with too high expectations and hard to please, or I just had bad luck with the whole thing.
Because I sure don't think it is THAT fantastic either as some (or even most) guys report here.
To me, it is as with everything else - pros and cons.
The obvious pro is to get an erection whenever one wants which lasts as long as one wants.
But that is about it.
Apart from that, I'd say everytghing else is of course worse than being natural. For sure there are some problems in daily life. It is uncomfortable in some situations.
In one way, I can say that it has made 30 minutes of my day a lot better (while having sex) and it has made the other 1410 minutes of the day slightly worse.

I cannot deny that the mental part is twofold as well. It is a great feeling knowing I can satisfy my wife anytime. On the other hand, I don't lilke the feeling of having to mechanically pump up plastic cylinders in my dick to have sex.

All in all, I look soberly on the whole thing. I don't regret anything, I am glad I did it. But again, the hallelujah chants will still have to wait.
They might come, but for that to happen I need to get to a state where I don't feel restricted in any way in any situation in daily life (the other 1410 minutes that is) and I will have to get completely ok with the feeling of having sex with a robot dick.
I am hopeful both these things will happen, but I still need a bit more time. I am only 7 weeks out and things are still improving, so I am sure I haven't seen the end result yet. Plus, there is of course the inevitable effect of getting used to things as well. Meaning even if some issues will always remain, the impact of them will diminish with time and the percieved greatness of the implant will increase.

I am happy with the progress though and I stay positive (but realistic).

[C_lab34]

Glad to hear that things are working out for you. I definitely appreciate your sober and realistic perspective, too. I think in time you will have adjusted more to the device, and you will be more comfortable in daily life. One note about how you dislike having to pump the cylinders up for sex: I can see how this would be a little depressing, and it's something I feared before I had the surgery. But I reasoned that I already had to do unnatural things just to get and keep an erection before (jerk off for a few minutes before penetration, take pills, take time off, etc), so this wouldn't really be worse, it would just be more effective.

[moetheman]

Merrix it's great to have your realistic perspective, especially as you're relatively young and close to my age. I especially appreciate the psychological aspects covered in your posts. I can completely relate to the points you make. This whole thing is pretty huge deal and is gonna take a fair bit of time adjusting to.

Physical recovery in some ways is quicker than the mental healing sometimes. I also agree the point about the robot dick. I keep imagining the first time having intercourse with the robot dick is going to be a bit uncomfortable mentally, especially when inflating in front of a partner. It's great that you have a very understanding and loving wife and even then you seem to have some concerns about the artificial nature of the implant, but I think this is more in your own mind and will take some time getting used to. Looks like you're well on your way anyway and one day we may even get a hallelujah out of you yet?

I'm glad you're still posting on FT as I was thinking you might disappear once you're back to your place in SE Asia. I do enjoy reading your updates.

[merrix]

C_lab and Moetheman,

Thanks for replies and further intereresting discussions.
Let me clarify: I am not saying that having to pump up the 'robot dick' in order to have sex is tipping it over on the negative side.
All I am trying to do is to describe the whole thing, pshysically and mentally, as detailed as I can. Not filtering, not leaving anything out, not exacerbating. Just trying tell it like I experience it.
I still say that if anyone says that there is only advantages and no disadvantages, or only positives and no negatives, they are either not telling the truth, or they have a completely different way to look at the world than I do.

In my opinion, the main advantage is of course the ability to have sex everytime you feel like it. And to have a guaranteed erection during the whole act.
This can then get a psychological spill-over effect where negative self esteem etc from the ED improves or disappear. For me, I lived with my ED for 25 years without really letting it get to me, without walking around every day feeling depressed. I don't know why I managed to stay on top of it, but I think it is partly because the way I am. I look soberly and moderately at things... Good or bad. I also think it was because of my huge luck with my life in general. I have a succesful career, a lovely, healthy family, a great social life with many very close and interesting succesful friends, and I have a rich active life where I have the time and opportunity to be active with sports which I love. And last but definitely not least, I have a fantastic marriage with a fantastic woman.
I think all this gave me a higher treshold for the ED. Had my life outside the bedroom been crap as well, I might have been harder hit.
However, the last few months before the implant, I started to feel harder hit by the ED. Don't know why, but my own theory is the sclerotherapy. It didn't improve my worst day performance - that was still a dick going limp after a few minutes of intercourse. But it surely improved my best day performance. That went from what I later realized was a 75% erection to a 100% fully rock hard erection. And that kind of made me realize, and also got it confirmed by my wife, that what I had before was actually a crappy erection barely enough to make my wife feel pleasure during sex. So after the sclerotherapy, when I could get really hard, it started to hurt more when I didn't.

Anyway, I think that since I had such a short period of feeling really bad about ED, I probably compare my state of mind now to how I felt during all those years, not to how I felt during those last 2-3 months. Which is why I probably don't experience that psychological boost of confidence, feeling like a man etc. I basically always did, with the exception of a month or two. Had I waited a few years with the implant, allowing myself during those years to sink deeper in the ED-hole, I might have been sitting here now saying this changed my whole life. But I didn't wait a few years. I took this step immediately when I started to feel (too) bad about my ED. I didn't allow it to drag me down by waiting.

So, the positives to me are really only down to being able to having sex unrestricted by ED. Which is a huge thing, but it doesn't go beyond that.

Then there are of course negatives as well.
Having to pump up the dick is of course one. How can anyone say they rather pump it up than having it rise by itself when aroused? Of course, comparing to not having it rise at all, then pumping is better.
The flaccid is another. It is huge and it is hard. This causes some discomfort and prevents me from feeling 100% healthy, strong, normal. It constantly reminds me. I hope and think this will go away with time, and it keeps getting better. But since I try to tell it like it is, I have to say that right now this is a negative.
Finally, the overall feeling of having plastic cylinders in my dick and a pump in my scrotum is of course not appealing. Again, do I prefer that to impotence? Yes. Do I like having them there? No. I would like to have a normal working dick, but I don't, I never had, and I never will. So this is better than what I had.

That's it. Positives outweighs negatives. But there is both of them. Not only positives. In my point of view, that's the case with most things in life. Even the good things in life come at a price.

[C_lab34]

Great post, Merrix. I do fully agree with you that if we are being as honest and transparent as possible, we have to admit that there are downsides to the implant. It's not perfect. Of course, in my heart, if I could just get exactly what I wanted, it would be a hard, naturally arising erection that I wouldn't have to worry about or maintain with mental tricks. But that's not reality, it was never going to happen before and it will never happen now. I have had darker moments where I let the self pity of not ever having that bring me down, but I try to overcome it as quickly as I can, and I am already better about that than I used to be. I think that, given your explanation of your mental states for much of your life prior to having the implant, I can say that my ED had a much more detrimental effect on my psyche for a much longer period of time, and so it may in some ways be easier for me to overlook some of the downsides to the implant, just because I have already felt such a tremendous sense of psychological relief. It's not just the fact of now having durable erections, it's the fact that I took the necessary steps to better myself, and I feel a kind of an improvement in self confidence to do what it takes to make my life better, which is empowering on its own, apart from the specific benefit of no longer having ED. And I'm still not in the clear as far as healing goes, I know I have a ways to go yet, but the confidence I am feeling now is very high.

Also, on one hand, I agree with you that the flaccid implant is big, bulky, and uncomfortable at times. But I have been trying to see the positive of that too, which, unfortunately, might be pure vanity, but it's this: I am carrying around a really big dick all the time now, and in a very shallow, almost comically, locker room juvenile way, it just makes me feel, well, sort of dominant or powerful. Rationally, I know that penis size doesn't make a man, and that my new extra bulky penis doesn't make up for anything I haven't yet accomplished, but in that superficial way, I have to admit I like the extra heft. I'm also a little bit of a dandy, I must admit, and I pay attention to dressing well and being tastefully fashionable. It's not the number one thing in my life, but I do have a sense for it. I mention that to say that I like to make my body work for me as a piece of art, and a bigger bulge, nothing extreme, just kind of rounds out my appearance, to me it's a good look with tighter pants, noticeable if you're looking for it, but not obscene and overly distracting. For already interested women(and men, it's cool for them too), I'm thinking it's an alluring feature. But it's not so obtrusive that it's scaring children and old ladies.

I have spent a lot of time overly focusing on the negatives aspects of myself, and while I don't want to ever be blind to reality, very soon after the procedure I felt a shift within myself, and I knew that I would spend more time on what I liked about myself and what I could do, and feeling gratitude rather than resentment. I don't say any of this to suggest that you aren't grateful yourself, Merrix. But I do think, despite out very similar history, we maybe dealt with our conditions a little differently, and that explains why we feel a little differently post op too.

[merrix]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. In my opinion, this is what we need more of. People who just like you and me together with a few others, really share detailed information.
Maybe I'm wrong, but as I remember it, there weren't much information of this kind here only a few months ago.

Anyway, as I read other posters references to my posts, the common understanding seems to be that I am unhappy with the whole thing.
Well, that is simply wrong. I am not.

I am very happy with being able to have sex whenever I want that is only restricted by mine and my partner's imagination and fitness. Not by my erection quality or durability. That's great. And in one way that's enough and the whole point of the implant.
I could have stopped my story there. And that's what quite a few people do here.
However, if that was all I said, then what would be the point of writing here?
It would be like writing a review of a car and say "It's great, now I can drive to work and don't need to take the bus".
Everyone understands you don't need the bus if you have a car. But what are pros and cons compared to other cars?
Everyone knows that an implant gives a good erection whenever wanted.
What nobody who has an implant knows is how it affects the mind, what are the drawbacks, etc.

Just because I try to paint the whole picture doesn't mean I'm not satisfied. I am.
I wouldn't want to go back to what I had.

However, I still keep claiming that nobody (or at least very few) can say they prefer their implant flaccid to their natural flaccid. Nobody can say they like, as in it gives them a positive feeling, to spend 45 seconds pumping up their dick before having sex. Nobody can say they like when their partner grabs the balls and feels the pump. Nobody can say they like the feel of the flaccid penis when they grab it to take a piss.

But does that mean I am unhappy with the implant?
No. It just means there are some inevitable downsides of an implant which we all have to accept and learn to live with in order to gain the benefit: Good sex. And in some cases a solution to psychological issues with confidence and manhood.

I think I am no different than others in terms if how happy I am with the implant. I just think I describe my feelings about it in a different way.

Finally, I know that when all my post op symtoms are 100% gone (tenderness in some situations) and when I have just gotten 100% used to some issues (e.g. larger, stiffer flaccid), I will most likely feel great.
But I wait with saying that till it has happened. For me it is no point to say 'I feel great because I know the last few remaining issues will go away'. I'd rather wait till the actually do go away and then I'll say 'I feel great'.
Till then I'll keep reporting the progress and the status on the way.

Am I happy so far? Yes.
Do I regret it? No.
Has it met my expectations so far? Yes.
Has it been a complete life changer? No. I had a great life before, and good sex is not all that matters in life. This has made me have better sex and it has meant I don't need to feel like shit a few times every month when my dick used to go limp.
Has it made my family healthier? No.
Has it made my daughter happier (which in turn makes me happier)? No.
Has it made my career better? No.
Has it raised my salary and increased the returns on my private investments? No.
Has it given me more and better friends? No.
Has it made my house bigger and nicer? No.

It has made me have better sex. And that's good. Good sex is nice, isn't it?

[merrix]

Size update:
Pre-op my length was 16-16.5 cm (6.3-6.5") and girth 14 cm (5.5").
When I started inflating at 2 weeks post op, length was 15 cm (5.9") and girth 14 cm (5.5").
A couple of weeks ago my length was up to 16 cm (6.3") and girth was down to 13.5 cm (5.3").
Girth decrease caused by all swelling disappearing.
A few days ago, I was 16.4 cm (6.45") long and girth was 14 cm (5.5"). Meaning I am now at 8 weeks back exactly where I was pre-op.
Interestingly, the size increase lately has come after I skipped the twice-per-day-30-minutes-per-session inflation protocol. Lately I have had sex a few times per week and only inflated one time per day for the other days, and only for a short time, such as during a shower.

Personally I don't notice any difference between those points in time and difference in length or girth.
My wife however, does.
I asked her at all three different occasions what she thought about the size.
When I was 15 cm long and 14 cm girth (same girth and shorter length vs pre-op) she said: No difference in neither length nor girth.
When I was 16 cm long and 13.5 cm girth (slightly shorter length and 0.5 cm smaller girth) she said: No difference in length but thinner. I thought it was crazy how she could feel a 5 mm reduced girth.
Yesterday after sex, she said spontaneously that the girth now felt like it was back to where it was pre-op.

What's the lesson learned? Well if my wife is representative for how women experience size, half an inch difference in length passes by unnoticed. But 0.5 cm (0.2") in girth is easily spotted. So again, if she is representative, you guys should stop measuring your length and start measuring your girth instead.

Speaking of girth, in a few threads there is debate on whether the reputation of Titan as providing better girth than AMS is true. I know there are some users here with AMS who claims that's not the case. One being C_lab - someone I've talked to a few times over the phone, and someone who I think has a lot of good things to say, simply because he is a smart guy.
None of us here at FT, maybe with the exception of those who have had both brands implanted in their dicks, will ever know the answer from personal experience. Simply because whatever results I get, I still don't know what would have happened with the other brand.
So I choose to trust the information out there and the logic. My doc, Eid (who may be biased since he is known to advocate Titan, and we can never know exactly why) clearly says that all his experience tells him that Titan implanted dicks on average loses less or gains more girth than AMS implanted dicks. Especially large dicks. Kramer has a video out on Youtube where the message is also that Titan provides a harder hard and potentially better girth, while the AMS provides a softer soft and hence more natural looking flaccid.
Personally, I cannot see how a larger diameter cylinder would not provide more girth than a smaller diameter cylinder. And Titan does have larger diameter. Of course, if the space in the penis cannot make room for even the AMS, then the Titan would provide no advantage, but if the penis was girthy enough to make room for the fully expanded Titan, then there would clearly be a difference in my logic. Anyway, that's a question I think we will never know the definite answer to.

Sex keeps getting better. I have noticed during the last week a difference in my sensitivity. I am still a bit desensitized compared to pre-op, but it starts to go away. The last couple of times I have felt more. Meaning more pleasure. And, as a result of that, I have also felt like my dick is harder. It isn't of course, but it feels like that.
I thought before that it was weird that even though my dick clearly is harder than pre-op, it still didn't feel that way during sex. It almost felt softer. But now, whith more sensation coming back, that is changing. It was a great feeling last night where I could really feel my rock hard dick pressing against the inside of my wife all the way in and out. And I assume it will keep getting better if more of the numbness goes away
Wife is very happy with the whole thing as well, and enjoys it as much as I do.

Asked her yesterday again after sex how it feels. And asked her to be honest for all you FT readers' sake...
Her judgement:
When touching it with hand and mouth during oral, it sure feels harder. And that is harder defined as when pressing it, or squeezing it. But it still doesn't feel unnatural, just very hard. When it comes to bending-hard, as in how hard the shaft is as measured by whether it can bent midshaft or not, she cannot really say. She never tries to bend my dick (thank god for that), but she says that it feels unbendable. But so did my best day post-sclero erection as well. My pre-sclero 'erection' was a different story though. It even bent sometimes during sex if going to far out before going back in again.
During intercourse, she does not feel any difference in the hardness compared to my best day after sclero-therapy. Big difference however to my best day pre-sclero ED semi-erection crap. It just feels as hard as any natural erection ever can. Very hard, but not to the point that it feels strange.

Regarding the famous 'hinge-effect', defined by me as in how much flexibility and bend there is in the base.
Meaning how much can the shaft flex (without the shaft itself being bent) up-down and left-right.
I have already a hard time remebering how much hinge there was in my natural erection. But I do remember for sure that when lying on my back I could easily push the shaft down to my abs. And if wife was standing on all four on the floor, I could easily 'point' the dick down if I was squatting above/behind her. Which required the penis flexing down below the 3:00 angle. So I think there was for sure some hinge even on my best day natural erection. And wife remembers my best-day hinge as normal compared to previous lovers' hinge.
What about now?
From my side, I'd say there is less hinge. I have to force it down to my abs if I lie on my back. And it flexes right back up when released. I can't really move it much left to right. Some, but only little. And there is resistance from the first centimeter. I can hang a bath towel on it and it flexes down from 2:45 to 3:00 only. So there is some hinge, but not much. However, during sex, I have felt that there is at least as much hinge as pre-op.
Wife's assessment is that when touching it with hands, during oral for example, there is clearly less hinge than pre-op (including post-sclero). She feels it is clearly less bendable at the base. During sex it is not as noticeable and easy to feel as when touching it with her hands, but still less. She does however say that any less hinge (as in if I had a broomstick going from my ass to my tip), it'd feel unnatural.
All in all, she thinks it is perfectly hard and that it would be impossible to feel it is unnatural if never touching the scrotum. Just very hard in a good and still natural way.
My glans by the way, got noticeably harder after the sclero-therapy. According to wife, it went from the softest erect glans she had ever felt to as hard as any she'd ever felt. That post-sclero glans hardness is still there according to her.

I have to say that as the sex is getting better, and actually already starting to be great, my overall satisfaction is increasing as well. It simply feels easier to accept some of the non-reversible drawbacks (larger stiffer flaccid, having to pump before sex) and to wait for the hopefully reversible post-op drawbacks (e.g. soreness after hard sex, tenderness during some daily movements) to completely disappear.
After all, there is only one advantage, which is better sex, and it has to make up for several disadvantages. And as time goes by, that is more and more the case.

I am also starting to realize and accept that 100% recovery will take much longer time than I hoped it would.
My first two weeks were a nightmare. I was basically tied to my bed. Just getting up to walk to the toilet for a piss felt like my scrotum was going to burst. There was a really bad pulsating pain. Nightmare.
Third week was as most people here describe their first week. Painful. I could go out for a short walk, but it hurted badly. I basically kept staying in bed.
According to Dr. Eid, this was due to several reasons I have explained before. In summary: Sclerotherapy reduced drain capacity, a long procedure with one implant being inserted and then removed, excessive scar tissue requiring heavy diluting all contributed to really bad bleeding and swelling.
Fourth through sixth week offered rapid improvement. I got back to work, back to life. The difference at end of week three and week 6 was enormous.
However, after those three weeks of rapid improvement, the improvement rate has slowed down. Last two weeks (7 and 8) have still shown improvement for sure. But not at the pace of weeks 4-6. In one way, I could say that I am back to a completely normal life. There is really nothing I can't do. But I do feel tenderness in some situations. Mostly when bending forward (e.g. putting on shoes) or when sitting for long time on a hard chair. But still, to me, those issues are clearly disturbing. I don't want to feel even the slightest pain or discomfort ever. I just want to feel 100% normal. And I am realizing that it will probably take a long time till I'm there. I am OK with that however, and my personal target is that by 6 months (meaning another 4 months from now) I am going to be there.

A few other thoughts:
I never hesitated for one second that I should pick the best surgeon in the world when I had my implant. That was clear from day one. I nailed it down to Eid, Kramer, Perito. Today I would have excluded Perito from the mix and gone with Eid or Kramer. And if I'd have to choose again, I'd still take Eid. Not saying that he's better than Kramer - I cannot know that - just saying that of the two, I know Eid and I know he is as good as I thought he was. There is nothing more I could have wished for.
I think we see more and more posts on FT from people having all sorts of issues with their implants, as well as posts with questions which I personally don't understand how they even can end up on FT. Dr. Eid answered all my questions via phone call or SMS within hours. During my three weeks in NY he asked me to come see him as often as I wanted. I went there 3 times per week for three weeks. Even now, 8 weeks post op, he answers my SMS or emails within the day. I would feel terrible if I had some issues with my implant, something that worried me, and I couldn't get it answered by my doctor and had to ask anonymous people on an internet forum for what is basically medical advice.

So the learning lesson according to me, is to do the implant surgery with the best possible doctor. We can all come to different results in our research of who'w the best, but pick the one you think is the best.
I know there are financial, insurance etc reasons sometimes to choose someone else. I am not American and hence don't know your medical insurance system.
But sometimes I get the feeling people are choosing a lesser (or at least a less experienced) surgeon for the wrong reasons. Like disliking travel, don't like big cities etc. We're all different, but I simply don't understand that.
Money is a different thing. I was lucky to not have to worry about that part. But I fully understand and respect that if one doesn't have the money, then one has to opt for the options financially feasible. However, I wonder how many guys have chosen a cheaper option and then within short spent the difference between the local surgeon and the best surgeon on a week of holiday or similar. If so, the money reason fails.

Friends over for dinner and drinks tonight.
Looking forward to a nice evening and a good-mood wife when time for bed...
Till next time.

[RelievedofED1]

Nice update Merrix. I would agree with all your thoughts especially about picking a good surgeon and someone who will be available to answer questions pre and postop. For any of you who haven't had the implant you need to know you will have lots of worries and questions pre and postop that can easily be answered and your nerves calmed if your surgeon is available to you. It is. Verrrrry important. As you say Merrix it is worth the travel and big city concerns and time off if money and insurance allow that choice to be on your list ie Dr Eid and Dr Kramer. And I am sure other surgeons but as Merrix says I can only 100% vouch for my surgeon and my type of implant. Thanks Merrix for sharing your progress and concerns. I suspect everyone can identify with your story if they have the T shirt (speaking of which we need one!).

[alibaba]

Very good sir.