Giving up on erections but not on life or women

[TwoStep]

Background: 30 years old, ED after I injured myself 10 years ago. Used viagra the last 10 years.

After a recent perusal of the literature it seems there are significant risks associated with viagra, and in any case the side effects are bothersome and the efficacy somewhat unsatisfactory. The last few months I’ve been using injections and researching implants, but I’m not satisfied with the long-term risk profile of either. I have also been getting my hopes up about an experimental surgery before waking up to the reality that a cure for ED is unlikely ever to be developed.

I have never been one to care much about my own physical satisfaction, so my only concern is whether I can satisfy my partner. I have been able to do this with intercourse during my 10 years of viagra use, but in the back of my mind has always been the nagging awareness that the warmth and love from my partner (different women over the years) was conditional on my use of a performance enhancing drug which I may not be able to continue using down the line.

I now plan to find someone who will love me for who/what I am, not what I am with an enhancement that gives me headaches whenever I see her. I plan to find a smart, sweet, and beautiful woman to date without using pills, needles, or implants. I still have a high sex drive and plan to find alternative ways to get naughty with her without an erection. Eventually I may swallow my pride enough that I feel confident using a strap-on dildo on her. A VED and constriction rings would fit the bill but unfortunately it doesn’t work for me (corpora contract too strongly and won’t inflate under the vacuum, sounds crazy but it’s true).

In the past I’ve believed it was impossible to find a woman who’d be able to accept the absence of PIV sex, partly because of other impotent men reporting about unhappy wives and infidelity, etc. But I’m becoming more open to the idea that people have different individual priorities, and that lack of PIV is a deal breaker for some but not all women. I’m also becoming more open to the idea that people are willing and able to make adjustments and compromises, and I think there’s a real possibility that a strap-on can satisfy the fantasy of PIV.

And if I find such a woman and it eventually doesn’t work out, whether because of my ED or for other reasons, then I’ll repeat the process and find someone else.

[Alan810]

TwoStep: I'm not an expert, but I would think it would help if you looked for a woman past child bearing age. Many in this category are more interested in companionship than sex. This is also evidenced by some of the postings on other topics on this site. You might need to look fifteen or twenty years older than you. Older women can be much more understanding - but not in all cases.

[Martin6469]

TwoStep: I like your philosophy expressed in your subject. I think you're on the right track.

Trimix gives me a good erection but my penis is too small to give my wife any interest, so we play with large dildoes first, and she masturbates to a nice orgasm as I encourage her to imagine that she's being done by a vigorous young guy. I'm not a bystander while she rubs her clit - I hold both her and the dildo in her. She likes the idea that we do this together. Then I do her while she thinks of the grocery list or something. This has worked well for 30 years; we're both pleased and happy.

An FT friend advised me to try a big strap-on, but I haven't done that yet. Maybe soon.

Lost Sheep has posted some good advice about finding women sympathetic to ED situations. He says they're out there.

[Lost Sheep]

I have never been one to care much about my own physical satisfaction, so my only concern is whether I can satisfy my partner.

I always felt that way about my partner. In fact I often though how it would be if I could make a trade: I would be able to stay erect for as long as it takes to give my partner orgasms, but never have another orgasm myself, forever.. Glad that I never had to find out if I would regret that Faustian bargain.

I now plan to find someone who will love me for who/what I am,

I hear you and feel your frustration with pills, VEDs and the prospect of injecting.

Yes, women who love a man enough to overlook coitus (PIV sex) for alternate sexual satisfactions do exist.

I have been "let go" by women who wanted more than I could give them, too.

I will testify about one woman who loved me enough to never make an issue of my semi-soft and short-lived erections.

She did enjoy sex with me and having orgasms. I learned to use my tonge and hands to give them to her. Usually, when she was all charged up, she would tell me to get our favorite toy which could give her a satisfying feeling of fullness.

Alas, I lost her to my own dissatisfaction. My inability to "rise" to the occasion led to me ignoring her emotional needs and ultimately, her physical needs as well. I won't say I was jealous of the dildo but I became withdrawn over my inability to perform. That was the beginning of the end.

So, this post is both encouragement to you on your chosen solution and a caution to be at peace with your choice and your penis' choice.

I have posted many times that women make love to the MAN, not the penis. But it is also true that women derive a lot of satisfaction from getting filled with semen (there is even a Medical Journal study on that) and from feeling like they have authored her man's erection (which injections and implants do not provide unless the man is a good actor and sleight-of-hand artist).

Anyhow, a good relationship is not a smooth pasture. There are bumps and divots. High (good) and low (not so good) spots and it is the overall relationship that determines the couples' happiness.

Lastly, I will relate a post I found on a dating site by a woman requesting that ONLY men with ED need apply. She reasoned that such men were likely to be more skilled in alternate ways to satisfy a woman than some stud who relies only on his dick. I do not think she was a troll. I never met her because I was intent on a relationship that included penile action.

Good luck

[Benjohn]

Hi twostep,

What longterm side effects are you experiencing?

Thanks, Ben

[Al_info92]

after jelquing have you ever managed to get 100% erection again without pills?

[Flavio]

[...] But I’m becoming more open to the idea that people have different individual priorities, and that lack of PIV is a deal breaker for some but not all women. [...]

Yes, you are absolutely right.

I am 45 y.o. and sex has become less important with age. It used to be an obsession for me, now it's not even a priority. And I'm happy to have found a partner who's equally not so interested in sex.

[AllHailTed]

Background: 30 years old, ED after I injured myself 10 years ago. Used viagra the last 10 years.

After a recent perusal of the literature it seems there are significant risks associated with viagra, and in any case the side effects are bothersome and the efficacy somewhat unsatisfactory. The last few months I’ve been using injections and researching implants, but I’m not satisfied with the long-term risk profile of either. I have also been getting my hopes up about an experimental surgery before waking up to the reality that a cure for ED is unlikely ever to be developed.

I have never been one to care much about my own physical satisfaction, so my only concern is whether I can satisfy my partner. I have been able to do this with intercourse during my 10 years of viagra use, but in the back of my mind has always been the nagging awareness that the warmth and love from my partner (different women over the years) was conditional on my use of a performance enhancing drug which I may not be able to continue using down the line.

I now plan to find someone who will love me for who/what I am, not what I am with an enhancement that gives me headaches whenever I see her. I plan to find a smart, sweet, and beautiful woman to date without using pills, needles, or implants. I still have a high sex drive and plan to find alternative ways to get naughty with her without an erection. Eventually I may swallow my pride enough that I feel confident using a strap-on dildo on her. A VED and constriction rings would fit the bill but unfortunately it doesn’t work for me (corpora contract too strongly and won’t inflate under the vacuum, sounds crazy but it’s true).

In the past I’ve believed it was impossible to find a woman who’d be able to accept the absence of PIV sex, partly because of other impotent men reporting about unhappy wives and infidelity, etc. But I’m becoming more open to the idea that people have different individual priorities, and that lack of PIV is a deal breaker for some but not all women. I’m also becoming more open to the idea that people are willing and able to make adjustments and compromises, and I think there’s a real possibility that a strap-on can satisfy the fantasy of PIV.

And if I find such a woman and it eventually doesn’t work out, whether because of my ED or for other reasons, then I’ll repeat the process and find someone else.

On the one hand I understand where you're coming from - I've struggled with ED myself for 10 years now, which has had a huge emotional toll on me considering how young I was when it first started. Sex has become something I associate with frustration, anguish and a feeling of abnormality/other-ness (I am working with a therapist to try and address these).

That said it sounds to me like you're giving up too easily. You say you aren't happy with the long term risks of an implant - but if you're un-implanted and already willing to throw in the towel and give up on erections completely, what do you have to lose by getting an implant?