Desperate for answers . . .

[Cbrrider600]

I'm in need of some serious guidance, and have noticed that there are others on this forum who are experiencing or have been through similar problems. I'm new to this sort of thing (opening up to strangers) but appreciated some of the feedback you all have been providing to others, and figured I have no other option then to seek help. . Here is my story:

I'm 39 years old and been married to a wonderful woman for the past 10 years. She's beautiful, smart, sexy, funny and most of all understanding. . Although, for the past couple of weeks I have been experiencing a bad case of performance anxiety to which I can't get out of . . It is ruining my life and my thoughts are dragging me down a rabbit hole I can't seem to dig out of. . This is not the first time with her, as it did happen a handful of times over the years but nothing I couldn't shake off and forget about . . Then it rears its ugly head (no pun intended) but now it's the worse its ever been.. I've had it before in my late teens and early 20's but those were somewhat flukes to say the least. . I love this woman with all my heart, and she is totally understanding and tries to comfort me and tell me it happens to a lot or guys . . I respect her so much for saying these things but I know it must hurt her to feel like she can't get her man excited enough to have sex. . I'm so baffled that even when she's trying to pleasure me down there, it seems as though she's working extra hard but my focus is so much on getting an erection that my mind is somewhere else and my body starts to get so hot and flustered that I eventually tell her to stop. I'm so embarrassed that now I try to avoid even trying to pursue her in bed, for the fear of letting her down again.. I'm really good at going down on her and she loves it, but when I get up from that to penetrate, I'm no where near ready. I used to be rock hard and she didn't even have to touch me but now I can't even get it to go anywhere. I'm afraid that my marriage is falling apart since I know that sex is a vital part and I don't want to lose our intimacy because we always were so horny for each other but recently my little guy is not functioning the way he should..

i went to see a urologist 2 months ago even prior to my issue now, and the ultrasound showed I have some varicose veins on my testicles, and I've always had some high blood pressure for a while. Not sure what is causing my issues.. I'm so psychologically messed up that I would think about this 24/7 and it's getting worse. I have another doc appointment in 3 weeks and not sure if I should ask for some meds like viagra. I'm afraid to take those and always felt like I'm too young for that, and was embarrassed to think of myself needing that kind of help but now Im not certain.

We've been trying to get pregnant for the past year or so but to no avail. I've had my semen analysis done in October of this year and it all seems fine . Her doc said she is ok too. . I do want to mention that I'm currently 3 months sober. . I was in the hospital for alcoholism and I won the battle with her help . She was with my me by my side always. . I adore her but I'm afraid she will lose interest in me for not performing.. I did notice that she sees how upset I get when I'm unable to get an erection so she feels as though she doesn't want us to try for fear of upsetting me .

I used to smoke weed too, but gave that up.as well. I noticed that when I used to drink I was so much hornier and had only a handful of erection problems in the past but that's maybe cuz I was too drunk to perform. . But now I don't have that excuse and can't for the life of me figure out what is happening. In my heart I want to ravage her so badly, but for some reason just thr thought of us trying to do something terrifies me and all I can do is think negative. I'm always so hard on myself that I beat myself up so much that I feel like I'm mentally ruining not only me, but my marriage as well. .

I'm trying not to leave anything out but I have no where else to turn. I'm desperate for answers and I'm not sure if I have performance anxiety or erectile dysfunction. . She is not a fan of those drugs for ED, but what choice do I have. . I was thinking I should just take them ans not say anything to her but I don't want to lie to my beloved wife . But I also don't want her to think I need those to be turned on by her . . She's gorgeous and I didn't need anything before but for some stupid reason, now I'm having these mental, psychological or bodily issues that I'm losing sleep over and it's driving me insane. . I want to please her but don't know what else I can do.

Any suggestions would be great. I appreciate the time guys !!! Thanks

[Txagq8]

I think you ought to be commended for sharing your story with us, especially the things that don’t reflect positively. I want to congratulate you on staying sober and getting off weed. Neither booze nor dope are of real benefit to your health.

I’m not a doctor, I only have fragments of your history, but it sure sounds like you have plenty of performance anxiety. The desire for a pregnancy makes it worse. My wife and I tried for over a year with no luck, I got to the point I could go for two hours and never orgasm, it was bad. Then I got orders for a duty station change (I was in Army) and we decided we had better wait to have a baby. Less than a month later she was pregnant (with twins as it turned out). Stress,trying too hard, is the worst thing ever for sexual performance. Worrying about the relationship is also really bad.

You’ve got some high blood pressure. Are you on meds? A lot of the drugs used to treat blood pressure can cause ED. High blood pressure itself can result in enough vascular changes to cause ED. But here’s the real deal: a lot more guys have ED than anyone would ever imagine. It’s not an issue of masculinity, weakness, or psychological illness. There may be a psychological component-the chain of events that has to occur for an erection is susceptible to stress and worry and anxiety. Mix a little physical cause with anxiety and the result is quite often bad ass ED.

You’ve seen a urologist. Good idea. Get ready for him to be your best friend. Not really,but you’re likely to see him quite a bit. Do NOT attempt to self medicate. Let a doctor treat this. He Will almost certainly try oral meds first. If they work,take them.Chances are good that they will do the trick. Once your brain knows that the ED is under control with a simple pill, the anxiety associated with sex should dissipate.

Tell the truth about the meds: I saw a doctor. He prescribed these. The problem was from blood pressure, most likely. Nothing at all to do with desire and everything to do with a real physical cause. ED meds won’t give you an erection, they fix it to where you can have one.

If pills aren’t the solution there are other treatments. You start out with the simplest fix that works. Based on what you told us I am thinking oral medication will do the trick.

I understand telling a guy not to worry is pointless, but try not to worry too much. It isn’t helpful. I will also add that sometimes ED is not a diagnosis,it’s a symptom. So it’s important to let a real doctor evaluate and treat you. You don’t need to try to self diagnose and buy meds online.

Good luck. You do the right stuff, this problem gets resolve before it gets any worse.

[Cozpgh]

Many of us can relate to this kind of performance anxiety. I get incredibly frustrated on the nights I'm focused more on the state of my erection than pleasing the woman I love. Thankfully, despite her being 17 years younger than me, she's super understanding and we've adapted various work arounds with our sex such as kink and roleplaying which helps get me out of my head a bit. But, as you can see from my signature, I've been on oral ED medications since my mid 20s. Don't be afraid of them. Cut a 100mg pill into quarters and start out at just 25mg. Chances are, at least in the beginning, you'll feel a bit of a facial flush, stuffy nose, and some mild indigestion but the side effects are generally mild and I'm suspecting you'll experience a good result. Just having the medication in your system might ease your anxiety enough to perform. The main thing is to understand that you're not alone in this and many of us have been there. You know the more you're thinking about it, the worst it'll be, but you can't stop yourself from thinking about it and it's frustrating as hell. Often an oral medication, or eventually an injection, is enough to pull you through all of that. Or at least break the cycle if you have some great sex after a succession of failed attempts.

[Old Guy]

Glad you found FT. It's a great community of guys who will listen and reply with suggestions.
Although I was older, it was kind of the same experience between me and my wife. Although we were done having kids.
ED hit me in my mid-50's. Suddenly I started failing to maintain through the act. We have always been an intimate couple since we met 20 years prior. Now it became frustrating for both of us and depressing for me. Finally braved up enough to ask my doctor (a female) about Viagra. That worked really well, for a while. The issue was when to take one? Asking the wife was kind of like planning the act, not a good mood setting. Took one once to come to bed to a sleeping wife, crap because it worked good. Then it started causing migraines the morning after, plus now it was failing to get me a full erection. Increased dose, worse headaches, still some failures. That was kind of like going into ED again, depressing.
Found a doc who did injections. It was a scary thought sticking a needle in my penis, but what a great reaction. I used Trimix for several years with an auto-injector. But what a hassle to get in bed, get hot and horny, then have to jump out to go inject. Kill the mood, huh? Then injections began to fail. Increased my dose so high it caused my penis to ache the next day. When I got moved up to Quadmix it was good again for a short while before failures began. Talk about depressed, tried every drug man has available and still failures. With a younger wife you can't even begin to believe all the thoughts going through my mind. Would I ever be able to satisfy her again? Would she seek satisfaction elsewhere?
That's when it was time to visit the implant doc. After my implant I got my confidence back. Knowing we can be intimate any time we want. A few seconds to inflate and it's go time. No more drugs you don't know what other issue it might cause.
Good Luck with whatever direction you decide to travel.

[Spontaneous1]

Txagq, that was an excellent response you gave, kudos. This community has some very fine, and caring members!

[Cbrrider600]

Thank you all for the feedback. It's really frustrating but to be able to express my feelings and thoughts without ridicule is truly amazing. . I will try to answer from the feedback.

I'm not on any blood pressure medication and never have been. I take my daily vitamins and fish oils. I know there was a mention to not get meds, but recently tried L-arginine with Pycnogenol out of desperation since my appointment is so far off with the doctor, but haven't noticed anything since it's only been about couple days and we haven't tried sex yet. . I also just purchased some others like L-citruline, horny goat weed and yohimbine. Haven't taken those yet and don't intend to OD on all at once. I know better. Wanted to try them differently to see the results . Not sure but heard some good things from the reviews, but I'm sure it may be a myth but I want to try anything at this point.

Yes I want to be super honest with her about the meds, but I thought in my mind I don't need that stuff . I don't want to admit I have ED but I honestly thought it was just sexual performance anxiety. Not sure If it is one in the same . I want her to feel like it's just all me , but I feel wrong lying to her . But I also wanted to keep it all to myself and my little secret and make her think that I am back to being the same stud I used to be. . I can't seem to get out of this rut, but I feel like we're becoming somewhat distant when it comes to sex now. . Not sure if she's waiting for me to initiate, but I'm so nervous and all I can think about is "WHY ISNT HE HARD". Which makes it a recipe for disaster. I want to feel inside her again and my heart truly yearns for it but my head is thinking otherwise . It's a battle I'm losing every minute . She tells me that she's ok with not having sex when it does happen, but I'm not stupid . Every human had needs . She's just saying it to comfort me .

I honestly haven't jerked off in a while since I read that may also be the reason when watching porn. She's ok with me putting it on while she goes down on me but I focus so much on what she's doing that I can't even focus on the porn and be relaxed.

The hardest thing for me now is to keep thinking I'm not good enough anymore and it's making me crazy where I refuse to touch myself anymore out of anger, and it's getting bad that I don't want to touch her sexually for fear that she may be thinking "WHY IS HE EVEN TRYING THIS IF ITS NOT EVEN GONNA GET HARD". . these are the nasty thoughts I have in my head now and it's something I cannot escape from. It's never been this bad and I even get embarrassed when we see a couple on TV making love. It makes me feel super inadequate.

I've never tried viagra or anything but I'm so desperate to save my sexuality in my marriage . I know she's understanding now, but how long will that last. . I don't even want to think about implants or surgery or anything. Let alone pills. I feel like I'm too young for that and it's honestly all in my head. I've always been a pessimistic person, and when I think negative about something, it transpires into real life. . I know the saying MIND OVER MATTER, but it's difficult in that moment . I tried touching her in bed 2 nights ago and she said she was tired . . I feel like this will only get worse that's why I don't want to wait the 3 weeks . .

Do I keep trying to have sex, at least I can say that I'm at least attempting it . I don't want her to think I'm not into her anymore because of my negative thought process , but I don't want to go down on her to get her riled up for nothing and not be able to penetrate. This is why I'm trying some form of meds.

I want to go back to the old me but it's seems impossible now with every passing day were not having sex. I know she really loves me and tells me all the time but I also know that sex is a very important part of a relationship let alone a marriage. I used to be able to penetrate her without any foreplay or touching as soon as she shows me her ovulation tests are positive for sex, but now when she shows me I tremble in fear .. already worrying about sex later on. .

I'm so depressed now too and feeling so lonely.. I have a great job where I work from home, and I have a loving family. So thus is really the only problem that has transpired as of late. . I don't know what to do anymore but I do know that I want to have hard-core sex again with her and make both of us feel Amazing. . Thank you all for listening.

[tomas1]

I think you got very good advice already, but I also think you have to try oral meds asap.

Granted there's a mental aspect to ED at times, but why did it just crop up?

I think your wife will understand, but it really is your decision to make imo.

[solvingadream]

I've had good luck with Now Brand Citrulline/Arginine capsules (Amazon). Two in the A.M. with breakfast and two about an hour or two before date night. And yes, I would get on daily Cialis and back it up with 50mg Viagra (both are generic). If that doesn't work, there is room to go higher with the Viagra to 100mg. Yohimbine works OK, but it makes my heart race a bit. I used the Primaforce brand from Amazon.

Lots of guys here in the same boat, no shame in that. If you have a good lady, do anything you can to get back going. Stay upbeat and keep your head up. I started having ED issues in my 30's. Fast forward, now I'm 64 and doing direct tri-mix shots. They work and I'm still plugging away!

[Martin6469]

Good advice from all. I'll add my 2 cents' worth for Cbrrider600 by saying that in my young days, when I had no ED, my erection would usually disappear while I was licking a clit. Very annoying to me and my partners; they wanted to be penetrated soon after their orgasms - four or five minutes was too long to wait! One woman said, "Why can't you guys stay hard while licking me?" I said, "You mean other guys have this problem too?" She said annoyingly and emphatically, "YES!"

And you're not too young for Viagra or Cialis! The generics are quite cheap.