Yet Another Journal

[NYCGay]

Three days ago, Dr. Eid’s secretary, Ruby, scheduled me to have an inflatable implant put into my penis on Tuesday May 11. That’s just thirteen days from now. She offered me other dates too, a little further into the future, but I controlled my voice and said May 11 is fine. If I’m going to do this, I might as well get it done.

After I hang up, I teared up. Not out of sorrow, not out of happiness, but out of nervousness. I’m scared, and several times since then, I’ve asked myself: What the hell are you thinking? Shouldn’t you give this some more thought? It’s been less than three months since my urologist suggested I consider getting an implant. Isn’t this decision way too rushed? But seen from another angle, it isn’t rushed at all; I’ve been dealing with this problem for over thirty years.

Background: I’m a 55-year-old gay man, living in New York, and married to a caring, handsome, muscular man I’ve been together with for nineteen years. Our marriage is committed -- and sexually open. My problems far predate my husband. I’ve had difficulties getting -- and, above all, staying -- hard at least since I became sexually active, which was rather late: I was 23 the first time I had sex with a woman. It wasn’t really my thing, so perhaps it wasn’t so surprising that I performed so badly. But a year later, I started having sex with men, and to my consternation, my performance was just as bad. (Well, almost as bad.) When I was 25, I had my nocturnal erections measured. (Two loops are put around your dick, connected to a device tied to your leg. Every minute or so through the night, the loops pull tight, measuring your circumference.) The hardons I had in my sleep were deemed to be normal, so it was concluded that my problem was psychological.

That was thirty years ago. Whether my problem back then really was psychological or not, I don’t know. Perhaps it was a combination of psychology and physiology, and to some extent, in some cases, psychology and physiology are just two different ways of looking at the same issue. In any case, Dr. Eid diagnosed me with a 20% veinous leak -- not huge, he said, but substantial; a lot larger than the normal healthy number of 0%, and certainly large enough to explain my problem.

A problem I’ve been dealing with for my whole sexually-active life. I started using injections when I was 25. When Viagra came around, I switched to that, and it worked okay (though never great) for ten years or so. Then it worked less well, so I went back to the injections. And then they worked less well too, so I upped the dose, and upped it again, and again. Lately, I’ve been using a combination of 100 mg Viagra, 1 full cc of Bimix (the syringe won’t hold more), and a tight cock ring -- and still, the result is disappointing. So my urologist thought it might be time for a more radical solution.

Many aspects of the idea are enormously appealing: not having to plan ahead, always having my equipment with me, inside my body, ready to be deployed at any time; not having to interrupt the proceedings with a hot hookup with some lame excuse, and go to the bathroom and stick a needly in my dick (which was never my idea of foreplay).

For the last year or two, I’ve been more open with sex partners about my injections. A couple of guys freaked out, but for most guys, it’s no problem; as long as it gets you hard, they don’t mind at all! But that is the problem: the injections no longer get me hard, just hardish: full and turgid, nice to look at, but if the guy hopes to be topped, I will end up disappointing. I’ll probably succeed in getting it in. But soon, I’ll slip out, and it gets more difficult to get it in again. And after a few minutes, I just want to cum and get it over with. It seems to me that it would be so much easier to tell sex partners that you’re using what might seem like an extreme measure -- whether it’s injections or an implant -- if you then could offer up the most amazing, long-lasting hardon. But telling someone that you need to inject, and then you still just get turgid ... Then what’s the point?

Before Dr. Eid injected me in his office, to measure me for the implant, he said that if I got too hard (and he knocked his knucles against a cabinet door to illustrate), he would give me an antidote. Not going to happen, I told him, and it didn’t. Afterwards, when I asked him if the implant would give me a better erection than the one I got from his injection, he scoffed: “Well, you can’t really do anything with an erection like that.” Perhaps he didn’t even deign to call it an erection, but just said “penis;” I don’t quite remember. In any case, it was clear what he recommended.


So yes, the idea is enticing. And yet, it’s scary.

So what exactly am I afraid of?

Well, I guess I’m afraid that some crazy doctor will incapacitate me with drugs and put a scalpel to my dick and slice it open and poke around inside with hard instruments and stuff it full of foreign objects and then -- oh, the absurdity of it! -- just stitch me up and send me home! Who the fuck would not be scared at such prospects? Especially as Dr. Eid said that my surgery would be “a bit of a challenge,” due to the weird shape of my dick (much thicker in the middle than in either end). Should I be worried? I asked him. No, he said, I’ve yet to encounter a penis I couldn’t fit an implant into. Well, I guess that will have to do.

The appointment has been made, and, baring new information, I will go through with it. So I figured that, in the tradition of merrix and other guys on here, I’ll start a journal.

[AussiePete]

Congratulations... I've never regretted the decision to go with an implant..
I'm looking forward to following your journey.
Pete

[Lost Sheep]

NYCGay, your sexual history is similar to mine except for the gender of your partners and haveing access to medications so early in your life.

First sex well after 20 years, early failures to maintain erections. Disappointed partners. You, t least had the option of "bottoming" whereas I had (but did not take advantage of - through ignorance mostly) of giving cunnilingus to my partners.

All that is to say that, "I hear you." In my 50s I finally got up the nerve to tell my primary care physician of my E.D. and was prescribed the various oral medications and finally was recommended for an implant (thankful I was able to bypass the injections and having tried a vacuum device with constriction rings to great failure)

Having all the "equipment" within my body is a great advantage.

Not being able to show my "appreciation" for my lover is a drawback. Seeing a penis grow in response to one's ministrations is a great positive feedback cycle. But being able to penetrate my lover and stay there is well worth the drawbacks. And not having to carry around apparatus is incredibly freeing. (Even though I never had to deal with that, I can imagine it very well.)

Good luck and bless you and your husband.

[NYCGay]

Thank you, AussiePete and LostSheep, for your comments!

Not being able to show my "appreciation" for my lover is a drawback. Seeing a penis grow in response to one's ministrations is a great positive feedback cycle.

LostSheep, I totally agree. One of the charms with erections is that they are not under voluntary control: you don’t get hard the way you flex your muscles; you get hard when you’re turned on, which doesn’t always happen when you want it to -- and sometimes happens when you wish it didn’t. And, as you say, in a sexual situation your partner gets to really see how you feel about what she or he is doing.

So when my urologist suggested I consider an implant, I didn’t just think: how wonderful to be able to get and stay hard, but also: how sad to never be able to have a spontaneous erection again. But who am I kidding? The description of how erections work in the paragraph above might have applied to me when I was fifteen, but has preciously little to do with how my dick works now. I already don’t have spontaneous erections. I have, at best, spontaneous tumescence. I don’t wake up with morning wood, only the occasional morning turgid, which then, alas, fades much too quickly.

The only spontaneous physical reaction I can offer a parter at this point is copious amounts of precum, which, for that very reason, I actually treasure. A flirtatious conversation with a handsome man will cause a large sticky spot on my underwear, and if the conversation ends with clothes coming off, he will be able to taste my arousal. I like this reaction in my body. It tells me that I really am turned on; I’m not just lying to myself and pretending to be. My body reacts to the sexual situation with physiological changes; it’s just that for me, those changes, regrettably, don’t include getting hard.

So I think I will be fine with putting my erections under voluntary control and having to pump them up by hand. As merrix has insightfully pointed out in his journal, it’s all about what you compare with. And what I will be comparing with is the situation I have now, where an erection is produced by sticking a needle in my dick. Can’t get much less spontaneous than that. And it’s not even a very good erection.

[Lost Sheep]

Thank you, AussiePete and LostSheep, for your comments!

Not being able to show my "appreciation" for my lover is a drawback. Seeing a penis grow in response to one's ministrations is a great positive feedback cycle.

LostSheep, I totally agree. One of the charms with erections is that they are not under voluntary control:
(edited for brevity)

One thing I have never had voluntary control over nor even observed in myself is that my nipples get erect when I am aroused (sometimes even when I am unaware of being aroused). This "barometer" of my response is of unending fascination and appreciation of my girlfriend. It is not a perfect substitute for an erection and certainly more subtle, but is a pretty good substitute...and nipples apparently have no refractory period. She has also observed that my testicles rise, fall, tighten and loosen with regularity, though I have never been able to pay attention to the phenomenon with my attention drawn elsewhere. But she enjoys keeping track.

[Barnowl]

Hey NYCgay
Interesting read , I’m going to be a couple weeks behind you , so it would be good to stay in touch !
Your story sounds so familiar to mine ....
been put down as psychological but even from the start 10mcg of caverject wasn’t enough
Never really experienced morning wood
The worst bit is the spontaneity, have to be 3 steps ahead of your partner
Totally agree with being nervous as hell.
Eid’s infection rate is reassuring
The idea of the implant to me is great bar the surgery
Time will tell

[NYCGay]

One thing I have never had voluntary control over nor even observed in myself is that my nipples get erect when I am aroused (sometimes even when I am unaware of being aroused). This "barometer" of my response is of unending fascination and appreciation of my girlfriend. It is not a perfect substitute for an erection and certainly more subtle, but is a pretty good substitute...and nipples apparently have no refractory period.

Agreed: stiffening nipples are not quite enough to substitute for a hard cock -- but it's a thrilling feature nonetheless. I totally get your girlfriend. I love playing with guys' aroused nipples. I'm glad to hear she's paying attention to yours.

[NYCGay]

Hey NYCgay
The idea of the implant to me is great bar the surgery

Yes, it's the surgery itself -- but also thoughts about what it will feel like having this device inside me, knowing I can't take it out. I like the feeling at the end of the day when I shed all clothing, take a final leak, and head naked to bed, my body unencumbered. Will the implant affect that feeling of being able to shed everything? That was initially one of my main fears, but I've asked several guys about it. The answers have been reassuring, mainly along the lines that once you've healed, you don't really feel anything from it, unless you go searching for the parts with your fingers.

If someone has a different experience, that is if you're constantly and physically aware of the implant in your body when not using it, then please let me know. I still have twelve days to change my mind.

[Lost Sheep]

Hey NYCgay
The idea of the implant to me is great bar the surgery

Yes, it's the surgery itself -- but also thoughts about what it will feel like having this device inside me, knowing I can't take it out. I like the feeling at the end of the day when I shed all clothing, take a final leak, and head naked to bed, my body unencumbered. Will the implant affect that feeling of being able to shed everything? That was initially one of my main fears, but I've asked several guys about it. The answers have been reassuring, mainly along the lines that once you've healed, you don't really feel anything from it, unless you go searching for the parts with your fingers.

If someone has a different experience, that is if you're constantly and physically aware of the implant in your body when not using it, then please let me know. I still have twelve days to change my mind.

NYCGay,

Usually I am completely unaware of the implant, clothed, naked or buried deep in my partner

Sometimes, particularly when I am partially inflated I am aware of a foreign object in my penis, but it is a reassuring, gladdening feeling.

If you are philosophically opposed to an artificial body part, think of it as a filling in your tooth. Once you have it, it is part of you. Once you accept it, it is.

I do not feel encumbered at all, ever. And the feeling of being (once again) empowered to have coital sex gives me the feeling of being restored and made whole again (even if it is a patched-up me).

In short, if any adaptation in your self-image is needed, you will adapt. If you have a phobia of any sort of artificiality, seek counselling. As human beings, it is our great ability to adapt to changes outside ourselves and within ourselves that make us survivors. Sometimes talking out our misgivings with another person helps us to realize that potential. I have no doubt you will happily adapt to any changes you feel.

[NYCGay]

If you are philosophically opposed to an artificial body part, think of it as a filling in your tooth.

No, no, no! I absolutely do not have any philosophical oppositions against artificial body parts, be they gold teeth, or titanium hip joints, or silicon breasts, or plastic cavernosa! I'm only concerned with how it feels. I was initially afraid that I might feel the implant all the time, and that thought bothered me. But, as I said, people have given me reassuring answers when I've asked about this. Only one guy in a Facebook group told me that it feels like the pump is always cutting into his skin. But everybody else has said pretty much what you said. Thank you for adding your voice. I really should stop worrying about this altogether.