How the hell I am supposed to handle dating with ED?

[jfruedam]

30 years old, virgin. Recently I decided to give it a try and open some of the dating apps. I have never thought of myself as an attractive person, so it has been quite a surprise for me to get some matches. I am basically new to the world of dating, had my first kiss (very passionate one) on New Year's Eve with a date from tinder, no joking.

Although I have really enjoyed dating so far, I am getting more and more scared and honestly depressed knowing that if things escalate to sex, I am simply screwed. I have been consulting an andrologist, and currently doing some tests (Doppler, Blood, Hormones...). Thing is, a part of me knows there's something seriously wrong with me, and kinda know an implant might be my only option. I know a lot has been written here about having an implant and dating (trust me I have read it), but goddamit is it hard. How am I supposed to cope?

FYI, as much as sex sounds fascinating and fantastic to me, I am not really looking for one night stands, just forming a relationship with someone I can connect with whom having sex is just the natural step forward.

I recently met someone, 34, gorgeous, and I honestly think I am falling for her. But I don't know what to do. Maybe I should just quit the dating scene until I can find a solution to these issue, but at the same time, I want to keep seeing her. When I get an implant I know I will have to tell her, and that scares the hell out of me as well.

Sorry, I know it seems there's a new post of this kind every day but I just felt the need to vent to someone who could understand what is going through my head, because honestly I think I might go crazy.

[Bushpig]

Very hard situation you are in there mate. I've been down that road before when i was your age and let so many opportunities go by because of fear.
I ended up marrying the wrong woman who was not supportive at all and my E.D got worse.
She then dumped me and i went onto Pills and Injections which worked for a while but then became hit and miss. Now very happy with an implant.
You may want to go for the Pills then Injections before going for an implant simply because with the right supportive partner you may only need that.
I went for an implant because after a couple of years of Injecting it became more of a hit and miss so that also leads to fear of failure.

[LeRoastBeef]

To be honest I have given up dating until I get an implant. I know it's just going to be failure to date with Ed. I don't mean to bring you down with that, I'm not looking for a pity party and am quite hopeful for the future, tough though it will be.

It's probably better to get myself sorted out first and then worry about dating. That's my feeling on it. We'll get there in time.

[WhiteCane]

I told the story 1 million times on the site… Maybe even to you in a p.m.? I can’t hear the names of the original posters almost ever… anyway, I was really really sick in my 20s… Had to be home at a certain time every night to make sure I can get hooked up to the only thing saving my body through a port in my stomach… i’m also blind and was in a wheelchair at the time… of course, when somethings wrong with your body, your man parts are usually the first thing to go… so, I’m at this wedding… This beautiful sounding girl walks up to me… she introduces herself and asks if I’d like anything to eat… Being in a wheelchair, this is a normal situation so I excepted her help with much thanks… She brought me food and then sat down beside of me and we began to talk about life in general… anyway, the night went on, the laughs became pretty frequent between us… I asked if she wanted to dance… And she again laughed and I told her to sit on my lap and began rocking the wheelchair back-and-forth on the dance floor LOL... so, we exchange numbers and I called her the next day and said I couldn’t wait to see her again… I kind of told her on a second date when she was getting ready to go further about my issue… I told her it was OK to chuckle but not to be too harsh… She didn’t laugh at all… She said we can make things work, that’s not my concern at all… so, here we are, five years later… she has a PhD, I’m working on School to become a physician “I’m sure you can tell by my blind people phones excellent punctuation skills“… we are at a point where we want to have kid's. Back in October, I was implanted to make this happen… it’s definitely added to our sex life… I cannot deny that! What I can say though is that women are so much more appreciative of a man he’s going to spend time with them and listen to every word they say then a guy who is constantly dogging for sex… we made it work for a very very long time without penetrative sex… Learn how to use those fingers and that tongue, my friend! They definitely help… It really is not that big a deal breaker to most women… The only other advice I can give is don’t wait until you are literally in bed to tell her… Discuss this over dinner… Definitely, do this in person but be really cool and really mature about it… I’m only two years older than you, my friend… I understand how frightening this can be… I’m pulling for you bud!

[LeRoastBeef]

Respect WhiteCane, respect.

You're tough...and bright! A physician! Good lad! Keep going!

[Skier123]

Here's my 3 1/2 cents:

In my opinion:

1. You need to come up with a plan to address your ED ... up to and including implant if that is what's really needed. Your plan may take a month, three months, 6 months, whatever ... but you need to get a plan and work the plan.

2. Then I would suggest you try actually "dating" in the old-fashioned sense of the word. (I am absolutely amazed at how fast you young people jump into sex these days - even before "dating" now ... WTF?). In your case this is both a strategy and practical advice - you don't want to jump in the sack with someone you actually like right away only to fail in bed ... that will probably not advance the relationship.

3. Try actually dating this person, if shes into that ... saying something along the lines of you are tired of short -term flings that haven't worked out, and you really are looking for a LTR and so you want to take your time and get to know her before jumping into bed (imagine that).

4. If SHE tries to progress things to a sexual level, you can tell her you are in the process of getting some "plumbing problems" fixed - and that your doctor's are 99% certain they have a plan to get everything working "down there" in a short period of time. Tell her you are really into her but that you just need to be a little patient for a couple more _______ (days/weeks/months) until you get the OK from your Uroligist to go forth and multiply.

5. Then get back to work on item #1. Now. Today. Immediately.

For what it's worth ...

[Txagq8]

I’m kind of Skier’s camp in terms of opinion. Let me give you a “what if?”.

How would you handle dating if you didn’t know you had ED ?

45 years ago I was a college freshman and while I had managed some anatomy lessons by Braille in the back seat of a car with high school girlfriends, I had not progressed past that point.

I had ED due to VL, big time. Had no idea. Didn’t find out for another 10+ years. If the only erect penises you see or touch are your own, then whatever they do is normal. No internet, very little porn.....none of this was discussed on ABC, CBS, NBC, or PBS which was about all there was for TV.

Early on, the idea of actually having sex enabled my arterial flow to kick ass on the venous leakage and I orgasmed before I lost my erection.

As time went on, and I noticed my erections not lasting long enough, I made sure I engaged in plenty of oral and manual before penetration. If you’ve satisfied your partner beforehand, then losing your erection is not a big problem. It is possible to fake an orgasm if you’re male, too.

That brings up an old joke: how does a Sailor fake orgasm? He spits on a Marine’s back. But I digress.

If you are looking to date to find a woman who might be your soul mate, sex might be in the checklist but it’s nowhere near the top.

If it were me, I would date as if I had no physical issues whatsoever. That’s what I did in the olden days, mainly because I was blissfully ignorant. If it looks like the relationship is headed for the utmost in physical intimacy, then tell the whole truth as you know it.

Two people who truly love one another aren’t going to let a little sexual dysfunction spoil an otherwise great relationship. If you’ve found the right partner she is going to become your partner and ally in overcoming the medical issues.

In a way, it’s a good thing men and women want different things from sex. Women adore the closeness, intimacy, caressing and being caressed. Men want to penetrate, subdue, and get their rocks off. This subtle difference (lol) is one reason a guy with ED can still populate and succeed in the dating pool.

Bottom line: don’t stop trying to get whatever is physically challenging you fixed, but don’t give up on dating in the meantime.

My wife of 33 years, when faced with a bad evening when neither shots nor pills did any good, would shrug her shoulders and say “to hell with it, it’s not your fault the plumbing doesn’t always work.” We’ve had plenty of good experiences, plenty of mediocre experiences, and some spectacularly bad ones. I wouldn’t trade a minute of any of them for life with a twelve inch cock of steel and a bevy of nubile porn goddesses.

You can’t stop trying to get fixed, and you can’t stop trying to find the right woman. They aren’t mutually exclusive activities.

[jfruedam]

I think this post deserves and update from my part. Remember the 34 years gal I mentioned? So, basically there was a conversation about past relationships and stuff, and I told her I had never had a girlfriend before. Of course that peaked her curiosity and she followed with a question I expected: Are you a virgin? I am not ashamed of telling that, so I told her. It was then that a part of me knew that would be a good time to tell her about the whole situation. I told her that there is something wrong with me down there that I am currently seeking treatment for, and that and implant might be the best solution for me. Strangely she wasn't that interested in knowing what an implant is, she just was genuinely concerned about my health. I asked her if after knowing what she know nows she could still see herself dating me. She told me that she didn't care, that intimacy for her wasn't limited to penetration and that there were other ways we could have fun. She said that whatever surgery I need I should go forward with it but not thinking about anyone, to be better with myself. I am honestly surprised she was so understanding of everything.

Did I just find a gem of a woman, or is it that I don't give enough credit to them in general? I keep asking myself if I had the same conversation with 10 women what would be the outcome of it...

On the bad side I thought doing it would make feel free of some weight, but somehow I just feel equally or more frustrated than before. Like, this is not fair, I shouldn't have to be telling someone I care about something so heavy, no one should. I know now I have to keep digging and taking the test the andrologist ordered, one step at the time, but the wait for whatever the final outcome of this hell might be is being unbearable.

[Lost Sheep]

Short answer: Don't wait to date.

Don't shy away from approaching a woman just because your penis cannot perform. Women are incredibly supportive, understanding and eager to help if they feel trusted, respected and SAFE.

I went on a dating site and was up front about my impotence. I found several willing to help me, knowing I was incapable of "normal" sex when I advertised for a "lab partner" to help me.

[irishguy]

This is a very subjective topic.. for once I don’t agree with the older guys. And then again it might work for you.. my first question is have you tried everything? Pills, muse, injections, ved etc?? What is you plan to address your Ed? So from my own experience I thought I found a great girl and started going out with her told her all about my ed and she even helped me by setting up a hypnotherapy session to see if was in my head.. anyways fast forward 6 months on we break up coz she can’t handle the no sex as she was a very sexual person and made my ed even worse, as I thought I found the great girl that would understand and she did understand for the first couple months... as the months went on she became far more flirty while drinking with other guys and eventually it got too much for me... so also to add insult to injury she told a good few people about my erection problems which got back to me she did it more out of talking than been malicious... so this set me back a lot. Then I got back on the horse again and started dating this other girl and she was a very horny girl and on the second date we went back to my house and of course I couldn’t do anything next thing I pretended I had a headache and it was obvious what happened.. next thing I was hearing from our mutual friend that set us up that she thought I was gay coz I couldn’t get it up... now admittedly this’ll ear incidents were when I was early 20’s and they were too but if I was you man I’d get my self sorted first. I know it’s great to have someone to be with and share your life but again depends your personality my way would be get my ass sorted first then go on the dating trail.