I'm a 63 year old soon-to-be retired airline captain (next year, after 40+ years of combined military and commercial flying). As i prepare to ride off into the sunset of my career, part of that preparation includes retirement, in Thailand. (Thus my screen name). And i fully intend to be prepared. To do that, I've come to terms the fact that in spite of a very colorful and vigorous sex life through the years, I'm here. ED. I've been reading this forum literally all day long, and all i can say is thank gawd for it and those of you who have contributed so much. Especially "Merrix", who chronicled his experience beautifully from inception to culmination many months out. I think there's something like 80+ pages on his thread, and i read every page. In one day, I learned so much, and was given food for thought on considerations i'm sure to encounter. Merrix, if you read this, thank you. And i see we have a shared interest in Thailand. More about that in a moment.
Background: Was divorced after 24 years of marriage at the age of 46. Prior to that, I was good to go, 100% of the time, on a moments notice. Fate is fickle though. Coinciding with my newfound freedom, as i began to date with considerable enthusiasm I noticed that I actually needed the boost of Viagra. Prior to that (since I was 39) it had been a recreational drug mostly. But no worries, I was good to go consistently, but always had it on hand, just in case. But my erections became more unreliable and I became slightly uncomfortable if the opportunity presented itself and i wasn't prepared with a dose handy. I was single for 10 years, and during that time I had 3 primary girlfriends and several casual encounters. It was a minor annoyance, becoming more dependent on it, but since it worked pretty consistently, I didn't sweat it.
Nearing my almost 10 years of singledom, I began to have low-grade performance anxiety if a spontaneous opportunity presented itself, and started fretting more and more. Still, things were working pretty well. Just a creeping sense of "Shit. here i am. single. and I seem to be fading in performance just as this whole world of opportunity is presenting itself". Eventually, in conjunction with my travels, I met and married a beautiful and sexy Brazilian woman. I was so hot for her that frequently i didn't even need the turbo-assist....sometimes. But in general, i was a consistent user of Viagra and Cialis, with her whole-hearted approval.
Unfortunately things between she and I went south after more than a decade together, and near the end my ED was getting worse and her satisfaction, I could tell, was greatly diminished. Sometimes complaining, which hurts. In the last 3 years or so of our marriage we became involved in "The Lifestyle", code word for swinging. By this point, I was using trimix....with diminishing returns. It would get me hard, but only for about 30 minutes or less. And those "Lifestyle" situations can go on for hours. I did not begrudge her getting her satisfaction from much younger guys, because i soon learned to completely compartmentalize this and actually enjoyed watching her be pleasured. I was still hanging in there with the trimix, and was usually good with one round, under :30 minutes from injection, with my female play partners in this environment. For those of you who might judge this, that's up to you, I wouldn't write about it here if i cared what people thought, but i can say with certainty my love for her never was diminished in any way. I loved her until the end. And about a year ago, it unraveled. Not the least of her complaints was my sexual performance. She used to LOVE having sex with me. Anyway, we've been separated for a year now and our divorce will be final next year.
In the interim, i've worked a lot, and been alone a lot. My ED has kept me isolated and afraid to venture out much and even try. Every thing i have read on this forum about how it affects your sense of self, your confidence, your happiness....all of that just went to shit. Finally, just this past November i went to Thailand for 3 weeks, a place i'd visited regularly in my single days (lest you think it's ONLY about sex there, I really do love the people, the climate, the islands, the food. I even learned to sail there. But yeah, sure. The ladies. I'm enthralled). While there, I took my trimix in the little cooler bag, and I met a lovely local lady, 29 years old, who became my constant companion. Every night we would have sex, and the trimix worked about 70% of the time. She'd try to get it up, i'd excuse myself to the bathroom, inject, then return. She was so cool. I eventually just fessed up to what i was doing, and she was great about rubbing it in and enjoyed the transformation. But. She/we wanted to have sex every morning as well. I know i'm not supposed to inject so soon, but i would anyway. If i was lucky, i'd get about a 1/2 woody. If i was lucky. ED looking me in the face again.
I'd already been watching youtube videos on the subject, and prior to my trip had consulted with Dr. Perito in Miami. He diagnosed me with veinous leakage, which in a way was a relief to know it wasn't just "in my head". He strongly advised that I proceed since i was at the point where i'd pretty much come to the end of the road and we had a reason why. Plus, catching it this early would prevent ED-related shrinkage. As luck would have it, despite working for a great company, my insurance did NOT cover it. I was prepared to pay out of pocket, but in the interim, I took my trip to to Thailand. My experience in Thailand was enough to confirm in my mind:
1. I need and want the implant, and
2. I will retire in Thailand
Upon my return i began to watch Dr. Clavell's youtube channel. His google reviews were overwhelmingly favorable, and he seemed so down to earth and competent. So, I called him and we had a video consultation. I was concerned about the recovery since he primarily does penoscrotal surgery vs Dr. Perito's infrapubic technique. But, since I'd had some issues over the years with my right testicle requiring two surgeries, I had my concerns about pump placement with my rather high-hanging right testicle. Dr. Clavell convinced me that the pump would be well placed and that i would not require the "tugging/pulling" of the pump to get it in place. Since I'm paying out of pocket, he was also $9000 cheaper. I am convinced he is a good choice....and with that, On Jan 4, 2023, I fly to Houston to have it done. He did make me feel good when, asking about my sexual frequency, I told him in while in Thailand, "night and day". He said "whoa! 63 years old and twice daily. Coloplast for you".
And, I am scared. to. death.
Not so much of infection, device failure....mostly of the pain. I've had 4 surgeries down below (including hernia and vasectomy), and none of them were particularly pleasant. I thought my vasectomy 33 years ago, would be about as traumatic as a haircut. Boy, was i wrong about that. It also doesn't help that I'm still kind of getting over the emotional effects of my divorce, and when I return from Houston to Florida, I will be recovering in virtual isolation. I've only been here a few short years, and don't really have many friends and family nearby. So i envision me laying on the couch with a swollen, black and blue, and painful groin area.....and alone. The combination of the divorce and the psychic elements of ED, and now anxiety over the procedure...
Well, whew. I'm glad i found this place. All i'd seen before from other patients is a few testimonials on youtube. There's not too many. So i felt like i was setting out on uncharted waters with nobody to talk to.
So, that's me. I guess as a combination sounding board, source of knowledge, and catharsis during the journey, I'll be posting more. Of course, I want to hear about your journey too. Somebody just pat me on the head and tell me it's all going to be ok.
Oh, and that young lady in Thailand? I told her I intend to return in March during which I will take her to Phuket. I hope I'm up for it. No pun intended.
