My Journal

[alibaba]

Never anything wrong with expressing your appreciation for a person who did you a fine job and remained in contact throughout, especially when you can document that doctor has done you well. Helps sort the true from the "i wonder if this guy is an ad generator" people? I guess it has started to rub me the wrong way when someone tells someone to "go with ________" being I had a dozen people tell me to go to Milam and now have read posts going back 6 years where soft glans, bent dicks, high pumps and tubing have been issues. 2014 seemed to be the "good" year at Vanderbilt, rest were so so.
Cheers.

[merrix]

It’s been 5.5 months since that day at Manhattan when I went bionic. Thinking back to just before I pulled the plug, what did I really expect? Has the outcome met my expectations? Short answer is yes. Probably even exceeded them. And the more I read here on FT, the more I understand that my expectations were high. Very high. Several people here post results of a lower standard than mine, but still they are very, very satisfied. I can only be happy for them. Because in the end it is not the results themselves, from a strict objective point of view, which is most important. It is the satisfaction. Better being super-happy with a wobbling 4:30 erection than being less happy with the most perfect results.
I would say I am lucky. I think I got about as good results as I could, and I am satisfied with those results. Not much more to ask for.

But this whole expectations vs results thing is a big issue. I remember reading here at first, and how almost everybody sang the prayers about how fantastic it all was. When I read someone posting that, I assume they got perfect results according to what I would call perfect. But that is not nearly always the case. This forum is full of people who are super happy with their ‘rock hard erection’ when in reality it is so soft so they can bend it from belly to ass. Or guys who have erections pointing at 4:30 but still claim their implant is great and the doc did a great job.

I recommend anybody looking here at FT for information as a part of the decision process whether to get implanted or not, to do what you can to see behind the ‘My implant is fantastic’ façade and not use other’s subjective judgement of their implants. Try to to dig behind it, ask people about objective facts. Length pre op vs post op in inches, cm or whatever. Not stated as ‘I lost a little, but nothing to bother about’. Well maybe you would have bothered. Erection angle expressed as degrees, clock analogy etc. Not as in ‘I am happy with my angle’. Well, maybe he settles for less than you. Someone says he can do the same gym workout as before implant. 'No problem in the gym', Well maybe his gym sessions is biceps curls with 5 pound dumbbells. And yours is ass to the gras squats with 500 pounds. Etc, etc. Don't automatically assume that other's vague subjective stories are applicable to you, your sex and exercise habits and your expectations.

That’s why I try to be as objective as I only can. I try to describe my results in objective terms, not only in subjective.
Hence this is a long post, but one I would have loved to read 8 months ago…


Progress
In terms of progress, I thought things had pretty much reached its final level by now. But I actually keep seeing small progress still. One thing is size, both length and girth, which is fueled by a steady increase in the number of pumps I can get in. Another is just a continuous reduction in the number of times in a day when I even notice the implant is there.

Sex
Regarding the sex, which after all is the reason for going through all this, I must admit that it has been, and still is, a learning curve. I have had various degree of ED since my sexual debut some 25 years ago. I have basically never once in my life jumped in bed with a woman confident of getting and keeping my erection. This has, consciously and unconsciously, affected me of course. I was looking forward to just inflate my dick and act like I had not done anything else in my life than making love for hours in all possible ways. Didn’t work like that. Having sex is something that to a large degree is done on some sort of instinct. That instinct has been formed as said by my ever present ED. Just expecting to snap my fingers and change those instinctive behavior patterns isn’t that easy. Even now, after almost 5 months of implant-sex, I find myself still developing and changing my mindset. Probably the most obvious issue is my relation to orgasm. Back in my ED days, I knew that once that feeling of being close to orgasm appeared, I was safe. At that time I could have some sort of control. Just staying close to that limit and my dick would stay up. However, if I after a certain time didn’t get to that stage, I knew I was in trouble. And probably that mental stage compounded the VL and made the dick fold down.
I realize that this sits quite deeply rooted in my brain. I still tend to rush things, and still tend to get stressed if I don’t reach that close-to-orgasm state sooner rather than later.
However, I am changing and there is a big change from a few months ago. But I still have some way to go before I can completely relax and just enjoy the moment.
On the other hand, the sex I have is already so much better than before, and since it keeps getting even better, I am happy and keep enjoying what I have while it keeps getting even better.

Length
I was between 16-17 (6.3-6.7”) cm before surgery on pills. 16 (6.3) on a semi-day and 17 (6.7) on my absolutely best day. Mostly somewhere in between.
I was 16 cm (6.3”) day before surgery on injections with a semi and doing the stretch test. Measured together with Eid.
I was 15 cm (5.9”) when starting to inflate a couple of weeks after surgery.
Today I am just over 17 cm (6.7”).

Girth
Before surgery I was 14 cm (5.5”)
When starting cycling I was larger, 14.2 (5.6”). This changed and rather soon I was thinner. Down to 13.3 (5.2). Realizing now that the initial girth was just due to swelling. I started cycling 2 weeks after surgery, and the dick was just still swollen.
Now I am 14.3 cm (5 ¼ “).

Angle
Before surgery, I never thought about what my angle was. But for sure it pointed above horizontal. If I try to think back and give a number, I’d say around 2:00 on my best day. A bad day it was a 5:00 soft semi though…
Today, I am 2:00 if pumping close to max.
If pumping about 75-80%, which I normally do for sex, the angle is still above horizontal. Let’s say 2:30.

Hinge
My definition of hinge is a dick which bends in the base. A dick which is hard along the shaft but can be pointed up, down, left, right without much resistance. Some is of course needed to be able to have good sex. Having a dick with no flexibility at all in the base makes it awkward to have intercourse. But too much flex isn’t good either of course since it will feel very unnatural, and from a woman’s perspective the dick will feel softer. Wobbly.
I felt from the beginning when having sex with the implant that it wasn’t very hard. Touching the dick, sure the shaft was hard, but it still didn’t feel super hard. It was because there was some degree of a hinge. And the reason was basically that when I started having sex some 3-4 weeks after surgery, I couldn’t pump it nearly as much as I can now. And now I would say I can get the perfect balance of a very, very hard shaft and a little bit of flexibility at the base to make sex comfortable. But it is still firm enough to be able to push the dick sideways or up when inside my wife, pressing it against the inside of her. Up preferably, since that’s where women are sensitive. Which she loves and which creates the feeling of being hard. If the shaft is hard, but it just wobbles in the base, she will not get that feeling of a rock hard dick inside her.
The bath-towel test, as it is called here on FT, is what I call the ultimate test of hinge. Even a rock hard shaft will not carry a bath towel when there is a pronounced hinge effect. The towel would just make the shaft bend in the base and point down enough for the towel to fall off. In my case I think my wife can do pullups from it if I pump it to the max (well, not literally, but you get the point). It just doesn’t barely give anything from a bath towel. When inflating to comfortable sex level the bath towel stays, but will force the dick down to around 3:00 or maybe even slightly below.

# of pumps
Early days I wrote I could get 50 pumps in. Well, I could. But not full wall to wall pumps. The bulb was just too stiff to compress wall to wall. Even with two hands.
Once I started to be able to completely compress it, I could get in around 20 pumps. This has been increasing slowly but steady and now I can get in 33 pumps. This is not comfortable. It just feels like the cylinders are pressing everywhere. Tip, girth, and inside me as well. I can keep it like that if I want to for quite some time, but it is definitely uncomfortable. As said, for sex I use around 24 pumps. Often a bit less during foreplay.
I can pump wall-to-wall with one hand up till around 15-20 pumps. After that I can only get partials with one hand. To keep getting full wall-to-wall pumps I must use two hands.
Since I keep getting more pumps in and my length and girth still increases, I guess I haven’t yet seen the final result.

Deflation
Deflation was a huge issue in early days. Now it’s not. I use two hands, just to keep the pump fixed while I press the deflate button. If the implant is full, or close to full – let’s say >28 pumps – I will hear and feel a distinct buzz and it will go down very quickly. After that I still squeeze the shaft hard with my left hand and press my perineal area with my right hand. Then I give the bulb one press to reset the valve. This ‘resetting’ is clearly noticeable. Occasionally this doesn’t work. The valve-resetting feeling of the first pump just isn’t there. What I do then is just to press the deflate button once again, and the pressing the bulb again.
When the implant is not completely full before deflation, the deflation feels different. I don’t get that buzz when pressing the deflate button. But it still empties, and then I have the same procedure of squeezing and pressing and resetting the valve.

Cycling the implant
I am still in some doubt about this. I am 100% sure that I shorten the length of life of the implant from using it (as in inflating and deflating it) twice per day compared to just inflating when having sex.
Advantages? Well the size gain should be one. I have gained measurable size from post op. On the other hand I will never know if I would have gained that size with less frequent cycling as well.
I have used different cycling strategies over these 5 months since I got activated. From the beginning I basically always did twice per day. Then I had a period when I thought I was always a bit sore from all the pumping. So I decreased the frequency to around once every other day. It helped with the soreness.
Later in my healing process, I went back to more frequent pumping and the soreness never came back. I would say that the last couple of months I probably pump it around 10 times per week. At least once every day, and twice when I have time.
I tend to think that frequent pumping gives me a better feeling. If I for some reason don’t inflate it for one-two days, it is a different feeling once I inflate it again. Tighter, slightly tender etc. Hard to describe, but it simply feels better from frequent cycling. And since I am still increasing in size I will keep using my current cycling strategy.

Can I have sex without my partner noticing?
Well, technically yes. But with a regular partner, and if having sex the way I want it – no. It is all about whether she touches the scrotum or not. If not, then she may well not notice anything since the pump is barely visible and the dick feels very natural (if not pumping full). But if she does touch the scrotum (as in grabs it, plays with the balls) she will of course feel the pump in there. If she wouldn’t be able to feel it, I would be in trouble. Because if she couldn’t even feel the pump at all – how the fuck would I be able to feel the tiny little deflate button sitting high up on the pump????

Exercise
I can do anything. At least anything I want to do. I play tennis at a decent level (5.0 singles). I lift some quite decent weights in the gym for an old man like myself. I do deadlifts at >400 pounds for reps and squats at >300 pounds for reps. None of this causes any problems. The deadlifts did a couple of months ago, but not anymore.
I don’t do any bike riding for exercise purposes, only for shorter distances. But I feel nothing from that.

Flaccid
My flaccid is substantially larger than before. Both longer and thicker. But it is no problem. It hangs down nicely at 5:00 and I can put it however I want in my underwear without discomfort and without displaying something that looks weird through the pants.

Tubing
I cannot see the tubing. I can however feel it since I know where it is. If I press with my fingers in my left groin, I will feel the tubing coming down from the reservoir. If having long, hard sex in a position where I constantly bump my left groin into my wife, as in if she lies down on her right side with her left leg bent up high in front of her and I kneel behind her, I will feel some light tenderness afterwards. But nothing that could be called pain, and no showstopper in any way.
I can also feel the tubing in the left side of my scrotum if I touch it thoroughly. But it never bothers me.

That’s about it I think. Another boring 5-hours flight killed. Part of it at least. Time to get some work done now.
Till next time.

[alibaba]

Excellent update Merrix. I appreciate your candor and detail.
I posted my update for today, went back to the forum seeing your new post, and suddenly wondered if we are diametrically different reflections in alternate universes. The feeling of an odd but opposite connection.
Be well and have a fabulous day!
d

[merrix]

Thanks and likewise.
I will. Friday night coming up after a week away for business.
The champagne is already cooled.
The Titan is due for another installment tonight...

[C_lab34]

Thanks for another thorough update. I'm wondering if your measurements are with an aroused, full blooded pumped up erection, or just pumped up cold. I think it's important to emphasis the difference between the two erections, as the look and feel are improved tremendously for me when my own tissues are also hard and expanded. When I'm pumped up without arousal, the erection is thinner and flatter, the glans is much smaller, and it feels a little unnatural. The implant greatly benefits from natural blood flow around the cavernosa and in the glans, and with me, I gain about 1/4 to 1/2 in girth and about 3/4th of an inch in length when my blood is really flowing and the tissue around the implant is engorged. In the spirit of objectivity, I think it would be interesting if you also catalogued the difference, if there is much of one for you, between the two erections. Going further, to provide as much information as possible, I'm wondering if you are able to achieve this natural arousal easily, or if you use any pills or other tricks or tools.

[merrix]

C_lab: Good point, good question.

Those were definitely facts worthy of being in that long post. Simply didn't think of adding them, but here it is. And a few others which I just realized I didn't add as well:

Cialis, Viagra, etc
I have used some different schemes over these 5.5 months. Fromt the beginning I took 50 mg Viagra when having sex. Don't really know why, just old habits, and probably some worry that the glans wouldn't swell up nicely without it. Well, glans did for sure swell up with it.
Later swapped to 5 mg Cialis daily. Again as an old habit more or less. Glans continued to engorge when aroused.
Lately, I've been doing 5 mg Cialis on days of having sex only. Which unfortunately with my extreme travel schedule means twice per week. Glans still swells up.
Funny thing is I still don't really know why I take it. So thanks for this question. From now on I'll skip the Cialis. Because when I masturbate (without Cialis of course), my glans swells up as well as ever possible.

Size aroused vs pumping when not aroused
Yes, in the name of objectivity and facts, I have actually kept records of this. So I can give you a very detailed (and objective) answer. Will copy my post from above and add this info to it:

Length
I was between 16-17 (6.3-6.7”) cm before surgery on pills. 16 (6.3) on a semi-day and 17 (6.7) on my absolutely best day. Mostly somewhere in between.
I was 16 cm (6.3”) day before surgery on injections with a semi and doing the stretch test. Measured together with Eid.
I was 15 cm (5.9”) when starting to inflate a couple of weeks after surgery.
Today I am just over 17 cm (6.7”).
These are all measured with glans engorgement.
Without glans engorgement the difference is about 1.0 cm (0.4").

Girth
Before surgery I was 14 cm (5.5”)
When starting cycling I was larger, 14.2 (5.6”). This changed and rather soon I was thinner. Down to 13.3 (5.2). Realizing now that the initial girth was just due to swelling. I started cycling 2 weeks after surgery, and the dick was just still swollen.
Now I am 14.3 cm (5 ¼ “).
Those are all measured with glans engorgement.
Without glans engorgement the difference used to be around 0.4 cm (0.16").
Now however, the girth when aroused has increased as seen above, but the girth without arousal hasn't increased as much. This sounds a bit strange and hard for me to explain, but my records show this very clear. So nowadays the difference between aroused girth and unaroused girth is up to 0.8 cm (0.3").

Ability to orgasm
This must be put in perspective to my pre-op days. At that time, I did struggle to reach orgasm on occasions. It was however a sort of chicken and egg question in relation to dick going soft. When it went into semi-mode, it was harder to come. When I felt like I couldn't come, it went into semi-mode...
However, let me say that before implant (on pills of course) I could stay rock-hard and orgasm 3/10.
I kept some sort of semi and still managed to come 3-4/10.
I kept a semi and failed to come 1/10.
My dick went soft 2-3/10.
Now, I fail to reach orgasm 2 times out of 10, or maybe slightly less often than that.
Have been trying to understand why. But failed. Anyway, I prefer giving my wife a good session and then just finish without myself reaching orgasm 1-2 times of 10, with the other 8-9 being great - compared to the numbers I gave above.

Penis shape
There is definitely a difference in the appearance when aroused and blood filled compared to when not. It is flatter for sure without arousal. The glans is smaller. I also think (luckily I have never had to try) that sex would be quite an uncomfortable experience without my own blood flow to support the implant. Without glans engorgement I suspect I would be more prone to feel the cylinders in my glans in an uncomfortable way. Maybe it'd even feel sore or painful, since the glans wouldn't provide 'padding' against the tips of the cylinders which are very far up in the glans. When aroused, I never fel the tips during sex though. The feeling when having sex is basically identical to the natural erection - if I don't pump full.

Tip pain
When pumping up without glans engorgement, I start to feel some pain/ache in my tip at around 27-30 pumps. However, when aroused (as in having sex or masturbating), I don't ever feel the tip pain even if I pump till 100% max (33 pumps).

Importance of glans engorgement
... cannot be underestimated. If my glans didn't swell, I think the implant function would be not even nearly as good as now.
I actually thank the sclerotherapy for that. Before I did that (~6 months before my IPP), my glans only swelled up moderately during sex (on pills). But after the sclero, it got very, very hard. And it still does.
I think this is worth remembering for potential implant guys. If your glans doesn't engorge now, it won't after the IPP either most likely. And a hard shaft with a soft head isn't a great erection. You would most likely need pills to get good results even after the IPP.

[alibaba]

I agree with merrix on glans engorgement. So far neither 40 mg Cialis daily, Levitra, nor Trimix gel swells mine up like before. Trimix plumps it enough it does not fold up and it is no-longer cold but it is still soft like squeezing a loaf of factory mass produced bread or pillow. The very least masturbation or attempt at sex, I am talking 1/2 dozen strokes and it has shrunk to nothingness and grey color. Very hard to make a constriction ring work for this purpose with the implant too though another here has a whole thread how he does that after his less than ideal Milam implant. Just not the same dick that way. It seems to affect many aspects, sensory, feel of fullness or completeness, length and girth. As Merrix stated the lack of a shock absorber on the end though I have no pain there, not even pump to the max, unless I bump into something hard which only happened the few times I tried pumped up while showering, shaving and brushing teeth like a couple others here said they did. I don't recommend the in front of vanity bit with a hard on. That sucker is going to hit granite when it is least on your mind.

For clarification, when I have pain pumped up it is a pinching feeling between the cylinder tips, never at the end.

[PFracture]

Such a thorough update merrix. I will have to read it better after sleeping. It helps me so much, since our habits and expectations are similar. I am also an avid gym goer so, that was a main concern!

[merrix]

Did what I said I would in the post above. Skipped the blue and yellow pills used by old habit.
Had sex three times so far without touching a pill for a week.
And I really don't notice any difference. In other words, the pills are giving me no benefit whatsoever.
My glans swells up just as nicely without them.
Again, I am pretty sure this is because of the sclerotherapy, since I noticed a huge difference in the glans engorgement after that treatment.
The effect seems to still be there. Let's see for how long. When/if it disappears, I'll probably need the pills again, because having sex with a rock hard shaft and a soft glans would not be a nice feeling.

Will save some cash on this actually, since they are crazily expensive in the country where I live. One pill of 20 mg Cialis costs around 20 USD.

[alibaba]

Did what I said I would in the post above. Skipped the blue and yellow pills used by old habit.
Had sex three times so far without touching a pill for a week.
And I really don't notice any difference. In other words, the pills are giving me no benefit whatsoever.
My glans swells up just as nicely without them.
Again, I am pretty sure this is because of the sclerotherapy, since I noticed a huge difference in the glans engorgement after that treatment.
The effect seems to still be there. Let's see for how long. When/if it disappears, I'll probably need the pills again, because having sex with a rock hard shaft and a soft glans would not be a nice feeling.

Will save some cash on this actually, since they are crazily expensive in the country where I live. One pill of 20 mg Cialis costs around 20 USD.

That is cheap to what they cost here in the U.S. Awesome that you can get by without. If you were using daily dose (I forgot which you said but seem to think you were dosing prn) you may notice a little increase in blood pressure. Cialis or Viagra, I forget which, recently had a big price jump here. I've been told $37 a pill now. How much better can it get Merrix? Your dick is almost like a genie in a bottle now!
Cheers.
d