A woman's view on how to properly measure penis size

[Xomanow]

You've all seen it, these men claiming that their cock is "long and thick" but their pictures certainly don't agree.

In my past, I had A FEW boyfriends who were truly hung, really well endowed. I'm talking about 9 to 10 inches, however, in truth, MOST MEN are simply AVERAGE -- that's the quintessential meaning of the word, and the measure of the word is 5, 6 or 7 inches.
You will not believe the way some men come up with some truly insane and inaccurate ways to measure their cocks.
Here are some facts and guidelines for measuring.
Don't cheat guys.

First, LENGTH.

Men say things like "My cock is long and thick" and that's just as true as "I can eat  pussy all night long." Give it a FUCKING REST!! The ONLY valid way to measure your dick length is to take an old-fashioned wooden school ruler, place it flat on TOP of your dick, and push it into your pelvis as far as you can, or until you draw blood. Looking down from above, where your dick ends is how long your dick is.

Read it and weep. It does not get any longer than that. If you know what "parallax error" is, then you know that this actually makes your dick measure a quarter inch longer than it really is.

Now, you uncut unlucky sons of bitches, you're a special case. Your prepuce DOES NOT COUNT for your dick length. If you're really ignorant, "prepuce" is your foreskin, the male anatomical part most commonly regarded as the most repugnant, rejectable, and disposable part of a man, besides his personality.                                                                    
Do NOT measure your prepuce as being part of your dick length. When you have your dick inside your fuck partner, your prepuce always slides back, so the only length they can feel is from your urethral opening and back. Your uncut dick is a dick and not a fin fish as defined in the Texas Parks and Wildlife Fishing and Hunting Regulations. Pinching a fin-fish's tail to make it long enough to keep is not the same as pinching your prepuce to make your dick long enough to fuck. Remember fellas, you carry a dick, you are not a game fish, so skin it before you measure it.

For length, use the school ruler method. If you are actually longer than a 12-inch ruler, you should either say "12 inches plus" or else get a God damn yardstick from the sewing store. And don't forget to call me.

Using a carpenter's tape measure does NOT count. If it did, you would be hooking the end of the tape in your ass hole and measuring your  dick that way. For those trying this at home, YOUR SICK KINK DOES NOT COUNT!!

Next, GIRTH.

Girth is a technical term that means "How big around it is." I know I've been using a lot of technical terms here. Get over it. Get a dictionary. And NO, that is NOT a book that tells you how large your penis is, except a few of you have your pictures next to words like "inflated" "exaggerated" "mendacity" and "fraud." And -- I left out "laugh able" and "miniscule."

The only accurate way to measure the girth of your dick is with a flexible tape measure, the kind you can get at the sewing or craft store or can borrow from your "gay-clothing-designer" best friend. You measure your girth by wrapping the tape measure around the AVERAGE-SIZED part of the shaft of your cock. You cannot measure the "width" of your cock, because cocks are oval-shaped in cross-section and not all proportionately equal in width by depth. Girth counts. Please don't say that your dick girth is how WIDE it is, because if your dick were that wide it would not be your penis, it would be the tail of a beaver.

And when you measure girth, wrap the tape just one time. Got that? One time. If you have one of those mushroom-headed cocks, DO NOT say your dick girth is the circumference of your mushroom head. That's a fucking lie, and you know it. If there's an inch difference between your mushroom head and its supporting structure, and if you think it matters, report both numbers separately. I've been told that some dick recipients like a big-ass dick head and a slender shaft to push it in and out. In this case, accurate reporting will get you more asses that actually want YOUR individual dick.

AVERAGE:

To give you an idea of what's "average," Six inches are considered "average." This is what we girls mostly get. Therefore, as long as the dick owner has a clue of what he's doing, it usually works. If he does not know, then dick length is totally irrelevant because he's a lousy fuck, no matter what. I don't know if women prefer larger, average, or smaller cocks but I do know that pussies can stretch a lot more than rectums, so at least in theory, a pussy can fit a huge dick better than a rectum can. Therefore your ass-pounding mileage may vary.

If your cock is shorter than average, you may have to work on having a nice personality and good sexual techniques. Whatever you do, just don't lie. We are not blind. We can see you have a tiny dick. Be a nice person and a good lover, or get used to jacking off. Jacking off ALL THE TIME.

As far as girth, do note that "average" girth is proportional to length. Work out the numbers yourself. I am not in the business of measuring thousands of dicks to determine "average" girth, or "average" girth vs. length.
But here are a couple of numbers to make you shut your mouth.

A standard 12 oz beer can (Miller, Bud, NOT Coors) is approximately 8 inches in girth. So if you claim to have a "beer can dick" you better be close to this. Also remember that a standard 12 oz beer can is only 4 3/4 inches tall / long. That means that your "beer can" dick is nearly 20% shorter than average, and too fat to use. Don't believe me? In the privacy of your own home, try wrapping your lips around a beer can.

Next measure, a toilet paper roll. The toilet paper roll is just shy of 5 1/2 inches in girth. Again, in the privacy of your own home, maybe the next time you're sitting on the toilet jacking off (that may be right now for some of you), see if you can put your dick inside the toilet paper roll. If you can, then your dick girth is LESS than 5 1/2 inches.
I won't offer any smaller standards for dick girth comparison, because some of you might get your feelings hurt.

I will finish with this -- DO NOT use a penis pump when you measure, unless you use the same penis pump every time you show your erection to another person. That should be a much greater embarrassment to you than knowing your dick isn't as big around as a beer can and you don't need a yardstick to see how long it is.

Now guys, you really need to QUIT LYING and MEASURE UP to the truth. Whether you have a big cock or a pencil dick, there are enough people in the world who want different sizes of dicks that you will have NO trouble getting ass. For those who have lied to me about how big your cock is, you are nothing but a dick with a small dick.

 

 

[shooter1000]

LMAO what a great way to start my day, laughing till the tears are running down my face. You should be doing stand up at a comedy club. And, like most good comedy, the fun part is that it is all true and accurate.

Thanks XOMANOW

[David_R]

Now, you uncut unlucky sons of bitches, you're a special case. Your prepuce DOES NOT COUNT for your dick length. If you're really ignorant, "prepuce" is your foreskin, the male anatomical part most commonly regarded as the most repugnant, rejectable, and disposable part of a man, besides his personality.

Man oh man oh man!! Where do I even start?? (But these words sound like they come from many typical Americans, btw -- at least in the past.) I suggest you start here: http://noharmm.org.

[Xomanow]

Just to be clear......I didn't write this......funny as hell though.....

[David_R]

Xomanow, if you didn't write the opening post on "A woman's view on how to properly measure penis size," why does it say "by Xomanow"? Was this some sort of technical error?

[strongagain]

Man oh man oh man!! Where do I even start?? (But these words sound like they come from many typical Americans, btw -- at least in the past.) I suggest you start here: http://noharmm.org.

Above link is real BS. I'm glad that I don't have a foreskin anymore, no woman likes sausage ends anyway.

[DaveET1]

Noharmm.org is a foreskin fetishist website that puts forth a lot of hogwash that comes across to most normal men as utter bullshit. Those few of us that have had it both ways can attest to the most enjoyable condition of being circumcised.

The "let him decide for himself when he is older" crowd are the worst, because instead of allowing the little guy to get done as a baby, they want to sentence him to the much greater pain and discomfort of adult circumcision, not to mention the peer abuse of being uncut in the school locker room. To me, that borders on child abuse. I know, because I had that sentence imposed on me.

[Xomanow]

Xomanow, if you didn't write the opening post on "A woman's view on how to properly measure penis size," why does it say "by Xomanow"? Was this some sort of technical error?

"by Xomanow" means that I initiated/originated the thread.....not necessarily it's content.....

[Lost Sheep]

Just to be clear......I didn't write this......funny as hell though.....

Please source the quote, then. It is the right thing to do, to give authorship credit andalso allows us to seek out this comedienne in the future.

Thanks for sharing

[David_R]

Noharmm.org is a foreskin fetishist website that puts forth a lot of hogwash that comes across to most normal men as utter bullshit.... The "let him decide for himself when he is older" crowd are the worst, because instead of allowing the little guy to get done as a baby, they want to sentence him to the much greater pain and discomfort of adult circumcision, not to mention the peer abuse of being uncut in the school locker room.

This topic has nothing to do with E.D., so let me end my contributions to the subject here.

1. Noharmm.org is not a "foreskin fetishist website."
2. "The peer abuse of being uncut in the school locker room" does not happen to all boys, not even here in the U.S.
Canadians, Europeans, and Australians (for example) -- males and females -- cannot understand many Americans' "foreskin phobia."

Enough said by me. Back to the topic of this site, E.D.