Postby jackhammerdreamz » Fri Mar 02, 2018 7:59 pm
Day 25 March 2nd
Healing is going well.
I do feel I get some auto-inflation after I deflate in the mornings.
Time between deflation after shower and getting out of my car at my job is about 45 minutes.
I've found the last couple days my dick feels like it's rubbing more in my pants as I walk into the office.
More feeling makes me feel like it has some fluid in it.
Once at work I'll usually go to the bathroom and squeeze the deflate valve and squeeze my shaft to make sure it's empty.
Sure everybody felt this way too, I'm ready for my dick to be healed! (I know it takes time though & months even to get used to it)
Thoughts
The last few days I've been pondering some very complex emotions.
Reflecting on them, trying to identify where they stem from etc.
I've noticed a shift in my sexual thoughts and desires.
It sounds strange but it feels like I fantasized more pre-op and there's a sense of sadness that it's diminished.
Even if I couldn't get myself hard, I could feel a natural arousal.
With the implant of course natural arousal is less of an option (engorgement is still there but not in the same spectrum)
I think the shift is due to the healing still. My dick hurts when I press on it or try to feel pleasure.
This includes the pain of cycling. It's like the opposite happens. (pain point memory or something? I anticipate the pain and my body tries to tell me not to do it?)
I used to touch and arouse my dick and it would feel good.
Touching it now or trying to arouse it feels more painful or foreign (the crinkling of plastic cylinders).
It's an adjustment no doubt. This isn't to say I regret the implant at all.
I think the emotions and changes I'm feeling are very difficult to quantify which is why I'm putting them down in words here.
Maybe people relate.
As I heal, I believe this feeling of slight dread towards getting aroused & cycling (because it's uncomfortable) will fade.
Funny enough with the reduction of random arousal and sexual fantasizing, has also come a stronger connection to my girlfriend physically.
A very organic, carnal desire. When I touch her soft skin or smell her, I feel drawn to her more than I used to. I really can't wait to fuck her brains out.
That's the confidence I'm used to now that I have the implant! Which is why the decrease in fantasies or dick touching pleasure seems misplaced or out of whack.
I also feel a little nervous about the first time I have sex with her. One being this is basically a completely different dick than she's fucked for the last 4 years.
My old dick curved up a little and of course wasn't full of plastic. The shape is different(maybe not by a lot but still). I wonder how different it will feel to her.
My glans provide maybe a half inch of soft flesh before the tips are felt. Engorgement isn't automatic or consistent necessarily.
Even with a non-engorged penis I hope penetration is 1.) achievable and 2.) still feels good for her (and me of course)
She's supportive for sure I just hope the idea of me fucking her with an implant doesn't get stuck in her head.
Just my insecurities and doubts coming to bother me. lol I know it'll be okay. Just some hurdles to get over mentally.
As noted in other threads, an implant doesn't magically cure you of anxiety or other emotional quandaries.
Setting yourself up thinking it does, will only make the reality worse; that it's not a cureall.
Cheers brothers. Have a good weekend!
39yr old
Revision installed 1/2/2024
Coloplast w/ Genesis pump
PenoScrotal 20cm + 3cm RTE(right) & 2cm RTE(left)
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Initial install: 2/6/2018
Coloplast Titan Touch
PenoScrotal 20cm + 1.5RTE
Failure: 9/2/2023
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Dr. Bodie U of MN
ED for 20+ years