Having massive performance anxiety with my wife

[DiceInTheMirror]

So for some context, I'm 27 years old and have had two sexual partners. First one I was with for four years and our relationship ended in 2018. We had sex maybe once a month but it was pretty unfulfilling. I jerked off a lot and often had no desire to initiate in sexy things with her. That was basically that.

Now, I'm with my wife who I've been with long-distance since late 2018 and we moved in together in August 2019. We have sex at least once a day and it feels euphoric with her.... when everything goes well. However, not long into our time living together (maybe 2-3 weeks?) I started getting performance anxiety after she freaked out on me one day about not giving her boobs enough attention. Her complaint was valid but from that point forward, I've developed severe performance anxiety that stems from my fear of not being able to perform and then triggering a breakdown in her (she herself has severe anxiety and body image issues). I can go a few days at a time and perform perfectly fine but then I'll go through episodes of 2-5 days where I get an erection when we start sexy time but then I panic whenever I know I'm about to get inside of her and lose it nearly instantly whenever it's time to penetrate her. The last two days have been especially bad and last night specifically, she freaked out after we had been trying for about 3 hours and started hitting and biting herself. Once I get to that point, I don't even feel horny anymore so then I have to fight through that as well as my anxiety that already feels so debilitating. It feels like the longer this goes on, the worse my anxiety gets whenever I'm going through an episode. Things can feel so perfect when we're having good, normal sex but then I get these episodes and it feels fucking shitty, plus my wife starts having breakdowns and I just feel even worse.

I feel like I can't escape this. I acknowledge that there's something severely wrong with me at this point to be hampering my performance so badly and I overthink so even though I'm PRETTY sure it's just from fear/anxiety/nervousness/panic, I also start to think that maybe there's something physically wrong with my dick. I can't have sex because when we're getting intimate and I'm supposed to be enjoying it and indulging in it, I'm just thinking about losing the boner that I have or my wife freaking out. It's taking a huge toll on my home life and I'm miserable so much of the time now, and I feel like I already depend so much on happiness and a good mood in order to have normal sex anyways.

Does anyone have any experience with situations like this? I set up an appointment with a therapist for next Friday because I think I'm beyond the point of being able to *just* handle it myself. I feel like there are very serious worries and anxieties buried in my head that are preventing me from being able to use my dick normally.

[Lost Sheep]

Until your last paragraph, I was all set to recommend a therapist (I was leaning towards Couples Therapy). But you are already seeking professional guidance to navigate a clearly tricky path to happiness.

So, sex is great when it works? Define "when it works", please. Sex is multi-purpose. Bonding (defined in many religious texts, including the Judeo-Christian Bible). Mutual pleasure. Procreation, obviously. Note that penetration and orgasm for either partner is NOT essential for sex to be good, nor do the first two purposes I cited require even an erection.

Look up popular definitions of "Tantric Sex". It might throw some ideas your way about the importance of PLEASURING over the (less-) important orgasming or penetration. It may require a change in orientation of your (both of your) ideas about sex, but remember, "Making love" is more than coitus.

The advice "don't beat yourself up" over perceived failure applies to you and perhaps even more to your wife (who is quite literally beating herself up - and biting, too...your wife has, I think, more performance anxiety than you!).

Lack of penetration or lack of orgasm IS NOT A FAILURE! Not in the sense of a successful relationship, anyway. Penetration and orgasm are the gravy, but mutual pleasuring, respect and relationship is the meat. Communication is how that stew is prepared.

COMMUNICATION is key.

[Lost Sheep]

Short suggestion:

Make a pact that you two will pleasure each other as much as you can WITHOUT attempting genital to genital contact. Take the stress of expectations off the table.

Use hands, mouth, toys...massage with or without oils, music, soft lights, reading suggestive poetry aloud to one another etc.

Just have NO expectation at all, of orgasm or even pleasure. Just an experiment to see what happens. (Not unlike the first chemist who added water to salt just to see what happened.)

Take notes and report your findings. (If not here, at least to each other.)

Life is a journey. A grand experiment.

[DiceInTheMirror]

Wow, your replies are so helpful, thank you for your time!!!!

So when I say "when it works," I mean getting an erection and then being able to penetrate her with it and have normal sex while staying hard until I cum. The alternative is when I'm panicking and lose my erection as soon as I move to penetrate her. I think my wife's conventional idea of sex (and she isn't satisfied with anything else) is penetrating her with my penis and having sex until I cum. Any time I suffer from the anxiety, she can make me hard again by performing oral sex and it would definitely make me cum but she refuses to do that because she wants to know that I can just get hard from my attraction to her and stimulation like oral sex would be an easy way out.

I'm interested in trying the other methods you mentioned, especially the non-genital stimulation but I dunno if she'll go for it... Only one way to find out though.

Thank you so much!

[Flavio]

I battled sexual performance anxiety for many years and one of my techniques was this: whenever I failed to perform, I used to stop all sexual activity for a long period of time (1 week, 2 weeks, 1 month...) and focus on other aspects of my relationship. This allowed me to relax, clear my mind and break the vicious cycle of performance anxiety (self-fulfilling prophecy).

[Flavio]

when I'm panicking and lose my erection as soon as I move to penetrate her.

It's called coital anxiety. It was my problem, too.

[notaes]

Hey Buddy!

Just want to say I think your on the right track seeing a therapist. Wish you all the best. Hang in there.

[BJohn67y]

So why not stop by a nice Asian massage parlor and get some experience getting off. Life is too short to be distracted by frau.

[Lost Sheep]

Wow, your replies are so helpful, thank you for your time!!!!

So when I say "when it works," I mean getting an erection and then being able to penetrate her with it and have normal sex while staying hard until I cum. The alternative is when I'm panicking and lose my erection as soon as I move to penetrate her. I think my wife's conventional idea of sex (and she isn't satisfied with anything else) is penetrating her with my penis and having sex until I cum. Any time I suffer from the anxiety, she can make me hard again by performing oral sex and it would definitely make me cum but she refuses to do that because she wants to know that I can just get hard from my attraction to her and stimulation like oral sex would be an easy way out.

I'm interested in trying the other methods you mentioned, especially the non-genital stimulation but I dunno if she'll go for it... Only one way to find out though.

Thank you so much!

Start at either end of her body. Neck rub and work your way down her back or foot rub (if she is wearing pants, get them off - wash her feet first then follow up with warm oil - VERY sensual) and work your way up. By the time you get to her inner thighs, she will probably have her objections to further progress, even to cunnilingus softened somewhat. Once a woman has experienced a gentle tongue, she is likely to want it again.

(Even if she calls a halt, just the physical touching releases endorphins in both of you that have a good chance of mitigating the physical difficulties. So, if she gets uncomfortable, back off and try again some other time. By all means, though, talk to her about it. And, by "talk to her", I mean LISTEN. Don't press against resistance.)

But, better than such "stealth" methods is to level with her about 1) your attraction to her is genuine and strong and 2) your erections do not always obey your emotions as they are a physical effect and affected by a LOT more than your love for her.

Some women get their self-image from being able to produce an erection in their man. Such women so afflicted simply need to understand the link between erection and affection is not as tight as that. Just as her ability to orgasm or even to get wet is not a 100% accurate reflection of her affection for you. Sometimes she might get wet without you and sometimes she will not even with you. The physical - emotional linkage is not all that close.

Physical problems can reduce the emotions ability to show up in the body. Also, stress, distraction, illness etc can prevent erection/orgasm/wetness in her or him regardless of state of the heart.

[Greg1956]

It seems to me that your anxiety is the result of your wife. It sounded like you were fine and your dick worked well until her freak out episodes and then you began doubting yourself. I hope she will go to counseling with you. If you go alone and tell your therapist you have these issues, I think it may be a losing battle if you still come home to more freaking out.

Couples need to build each other up so I think you could imitate it. Maybe if she sees what you are doing for her she will feel obliged to help you, too. Ask her what she wants so you can do it rather than having her break down for things like you not paying enough attention to her boobs. Open communication is a two way street and she needs to help you feel good about yourself, too. Does she worship your dick like she wants you to do with her breasts? Talk to her about your feelings.

Wishing you all the best.