Question for older, married men

[tobenormalagain]

I am a 57yo male, am very healthy, take no meds (other than an antidepressant), good BP and vital signs, I am trim and exercise regularly. That said I have suffered from ED for a long, long time. In retrospect, I believe my ED has been partially related to the sexual side effects of various antidepressants that I have taken over the years. That said, I am going to come across as a complete bastard but it is what it is. Having sex with my wife, takes a LOT of work, Viagra, VED, rings, shot, watching porn, concentrating very, very hard.... Believe me when I say this, porn is absolutely necessary for me to perform even disappointingly. Our sex is vanilla and she absolutely doesn't ignite a spark or make me horny one bit. Changing things up or her dressing sexy, sadly would make no difference whatsoever. Not to be a bastard, but I've come to the conclusion that I would love to try with a new partner on the side. I think with the newness and excitement, I could experience a spontaneous, hard cock like I do watching porn on occasion. I crave this more than I can describe. Anyone else and please, no judgement. Thank you

[SteveD]

In my experience with PCa and subsequent RP there is certainly the physical impact of ED - but now 4 years after surgery, then 2 years of total impotence, then an implant 2 years ago - I can say that the emotional and psychological impact of ED is far greater. And that psych impact can lead us to consider and make choices we would not consider otherwise.
Your current-state description is very similar to what leads many men to a medical evaluation of their ability to attain and sustain an erection, and in some number of cases, choose an implant as one course of action. Importantly, many of us also need to examine our relationship with our significant others - and that also benefits from professional help. A good first step is just a 'heart to heart' (as you say: no judgement) talk - your spouse likely has some insight that could help you both.
I don't have any personal 'new partner' experience to share but encourage you to think a bit about 'what happens next' - whether the encounter produces a desired result, or does not.

[tobenormalagain]

Thank you for your response and good advice. While my wife and I have a good, loving marriage otherwise, there is absolutely NO sexual desire on my part-none! That makes me sound like a bastard I know but I have zero control over what excites me sexually. I’ve thought about your “heart to heart” discussion but I think it would only lead to more hurt feelings and would not bear fruit. I would love to stay married and have the occasional dalliance as bad as that sounds! I want it so badly!

[SteveD]

We've earned the right to live our lives the way we choose - which for me also means to bear the consequences. You might choose to have that conversation with your spouse about what each of you needs - and choose to live your desired life transparently with or without her participation. Failing that - are you prepared to live with the consequences of a discovered 'secret or private' life in a marriage you describe as good and loving?
I can easily recall the 'significant emotional event' that my spouse and I experienced when we had our heart-to-heart, and the celebration of how we grew together without guilt or embarrassment.

[jsjwjw]

Please don't step outside of your marriage.
When your wife finds out you will cause her terrible pain and even if you stay together things will never be quite the same.

Maybe you should try Trimix....90% chance you will have a solid erection and your wife will probably enjoy sex more

[tobenormalagain]

Steve, thank you also for your response. Without going into too much detail, can you tell me more about your situation? I think I could definitely learn from other men that have been stuck in this same rut.

[tobenormalagain]

Just to clarify, I have asked to watch porn together, add another partner in our bedroom, lingerie… all have been met with a very luke warm response!

[bldoink]

Life certainly isn't perfect. And as some might say, life isn't fair. I don't necessarily agree with that exactly but life is what it is. And for some strange reason many of us older men develop sexual desires that I don't understand but that are otherwise unhealthy for our lives and relationships. I'm so far from perfect it's ridiculous. But I find the scenario, and proposed actions presented in the OP very sad. During a marriage, often a youthful one, a contract is made, trust and obligations are assumed, hopefully based on a mutual love, one that develops and matures. If that youthful trust, obligation and contract hasn't been broken by the other party, your youthful love, then the cost of potentially throwing it away should be carefully weighed, balanced against the consequences of hurt family relationships, damaged or destroyed, and lost love. It may be likely your issues are largely a result of your medications you've taken over the years. How much do you want to ultimately pay for those drugs?

Just to clarify, I have asked to watch porn together, add another partner in our bedroom, lingerie… all have been met with a very luke warm response!

I think for the vast majority of marriage relationships some of those asks are bridges way too far. Her internal feelings are very likely far stronger than luke warm. I expect there was a fair amount of hurt involved that may need some repair. For the lingerie, just go buy some. I'll suggest you try concentrating on her pleasure alone for awhile with no thought, stress or concern of your own pleasure. Try that for awhile and see what develops.

You said "no judgement", well I did my best.

[SteveD]

I hope you'll appreciate that the suggestions I'm sharing are about expanding the approach to your situation and giving more consideration to the unintended (undesired) consequences. The suggestions are germane to a very-wide range of interpersonal issues. With that - give yourself and her the best chance possible to move forward together - many will tell you that works a lot better than doing it alone...

[sogwap]

I believe my ED has been partially related to the sexual side effects of various antidepressants that I have taken over the years.

Recently I took Paroxetine (otherwise known as Paxil, an antidepressant) for three years to help with my PE (Premature Ejaculation).

Paroxetine did allow me to last longer, but it also lowered my libido and made my erections weaker.

After I stopped taking Paroxetine (a low dose of 10 mg daily) I noticed my nocturnal erections returned and an increase in libido.

I have read numerous reports from both men and women who took antidepressants that oftentimes made it *impossible* to orgasm.