How Implants affect marriages/relationships

[RickRed40]

I get it that men are men, So our focus is on the physical aspects and concerns associated with our surgery, the size of our penis afterward, or bragging about the sexual conquests after surgery. Yet if we are honest with each other, most men who've come to the decision to have an implant have coped with erectile dysfunction for years, for some decades. Erectile dysfunction has a devastating impact on our self esteem. Prior to surgery, most men were coping with a serious depression as well as moderate to severe relational stress with our partners. If single, many men with ED avoided dating.

I've read threads in this forum where men go into very specific details regarding their sexual conquests. They've shared them in such a way that it made me wonder whether I was reading pornography.

I haven't found many threads, nor for that matter research studies about the ways in which a penile implant impacts a man's pre implant depression, or how an implant changes your relationship with their partner.

One thing I've personally discovered is that an implant isn't a magic bullet. In other words the issues my wife and I faced when I was impotent and the hurt feelings that linger are not magically wiped away now that I can perform in the bedroom. These are issues that we still need to discuss and work out. I've also learned that my emotional well being experienced a more sudden positive change as an individual since the implant. Translating that positive change into my marriage is taking more time. With all of that being true, my wife and I are having sex more frequently now than we did when we were in our twenties. I some ways I find that ironic ironic that in my twenties my sex drive very high. In those days I felt sexual tension and frustration frequently. Now my desire is so much lower, but now's the time I'm enjoying sex more frequently. Thanks to many factors, the implant being one of them, sex is better at 60 than it was when I was 25.

There's many reasons for this, but one reason I want to share is something we all have in common. The expression "You don't know what you've got until it's gone" is true and applicable. Having lost the ability to make love and then regaining this ability gives me an amazing sense of appreciation and gratitude which was not something I experienced in my 20's when I took the ability to make love for granted. Now there is a profound sense of appreciation and gratitude to get back what cancer took away.

It's time for a thread that isn't about sexual conquests. Is there a willingness to have an honest discussion about the ways in which an implant impacted pre surgery depression, and lack of confidence, as well the ways in which our new found abilities impact the the relationship with our partner?

I know I'm not alone here. My implant had a powerful affect on my pre-surgery depression, which is now completely gone. It certainly has a positive impact on my self esteem. My relationship with my wife is moving a a very positive direction, but it's taking more time and effort than I expected it would. Relational changes are taking more time and effort than the person changes which occurred as a by product of regaining what was lost. These are not typical things shared or discussed on the threads in this forum. Isn't it time we do more than discuss surgical issues or the size of our penis after our implant?
Rick

[TEBozo]

Very well said. Being able to make love to a woman is a gift.

[dg_moore]

On the other hand, toward the end of my long struggle with ED I discussed the implant with my internist, who is also an old friend. He said a couple of things: first, "It's only plumbing. It can be fixed easily," and second,"keep in mind that many couples who have been asexual for years never regain their sex lives after the physical issues have been corrected."

He was right - Dr. Kramer fixed my plumbing in 2008, but we never used the implant. I suffered a stroke that took away my libido, and my wife had lost interest during our years of fumbling around with ED and finally after menopause.

So the implant really had no effect at all on our marriage or relationship - ED killed our sex life and the implant did not revive it. Plenty of men my age or older (72) are still sexually active, but according to recent Kinsey data, even more (over 50%) are not. We are satisfied with our life as it is - sex was great before it was over, but it's no longer part of our lives and we're now in a different place.

[RickRed40]

Dave,
Thank you for sharing your story post implant. It's important for everyone to know that having an implant doesn't equal a happy ever after ending. I'm sorry to hear about your wife's stroke. Your decision to stay faithful is admirable. I know this about myself, had I walked in your shoes, the temptation to step out of the bounds of marriage to find a woman who'd be interested in making good use of my implant would have been a very real temptation I'd struggle with. It's not good to hear that ED killed your sexual relationship between you and your wife. It is good to hear that there are men out there who take their marriage vows seriously and remain faithful to their partner in sickness and in health.
Blessings,
Rick

[MrMoJoeRisin]

Very insightful topic.

From my own experience - the implant for sure restores a lot of confidence. Being diabetic and having progressive ED for the past 11 or 12 years, it's an issue that was very frustrating and depressing. I possess a very high sex drive, and not being able to get an erection was a very major issue in my life. It cost me one relationship because of the inability to perform. And then there were the pills, which were fine in the beginning - but later did not help. Then the injections, which again were painful and inconsistent.

Your confidence is shattered - it puts a definite strain on your relationship, being unable to make love to your GF/Wife as you'd like to. Leaving her wanting and yourself. Defintiely depressing, I felt like I lost essentially what it was to be a man.

I thank Dr. Garber daily for his work. The implant has restored my confidence, it always works. I'm no longer depressed, and I feel like a man again. I have that intimate and loving closeness again.

Yes, sex is different. The foreplay is far different, you have to still take time to get worked up - even if you ARE up. And the implant isn't a cure all for your relationship. The bond, your emotional connection. All of that is something you work on and nourish. But being able to have sex, no doubt helps to complete that bond. It provides a route for that emotional bond to pass that may have been lacking as you went through the ED struggle. Women have needs too, and I'm not positive my relationship would have survived without Dr Garber and his work. My future wife and I are happier than ever with the implant. We have sex daily, and it's done nothing but bring us closer. Having an implant has meant the world to me, literally like night and day. Wish I had done it sooner.

[dg_moore]

...I'm sorry to hear about your wife's stroke. Your decision to stay faithful is admirable...

Actually, it was I who had the stroke, and as a result have zero sexual desire. In any case, even though there have been times in my life when sex was on hold during lengthy illness, I was never tempted to fool around. It's just not in my nature - I could never have lived with the guilt.
Thanks for your kind words.
Dave

[KMeister]

Thanks for starting this thread Rick. I agree too often we men become obsessed with the ability to become erect and what we can do when we become erect. For me, I've been unfortunate because I have suffered from ED for years and am now on my third implant. Fortunately, throughout all this my bride and I never forgot how much we love each other and how blessed we believe we are for having each other. Whether we engaged in sexual activity or not at night, for over twenty years we've fallen asleep holding on to each other. (We're fond of saying we make love every night.) For over twenty years I've held the door for her when she gets in and out of my car. For over twenty years I've sent her flowers for no special occasion. For over twenty years we've held hands at church and home when we've said our prayers. For over twenty years not a day has gone by when we've not exchanged "I love you" several times a day. For over twenty ears we've had a standing date: we watch a movie together at home while sharing copious amounts popcorn.

Truth be told, because of various health issues, work schedules and lifestyle differences (I'm an owl; she's a lark)--and because of physical compatibility issues (small vagina meet large penis) my sweetie and I have found other ways to express our love for each other. The implant has definitely helped with my self-esteem--and its always magic to hold that special someone in your arms while sharing your love by sharing your bodies--but I was always happy because I adore my bride, and for some reason I'm sure some people don't understand, she seems to be rather fond of me too.

KMeister

[RickRed40]

KMeister
You are your wife have a beautiful relationship! I'm curious, why are you on your third implant?
Rick

[KMeister]

KMeister
You are your wife have a beautiful relationship! I'm curious, why are you on your third implant?
Rick

Here's the story:

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