The beginning (2010):
I had lost a really good job that I was proud of and had to settle for a lesser job because the economy was in the tank and I was fortunate to get the one I did. I’m an IT generalist btw, I can do a little of everything. I also have severe ADHD and you’ll see it pretty clearly as I jump around the story and confuse the hell out of you. Anyway, where was I? Oh ya, cocktail of misery. Lost the job and a chunk of my self esteem, I gained about 20 pounds and erection issues began. It was all or nothing. Either totally fine erection or nothing. I shrugged it off to the belly fat I’d put on. But it persisted and I started looking for answers. I had endless blood tests that pointed to low T, low vitamin D , vitamin B and thyroid issues. Each of which had a symptom list that seemed to be the root of my issues. I went after low T first. The initial results were very promising. I was getting more erections and more importantly my libido was back. I hadn’t actually realized it was an issue, but my wife certainly did. Hmmm, I’ll do a section on her later. I did and still do the testopel pellets placed subdermally every 3 months. The erection honeymoon didn’t last long, but the increased T helped in a lot of other ways, but mainly libido. This was not my silver bullet. It must be my thyroid! Nope, thyroid nor vitamin deficiencies improved things. With the weight gain came sleep apnea. I was exhausted by 4 pm, couldn’t keep my eyes open. My memory was worse than usual started on CPAP at this time as well. Great. I’m suddenly needing a pill organizer and I have to wear this awful mask to sleep. The CPAP did nothing for my ED, but it was a life changer. Got my energy back and my short term memory recovered. As for the ED, I had modest success with pills, but I couldn’t handle the side effects. Brutal back pain and congestion that made me unable to use the CPAP.
Depression (2010-2017)
Over the next 7 years or so my erections and my self esteem disappeared. Where I was once BMOC, loved going out and being around people I became more and more withdrawn. This was very gradual, but one by one I was closing off friends that I’ve had for decades. At my core, my greatest strength is problem solving. But this problem was getting the better of me. Did the depression cause the ED or did the ED cause the depression? Was it a chemical imbalance or the weight that I’ve put on? Was it all of them? The weight was also adding to my low self esteem and I do not wear the weight well. It’s all in my belly and my face puffed up. Where I once liked the guy I saw in the mirror now I am ugly person. I’m having a hard time with the next couple of sentences and trying not to sound like a douche, but I’m not sure it’s possible. I was pretty good looking in college and beyond. Tall, very athletic build and no shortage of attention from women. It was a large part of my self esteem. As I said above, I do not wear the weight well and my hair is thinning and receding. I went from feeling very confident in my looks to really feeling downright ugly. You would think I have some great motivation to lose weight. I can possibly repair my ED, get some self esteem back, lose the CPAP machine and possibly extend my life. My father passed at 61 from a heart attack. I’m built just like him with all the weight in my belly. I couldn’t do it. I tried and tried, but just couldn’t sustain the effort. At this point I had totally lost myself. I was never lazy and unmotivated in my life. I was now and I basically felt nothing. So ya, major depression. I checked myself into voluntary stay clinic for a month. I learned a lot and it helped some, but not really. I was feeling pretty hopeless. I can’t believe I almost forgot. One of the last times we had penetrative sex with a semi, it broke. Peyronies on top of everything else. Now even if I managed to find that silver bullet and get hard, I was so badly hinged that it would have been really difficult. This is why injections were never really an option.
Breaking point (2017-2020)
The next 2 years were abject hell. I lost my job, my sister died from brain cancer at this point erections were a distant memory.
—— breaking news!!! I finally pooped after surgery. Omg. It hurt so good.
Now back to our regular programming.
My relationship with my wife was awful and my kids no better. I was miserable and miserable to be around. I literally had nothing to live for in my mind. Suicide became my pervasive thought. I really wanted to cease to exist. I was a total failure as a man. The primary reason I didn’t ever go through with it was because of my kids. I had done extensive reading on the impact to children with a parent who committed suicide . I lost my father to a heart attack when
I was 21 and it was devastating to me, this would outright destroy them and I couldn’t do that to them. My kids are a dream. Intelligent, kind with big hearts. Not a selfish bone between the 3 of them. And yes, all damn good looking heh. I was incredibly close to ending things on 2 occasions. I had my plans all laid out, but then I’d see their faces. Obviously I never went through with it. Before I get to the last year I have to bring up the most important piece to this puzzle
The wife
As I mentioned earlier I had a great time in my 20s with the ladies. Most relationships lasted 3 to 9 months with lots of filler in between. I was never a cheater though, serial monogamy was more my style. I also never for a second considered settling down or even live with a girl. Then I met her. Everything went out the window. We moved in together after only dating for 3 months. Absurd by my standards. We were engaged a year later and married approximately 2 years after we met. When I say the first 14 or 15 years were total bliss. It was bliss. I was crazy in love with her and I believe her in me. We had a very active sex life up until the ED. Mostly very very vanilla, but we both were pretty vanilla. My wife is of the school of ignoring problems and hope they go away. We never talked about the ED. She is very kind, but had never been the overly compassionate type. She grew up hard. Very hard and was independent at a very young age with no family support. We goose stepped around things, but without any intimacy the relationship soured badly. When I was out of work, she never said a thing. Never nagged me or harped on me. This was her idea of support. Just ignore it. Then I became paranoid. She had to be cheating right? I mean, it has been 3 years of basically nothing. So we fought a lot. We had tried counseling once, but it really looked like we were headed for divorce. Most likely once the oldest 2 graduated HS next year. I can’t believe she hadn’t kicked me out tbh. Truth is, she really did love me. I don’t know how, but she did and she didn’t want to give up on me. She’s an amazing woman. She’s tiny and was fairly quiet when we met, but with motherhood and maturity she is a fierce woman. Oh ya, and hot as hell to. She looks incredible for a woman in her 30s, except she is closing in on 50. That also didn’t help with my fears of cheating. She draws a lot of attention from men. She also had a very high libido which complicated things in obvious ways. I’m
Fuck this is long as shit. I’ve never written or talked about any of this with anyone. Ok, I’m going to jump back to me and the past year before wrapping things up.
The Implant decision
So about a year ago I started teasing the idea of an implant. Momentum slowly started to build and then I found FrankTalk. I became obsessed reading everything I could and then finally I got the balls to bring it up to the wife. I printed out the fantastic in depth guide by Tangerine that I’m sure everyone here has read, the guide to becoming a bionic male. Anyway, she read it. It took her a few days to process it and then we talked about it. She was on board. This little kernel of hope was suddenly lit inside me. Slowly my demeanor improved and I started trying really hard to be the person I once was. Then I pulled the trigger and had my zoom call with Dr Eid in February or so. Now I was really on board. I needed medical clearance, but ran into a snag with some previously unknown kidney issue that needed to be resolved before I could proceed. With covid, it was torture trying to get appointments. There are some highs and lows going on, but then the wife and I had our biggest fight. I overheard her telling a friend about my operation. I had her swear up and down that she wouldn’t tell a soul. I assumed she’d tell her sister and I was ok with that, but this was a person in our town. You tell one person in town and the entire town knows. There is no way this person could keep this juicy story a secret. I was devastate and enraged. For the first time in our marriage, I packed a bag and left. This was a very dark 2 days, but I did a lot of thinking and so did she. I reluctantly agreed to meet her for lunch and we talked and talked and talked. At this point at we both has nothing to lose and really barred our souls. The main topic being sex. As I said, my wife has a high libido, but very vanilla and absolutely does not like to talk about it. We finally had a discussion that I think most couples dealing with ED have fairly early on. We talked about other things we could do. Almost 10 years and we never had this discussion. Crazy right? A big part of it she was raised that masturbation is a bad thing. She did it of course, but felt guilty after. Nor a religious thing btw, just some early shaming.
Well, we both jumped in head first. Bought tons of toys and generally being creative. It’s been truly awesome and we haven’t been able to keep our hands off each other. Basically it’s been a daily occurrence for the past 3 or 4 months. Of course our relationship improved dramatically. I can’t recall the last time I felt this happy. My relationship with my kids has improved. I’m starting to gain confidence and I haven’t even had the surgery yet. Just the thought of the surgery gave me great hope.
Pre-op Appointment
The way the scheduling worked out I came to NYC for the day to have the preop procedures done 2 weeks before my surgery date. Sitting in the waiting room prior to meeting Dr Eid I had an internal melt down. I started to second guess the permanence of this. I got flushed and felt like I was going to puke. What am I doing? This is frigging crazy. I’m essentially going to have my penis replaced. Fuck it, I’ll eat the 2 grand cancellation fee. I really need to give weight loss a shot before I do this. I’m about to call the wife to tell her and I get called in to see the Dr. The thoughts of canceling the procedure stayed in the waiting room and I never looked back. I met with the Dr. and he patiently explained all the stuff I had already read 274 times. Now the part I was most worried about. Sizing. I’m fairly average in size (6” pre-pyronies and 5.5 post), but considering my body size I always considered myself on the small side. He measured me and said I would be between a 20 and 22cm Titan. I of course asked him to do whatever he could to make the 22 happen.
Now, one of the things I’m most looking forward to with the prosthetic is having a larger flaccid cock. I am the definition of a grower. I literally have a baby penis in the flaccid state. Even the Dr said, wow, you really are a grower. 
This was torture for me always trying to find a way to not undress around other guys. Being a lifelong athlete this was not easy. Talking to him after the surgery he said he was able to use the 22cm (internal celebration) debating about adding another cm while he was operating but decided against it. I wanted to scream wtf man, but I trust he did the right thing. Tbh, In my experience length isn’t as big of a deal as girth and I love the fact that the Titan might increase mine and I was always happy with what I had. Surgery weekend
Mostly pretty uneventful, but as the wife and I fooled around for the last time with my flaccid lump one thought crept into my head. Feedback. As I’m fingerling her and feeling her get extra wet and turning me on more it hits me. Feedback. Is the lack of feedback going to be an issue for her? I’m sure it will, but the trade off for an energizer bunny cock has to be worth it. She hasn’t said it, but I think she very excited about that part. She likes to go and go and go. I’m going to wake up some night and she will have pumped me up and going to town. At least I hope she will. Anyway, got up at the crack of 5am and hobbled across the street to the hospital and waited. Not an ounce of concern, fear or worry that I was doing the wrong thing. It felt right. I was worried of course about infection, having to use a much smaller device than we talked about or him getting in there and seeing some damage he’s never seen before and couldn’t do the implant etc. but overall pretty calm. Woke up felt good. It was painful, but overall I anticipated the next day being a nightmare. It really wasn’t. We lied around the hotel room and played cards with the wife and a lot of Netflix, but no chill. That would have to wait. Next morning we hopped in the car and I’ve been home. Little to no pain at this point, not even taking Motrin. Last night did suck ass for other reasons. Uncontrollable hiccups and crazy itching. Just miserable. So, I am really looking forward to taking this catheter out tomorrow. I’m a little worried about seeing my cock for the first time, but also a little excited to pump this sucker up!!
This was crazy long and I thank you if you managed to stick it out this long. If nothing else, this was very therapeutic for me writing this out.
Cheers!
Maxx
