Feelings of shame about ED and limited arousal methods

[fiatman]

This might sound odd but I know anything goes in this group. Its a long story but have developed shame and guilt about my ED. I know I am not the only one hear that may feel that too. I've tried pills although the daily 5 mg Cialis offers about half hardness, shots don't work and just cant accustomed to using a pump. I have had a pump for about 2 years and have used it a few times to see what might happen. I have never used it with my wife present. I'm ashamed and intimidated. In fact, sterility and orchiectomy along with ED make me that way. I love performing oral on my wife and I know she loves it. She wants to reciprocate and I feel bad about it. We know that intercourse just wont happen. She has dryness issues and has trouble with lubes. It seems the only thing I can do is in essence masturbate as she is performing oral. It bothers me and lose interest in it. Sorry for tmi. Any thoughts on shame or sexual shame?

[1969CevyC10]

I really feel badly for you, but honestly I don't know if you should be feeling shame or guilt about your ED.
ED is a fact of life, it happens often and it happens to many of us, but the causes of ED have nothing
to do with shame or guilt. The causes of ED are natural, they are part of life, they are going to happen.
I don't know to you should be feeling shame or guilt about a force of nature that you have no control over.
I would suggest speaking with a professional mental health person and a qualified Urologist, I think both
people would give you understanding about your issues and I think both people could help you overcome
your issues. ED has gone on for many many years and it will continue to go on, but with everything that
is available now to help with ED I think you have some good options if you wish to pursue them. I guess
the bottom line is it's up to you to help yourself, if you so desire. Just my opinion, dont mean nothin

[Lost Sheep]

Nothing you can do about fertility, but you should be able to get erections (I think) with testosterone replacement therapy (TRT). Is there some contraindication that rules that out fo ryou?

Shame is an internally generated emotion. You do not have to have it. Counselling would help get you the perspective and tools to deal with it.

Using a VED for therapy has been shown to keep penile tissues elastic, healthy and to preserve size. There are a couple of protocols to do that. 30 minutes a day (or twice a day) is easy enough to do and will keep your size if you want to consider an implant.

I can vouch for the boost in ego that being able to have the weight of an erect penis standing out in front of me (whether it is produced by my own blood pressure or an implant)> I don't know why it should, but it does. But I never felt shame over not being able to penetrate a lover. I felt bad for them, but never shame. ED was beyond my control and no fault of mine (or yours) and I made sure my lovers (cunnilingus, manual stimulation, a.k.a. "tongue and toys") had as many orgasms as I could help them have.

Women tend to respond positively to a man who does not shy away from limitations or failings, but who confronts them and takes steps to deal with them. Proactivity is a turn-on. Do it.

Does my pep talk help?

[Flavio]

We've all been there before but ED is nothing to be ashamed of, it's a medical condition like any other.

The problem with ED: it is a multifactorial condition and you need to determine the exact cause of your problem before trying any treatment. Only a doctor can help you with this, self medication is always a risk.

[Mazzio]

Nowadays ED is much better understood problem than a few decades ago. When I realized that I have a venous leak there was no "ED". There was impotence.

Some people have diabetes, some have heart problems and so on. ED is just one health issue. The good thing is that today there is medicine and other ways to handle it. When I found out that I have erection problem there was nothing. No pills,no injections, nothing. Doctors did not understood ED at all.

[Martin6469]

fiatman: Some FT guys, including me, combine injections with Cialis or Viagra. I can't get an erection with just one of these. But you have to be very careful to start with much less Trimix or Quadmix, to preclude priapism. And make sure your testosterone is in the normal range; that's the third item I can't do without.

[sogwap]

You say cialis 5 mg gets half hardness. That a pretty low dose. For me 20 mg Cialis, barely worked. Have you tried Viagra I found it gave a much stronger erection. Taken an hour before sex on an empty stomach. You mentioned shots, are you referring to Trimix, or Testosterone shots? Trimix works about 80% of the time when oral meds do not work.
As far a VED (penis pump), I have used one on occasion, but like you never with my wife. I could get an erection but it never held.
Currently I'm using Trimix, I think it works well, One other thing that I found that works for some men is a decent fitting cock ring.

I get the feelings of shame. It can really eat at your soul.
As others have said you should see a urologist that specializes in mens sexual health.

I've been to GP (family doctor), and even a men's clinic. They were quick to write a script for Cialis or Viagra. They basically work on the assumption that the oral meds work for 80% of men. So what about the 20% where the meds either dont work or are ineffective. There are other solutions.

Also I'm almost shocked that so many men will not seek help, many because of the shame and guilt associated with ED. But honestly its an all too common problem.

[ape1100]

Feeling shame is natural. It sucks ass when you feel it in the middle of sex even more, but an understanding spouse is essential and talking about your problems frankly. I still feel it every now and then but its a little less each time.

[AmansinCali]

Fiatman,

There is not a man on FT who hasn't had your problem, we all came here to find a solution and support.

My best advice to you is to start talking to your wife about every emotion and every physical feeling you have. No need to be embarrassed, she is your best friend.

My wife and I never spoke about sex, she was uncomfortable talking about it out of the bedroom and in the bedroom we just did it until I couldn't do it anymore. About the third time in a row I failed to get an erection I told her, "I will get this fixed." I was already on FT so I was aware of all of the alternatives. I had fired my previous urologist so I had to find one quick, I called my Internist and talked to his nurse and asked what urologist the doctor was referring his patience to, she said she didn't know, but said, "My husband goes to Dr. X. I respect her so made an appointment.

In the mean time I told my wife about FT and what ED solutions were out there. My wife of 54 years at the time surprised me, she was really getting into talking about the different solutions. I was totally open with her and she, as always, wanted the best for me. The more we talked the more relaxed each of us became discussing the ED problem. I am now on Tri-mix and so far we really like this solution though I am pretty sure there will be an implant some time down the road. I am 77 and the wife is 75.

You are not alone. Team up with your wife and work on the solution together, use FT the way it was meant to be used. Bring this all out into the open and it should remove any lingering shame you might have, there is nothing to be ashamed about. Attack it like a team and I think you will find a new closeness with your wife. If you hide things from her it will just push her away.

Hang in there, hope is not lost. I read that early experiments with implants were done on cadavers and even dead men were getting great erections.