At a Pivotal Crossroads - Some Merrix-Style No-BS Advice Desperately Sought

[defiant]

This will be a lengthy post. So a huge thank you to anyone who reads its entirety in advance.

I'm going to be 38 at the end of this month. I've been experiencing ED since my early 20s. And whilst I would say I'm one of the luckiest people on Earth, I would - by the same token - say that I am one of the unluckiest.

It all probably started to creep into my mind after a night out during my university days. You know the drill, out drinking with the boys, bring a girl home and shag. Except this time I couldn't perform. She didn't react well. I can't remember exactly what was said but it wasn't nice. Ever since that time, I've been an 'observer' of my erectile function. I am an OCD personality type, hyper focused on certain things.

Over the next few years, I was still able to have sex but masturbation was making me realise that it just wouldn't stay hard for as long as it used to and thus begun this vicious cycle of 'worry/expect bad erection, get bad erection, belief reinforced' and so on.

At 26, I became very ill and started having seizures. After months of trying to get to the bottom of it, I eventually was admitted to hospital and a brain biopsy revealed I had lymphoma. I had to have several cycles of high-dose chemo, finished off with an auto stem cell transplant.

At the end of the treatment, my medical team asked me if anything else was bothering me. I said yes, my erections are getting worse. They said that I'd just been through hell, that it was to be expected. But I knew this pre-dated the lymphoma. They referred me to Urology who did the Doppler US. I remember it being cold, clinical and weird - some dude scanning my Johnson. I barely got 25% hard from the injection. I was diagnosed with a 'minor venous leak'. This made it 'real' for me. I was shocked. After all, the treatments for VL are limited as we know.

They prescribed Cialis and off I went. They also told me that really the only treatment for this was ultimately an implant. But for the time being I was doing okay. I took the Cialis and tried it with my then girlfriend (someone I should have stayed with but hey, hindsight's 20/20 right). It worked amazingly well. Too well.

I went off to uni again a few months later to train to be a nurse. I wanted to give back. But I kind of went crazy, psychologically. I wanted freedom and essentially to fuck around. And so I did. The Cialis was incredible, my best memory being fucking a girl 6 times in as many hours. And so years passed. eventually taking me to my 30s. But by now, I was critically dependent on Cialis and masturbation (always unaided by pills) was worse by the year (staying hard for barely a few seconds w/o stimulation).

I had girlfriends over this time but there were further damaging occasions to my psyche such as the first time sex occurred between myself and my Greek ex where I just had no pill in me and couldn't perform. 'This has never happened to me', she said. Ouch. Next time, I took pills, it was fine. Home run. Again. This happened again in Barcelona with an Argentine girl. She wanted it. We got to fooling around. No pills (idiot! I didn't expect she'd want it so soon) and another failure to launch. This is not mentioning the number of women I've said no to or passed up on purely because I was either 'unprepared' or scared.

And this pattern has essentially continued to the present day.

But. throughout those years, unhappy with the initial diagnosis, I sought out several further Andrologists, all of whom bar one did the Doppler test, all of which came back 'normal'. Dr Ralph was the only one to see the flawed nature of the Doppler in its diagnostic capability and ordered a Night Time Rigidity Test or NPT. I had 5 erections over the night, all normal strength. So, I was told, I'm normal. What I have is a real short-circuit between brain and dick - an epic case of performance anxiety and a body that is so used and conditioned to believing there is a problem so, hey presto, problem!

Fast forward to present day.

For the past 3 years I've been with a girl who I thought was my saviour. We were very much in love and I've never felt so treasured or safe. With her, I was actually able to wean off Cialis and have albeit quite conservative sex with her daily. But 4 months ago, after having bought us a house in which to start our family, I found her cheating on me at her workplace. This has floored me. As if having cancer, losing my father young, and all the tragedies I've neglected to mention in between weren't enough, now this.

I'm signed off work. Seeing a shrink. Doing CBT. Trying everything! I've been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and severe anxiety and I'm in a mental state like no other - absolutely dreading the idea of trying with another woman, sure in the knowledge I'll never be able to perform again, barely able to masturbate.

I'm in the worst headspace I've ever been. It's only now I realise what ED has done to me. Truly.

It has dictated almost every major decision. My ex I speak of? I wouldn't have got with her if I were 'normal'. It was settling. I wanted to break up but I felt trapped by my condition. I cannot chase the women I want to. I cannot act the way I want to. I cannot engage sex without varying levels of anxiety. I'm at a point now where I just can't envision trying ever again, such is the depth of my depression but more so anxiety when it comes to sex. Masturbation is mostly a no-go. I'm stuck and I'm not getting any younger. I want to have a family one day.

Yes I was able to make some headway in my last relationship but I am tired of this. I'm tired of pills. I'm tired of the lack of certainty in my own ability. I'm tired of ED and making endless adjustments for it. I never wake with morning wood. I do feel them in my sleep however butt the moment I become aware of them, I lose them. And so it will most likely be with any woman I try with henceforth. I have tried injections and whilst the response wasn't perfect I can see how higher doses would most likely work. But I'm not about that lifestyle, not at my age.

I have profound psychogenic ED. And it has ruined my life. It dominates my thoughts 24/7. And I am simply fed up of the precipitating heart-attacks any time I engage in any kind of sex. But it's so bad now, just the notion of even trying scares me. Just being around a hot woman gives me increased anxiety. It's really fucked up, I know.

Physical vs Psychological - I've always hated the comparison. Yes of course there are very important differences but really a truly, even if it's psychological, is that not in essence physical anyway? It is such a mind-body process and it is chemical messages being fired based upon external stimuli or perceived threat that govern our erections. And I feel I'm at a point where I could really just benefit from the 'sure thing' effect of an implant.

I mean hell, if I'm like this at 38, what am I gonna be like at 48. I look back to 28 and man, I am a lot worse off now, function-wise.

I'm having really bad thoughts, guys. I think it's the new meds. I don't know. I'd never do the unthinkable. My poor old mum does not deserve that!

But I'm in a real tight spot, the worst it's ever been for me and trust me, that's saying something. I'm a good looking dude with a lot to offer and I want to have a happy life just like the next guy. I want the wife of my dreams and children. But this is preventing me from having the confidence to even get out and try, hell, to even talk to a girl.

If you've come this far, bravo! And thank you, you're a legend.

I could really use some no-BS advice.

Thank you!

[abhishek26]

What are you waiting for then? Go ahead and schedule the implant.

PS: I had conducted a poll here in FT in the implants sub-forum. You can check out the impressive results here (viewtopic.php?f=6&t=18184)

[defiant]

What are you waiting for then? Go ahead and schedule the implant.

If only it were so simple. I have natural function. But I don't think my mind will ever allow me to get back to a point whereby it's healthy or secure enough to even want sex, let alone try.

It's such a nuanced situation.

[abhishek26]

I completely feel you. It sucks to know (especially at our young age) that we have the 100% potential to function well all naturally, but at certain points in life decisions need to be made or else we will remain blocked, whether that be by physical or mental barriers. If it helps you make any decision, to my first comment I’ve posted a link to an implant poll that I conducted with our FT members earlier (viewtopic.php?f=6&t=18184)

[tomas1]

My no bullshit advice would be to get the implant.

I do believe there is sometimes a psychological component to ED, and I experienced that when using pills.
One time, I bought Levitra in Mexico and found out they were counterfeit.
They were probably the same as the brand name stuff, but they completely failed to work on me.

Injections worked fine for me, but not like some have experienced.
I would get hard, have sex, then lose the erection. After a bit it would return for more if my wife was in the mood.
I think there was a psychological component in play there also.

Eventually, with ever increasing strengths and amounts of the injectables, they failed to work on me.

You obviously have no problem getting women and I think the implant will find a good home.

Good luck, and I did read your entire, well written post.

[defiant]

Yes I saw that. Very encouraging results, indeed.

One must be mindful always though that what might be a good result for let's say, an older gentleman who is married 40+ years and has just come through prostate cancer, might not be a good result for a younger chap like myself.

I have a nice dick lol. I think anyway. I've had lots of compliments on it. It's girthy as anything. Average length just over 5'" which is more than enough in my book. And while these points are moot if you can't even get it up or sustain it, it would be nice to maintain as much of that as possible.

I think it's mainly the many, many, many comments and testimonials I've read that pertain to psychology - the absence of anxiety, no more 'what if I can't get it up', the confidence of knowing you can have sex with anyone, anywhere, anyhow, for as long as you want. That is sheer power.

The downsides are not to be underestimated though; the potential for poor surgery (I would only go to the best), lack of glans engorgement, floppy head, having to pump and losing that natural reaction, the need for revisions of which, if I lived a long life, there would be at least 3 probably, all of which would need to be paid for out of pocket. I wouldn't trust the NHS on this one.

So you can see, there is a lot to have internal conflict over for someone in my very unique set of circumstances.

But yes, I truly am...stuck.

[defiant]

My no bullshit advice would be to get the implant.

I do believe there is sometimes a psychological component to ED, and I experienced that when using pills.
One time, I bought Levitra in Mexico and found out they were counterfeit.
They were probably the same as the brand name stuff, but they completely failed to work on me.

Injections worked fine for me, but not like some have experienced.
I would get hard, have sex, then lose the erection. After a bit it would return for more if my wife was in the mood.
I think there was a psychological component in play there also.

Eventually, with ever increasing strengths and amounts of the injectables, they failed to work on me.

You obviously have no problem getting women and I think the implant will find a good home.

Good luck, and I did read your entire, well written post.

Thanks Tomas.

I appreciate your time stopping by.

I would argue psychology is part of every erection process and as a notion or topic or factor, whatever you want to classify it as, it is drastically underrepresented as a cause for ED or at the very least, a perpetuating factor.

Erections start in the mind. And if, like me, you have an absolute disconnect or indeed aversion to sex because you're simply afraid, then good luck to you getting and staying hard!

That's the spot I'm in right now. It's simply....hell.

[rjdoan]

What are you waiting for then? Go ahead and schedule the implant.

If only it were so simple. I have natural function. But I don't think my mind will ever allow me to get back to a point whereby it's healthy or secure enough to even want sex, let alone try.

It's such a nuanced situation.

I am going to be very direct, since you asked for it.

It really is not all that nuanced. You have, as I see it and I am not a doctor, two choices: fix your head or have surgery and fix your equipment. The implant option has nearly a 100 percent success rate. I have been implanted now 10 months and wonder why I waited so long and allowed my ED to control my life. Personally, my thought is get the implant, overall its faster and much more of a sure thing.

[defiant]

What are you waiting for then? Go ahead and schedule the implant.

If only it were so simple. I have natural function. But I don't think my mind will ever allow me to get back to a point whereby it's healthy or secure enough to even want sex, let alone try.

It's such a nuanced situation.

I am going to be very direct, since you asked for it.

It really is not all that nuanced. You have, as I see it and I am not a doctor, two choices: fix your head or have surgery and fix your equipment. The implant option has nearly a 100 percent success rate. I have been implanted now 10 months and wonder why I waited so long and allowed my ED to control my life. Personally, my thought is get the implant, overall its faster and much more of a sure thing.

Thank you, Bob.

I think that you're right. There are many implications to my getting an implant but I believe the positives really do outweigh the potential negatives or downsides as one might describe them.

As for fixing the mind, the vast majority of why my mind is like this is the ongoing onslaught of ED-brain; the constant black cloud that follows you around saying 'there's another hot girl you can't do' or 'good luck getting hard later' etc etc etc.

Psychiatry and psychology, CBT, all that, it can only go so far. Ultimately we need to deal with the set of circumstances that are causing the depression/anxiety and in this case, that means eliminating ED.

I just can't believe it's come to this, you know.

[rjdoan]

If only it were so simple. I have natural function. But I don't think my mind will ever allow me to get back to a point whereby it's healthy or secure enough to even want sex, let alone try.

It's such a nuanced situation.

I am going to be very direct, since you asked for it.

It really is not all that nuanced. You have, as I see it and I am not a doctor, two choices: fix your head or have surgery and fix your equipment. The implant option has nearly a 100 percent success rate. I have been implanted now 10 months and wonder why I waited so long and allowed my ED to control my life. Personally, my thought is get the implant, overall its faster and much more of a sure thing.

Thank you, Bob.

I think that you're right. There are many implications to my getting an implant but I believe the positives really do outweigh the potential negatives or downsides as one might describe them.

As for fixing the mind, the vast majority of why my mind is like this is the ongoing onslaught of ED-brain; the constant black cloud that follows you around saying 'there's another hot girl you can do' or 'good luck getting hard later' etc etc etc.

Psychiatry and psychology, CBT, all that, it can only go so far. Ultimately we need to deal with the set of circumstances that are causing the depression/anxiety and in this case, that means eliminating ED.

I just can't believe it's come to this, you know.

I know it is a decision that is not made without trepidation--but from what you just wrote it seems that you fully grasp what is at stake: you future happiness. Whatever you decide, there are a lot of guys here to help and support you.