Time to vent
Posted: Thu Dec 03, 2020 7:06 am
A dark night of the soul tonight. Can’t sleep. The (somewhat trivial) pain doesn’t help but it’s the emotional stuff that’s hitting home. I’m a week out from surgery and the pain is wearing on me as is the uncertainty — will I get an infection? Will I have chronic pain? How long to heal?
I don’t think the emotional component of this gets enough attention. I mean, we’ve traumatized THE body part that defines a guy and will have a relationship to it that will be forever — and irreversibly— changed. Just the fact that I wont be able to have a natural erection again and will be dependent on the implant is a huge thing to emotionally catch up to.
I also live alone and am recovering alone. I realized it would be hell to recover under my verbally abusive mother’s “care” so I decided to go it alone, realizing recovering alone would be less scary than with her. I don’t have any other friends/family in the area but they ARE great support over the phone. I remember coming home and feeling the pump for the first time and being utterly overwhelmed at how alien it felt. It was profound and was all too much. But it’s gotten better.
Doesn’t help that I’ve had a tumultuous year. Of course there’s COVID, but my boss had a psychotic breakdown including sending a delusional email that was upsetting to everybody. I have the utmost sympathy and respect for her struggle but we really need a leader to advocate for us in the COVID era and she isn’t it. Our college just laid off 23 faculty (!) and 22 staff. If you know anything about higher Ed, laying off faculty is nearly unheard of. No one — not even the “executive team” — fully knows what the future of the college will be. Of course I’m worried about job security.
I’ve also been a lifelong sufferer of anxiety and although I have a great psychiatrist, anxiety is at Olympic levels. I do the best I can. Some days are better than others.
And the great unknown is still out there once I’ve recovered. I have a double challenge of eventually being in my first relationship in 13 years (due to ED), and having sex again but with an implant. It WILL happen but I don’t know if it will be easy. But it may very well be. Better times ARE ahead — the COVID vaccine will be huge and I think people will want to be dating more than ever.
I guess I’m just saying this operation doesn’t happen in a vacuum — it’s happening to complex human beings in scary uncertain times, just be extra kind to yourself and I truly hope my venting has helped people reading this.
I don’t think the emotional component of this gets enough attention. I mean, we’ve traumatized THE body part that defines a guy and will have a relationship to it that will be forever — and irreversibly— changed. Just the fact that I wont be able to have a natural erection again and will be dependent on the implant is a huge thing to emotionally catch up to.
I also live alone and am recovering alone. I realized it would be hell to recover under my verbally abusive mother’s “care” so I decided to go it alone, realizing recovering alone would be less scary than with her. I don’t have any other friends/family in the area but they ARE great support over the phone. I remember coming home and feeling the pump for the first time and being utterly overwhelmed at how alien it felt. It was profound and was all too much. But it’s gotten better.
Doesn’t help that I’ve had a tumultuous year. Of course there’s COVID, but my boss had a psychotic breakdown including sending a delusional email that was upsetting to everybody. I have the utmost sympathy and respect for her struggle but we really need a leader to advocate for us in the COVID era and she isn’t it. Our college just laid off 23 faculty (!) and 22 staff. If you know anything about higher Ed, laying off faculty is nearly unheard of. No one — not even the “executive team” — fully knows what the future of the college will be. Of course I’m worried about job security.
I’ve also been a lifelong sufferer of anxiety and although I have a great psychiatrist, anxiety is at Olympic levels. I do the best I can. Some days are better than others.
And the great unknown is still out there once I’ve recovered. I have a double challenge of eventually being in my first relationship in 13 years (due to ED), and having sex again but with an implant. It WILL happen but I don’t know if it will be easy. But it may very well be. Better times ARE ahead — the COVID vaccine will be huge and I think people will want to be dating more than ever.
I guess I’m just saying this operation doesn’t happen in a vacuum — it’s happening to complex human beings in scary uncertain times, just be extra kind to yourself and I truly hope my venting has helped people reading this.
