Mark aka Dutchy here. Nice to meet you all.
Here's a run-down on my situation.
I apologize in advance if some bitterness (and/or despair) seeps through my text: I've been through quite a lot these past years...
I'm 45 and healthy (except a little too heavy for my height).
I never smoked nor did any drugs.
In 2005, a malignant tumour developed in my lower intestine. But because of doctor 'ping-pong' (a lot of which was caused by their own idiotic tunnel vision), my ailment was not diagnosed until February 2006. In that time, the tumour grew from the size of a pea to that of a grapefruit. That may not seem big in the garden, but in the oncology world it's HUGE (T4 N0 M0 for fellow survivors).
Because it was in such an advanced state (but luckily had not yet metastasised!), the required treatment was akin to the Hiroshima bombing: 2 chemo rounds (2x 108 hours at a time); plus daily radiotherapy (33 sessions in total). All this in 2 months! It took me almost a whole year to recuperate (chemo completely destroys your immune system btw). At its peak, the tumour, "conveniently" located next to my prostate [which miraculously was not affected] compressed my urethra so much that I could no longer urinate. They tried to bring a catheter the normal way (what a horrible thought!) but they couldn't get past the (literal) bottleneck at the prostate level. So they installed a 'suprapubic' catheter instead (draining tube that's drilled directly through the bladder wall, instead of going through the penis). I carried that contraption for 5 months. Such fun...
Somewhere in 2007, to my joy, I felt spontaneous erections slowly come back. Before 2006, I used to use Viagra recreationally. And now it seemed to work just as well as before, which boosted my confidence (not just sexual) immensely. Something only a guy can understand... Which is why I always avoid girl urologists -- not being sexist, but it takes 'one' to know 'one'.
So that was fine... until the summer of 2009. At the end of August, almost from one day to the next, the pills seemed to no longer work. And erections became increasingly difficult to maintain, and even obtain. So I did some research, and thought it might be caused by a testosterone deficiency. But taking such supplements did not help; except to increase my already normal testosterone levels. So no cigar.
I expressed my concerns to my urologist, and he mostly blamed the cancer treatments for my shortcomings. I passed a battery of tests (including an NPT [Nocturnal Penile Tumescence] test). It revealed that I did get semi-erect several times during REM-sleep, two nights in a row (which is expected); but he also noticed that the levels were on the low side for someone of my age.
By the spring of 2010, the Viagra completely stopped working (the only effect was massive migraines). So I turned to injections (Androskat as default, there's nothing else available in Holland) as an alternative. The normal starting dose is 0,5 ml (1/4 of a vial), but that wasn't sufficient, so I tweaked the dosage increasingly and eventually settled on ~1,3 ml, which put fire in my canon for almost 90 minutes. Although I did find it a big hassle to carry syringes around like a junkie -- not to mention the stress of possibly missing the C.S. [corpora cavernosa] when injecting; happened to me once on a date: *ALWAYS* bring a backup vial !!! -- it was an acceptable compromise.
To my dismay however, after 6 months the Androskat began to wane as well. My urologist had the original idea to supplement it with MUSE. It's a very small "pill" the size of a grain of rice which dissolves in the urethra and penetrates the urethral wall. Although it does gives volume, it does nothing to increase the length. So in my case, it was akin to a train crashing in a dead-end tunnel, expanding sideways. Plus urethral absorption burns like HELL!! The whole process was overall too painful so I soon discontinued it.
Another option was to increase the Androskat dosage. So I went from ~1,3 to 1,75 ml; then used the full 2 ml. No joy. So I gradually shot more up to 4 ml (2 full vials). Once I even did 6 ml as an experiment, but it made no difference. There seemed to be a venous leak somewhere -- I was thinking of a leaky bicycle tire, but the urologist said the structure is completely different.
Since the Androskat started to fail me, I get a reasonable girth (nice to show off in underwear or a swim suit), but miss rigidity and have lost some length (that the 'levator ani' [perineum muscles]) would provide if it hadn't been nuked repeatedly. So having a date was like trying to play hide the sausage... in a straw; because the sausage was too bendy. Needless to say this is very painful, and even more humiliating -- even with a partner who understands. Which is why I have had _no_ dates for the last 6 months. My indiscriminate frustration and jealousy towards all guys (outside this realm) is as molten lead. It feels as though I've been cast out of 'the club'.
Forget porn. Regardless how hot or imaginative (is there such a thing?) it is, if there's a virile guy in it, then it accentuates my own failure.
Even though none of it is my fault.
I can still play with myself and reach orgasm (hey, a guy has needs!), but I remain flaccid (40% erect is the best I can do) and my climax is not as intense as it used to be. Likewise, I produce less semen, but that could be partly caused by my lack of 'batting practice'. Often times my dick feels like that of a mannequin (as though it was connected to me by skin only) -- no stimulation felt whatsoever. 90% of the time, I need lubricant otherwise it's not going to work. As though my dick has grown lazy (no pun intended). I'm uncertain whether that's indicative of something.
Back to the doctors.
Months and consults passed, and my frustration grew (exponentially). However, my stubbornness paid off (somewhat) in that it was decided that a surgery could help me (but it didn't).
The idea was to induce a longer erection by forcing more blood to stay in the C.S. At the base of the penis, there are two arteries that drain the blood to end an erection. One of those was cut off, which is very similar to a vasectomy but on a different channel. It took almost 2 months to recover, but there was zero-improvement. What I observed: if I inject, I start getting interesting volume (underwear-wise), and some length, but the growth stops there. The first few compressions (hand, mouth or whatever) seem to drain the blood from the C.S. instantly, like a bottle squirting out. I dare you to use your dick without any form of compression for sex! Which is why I described this as a "leak". The surgeon (not my urologist) didn't want to check for possible leakage while he had me split open, because he thought his way was the right way (sound familiar?). He told me: "the protocol says we try this. If it doesn't work, then we try something else". Talk about medical blinders!!
Exacerbated about being taken for a pawn/fool, I asked for a second opinion with the best urologist in Holland, Dr. van Driel. That man has 30 years experience with E.D. and is *the* authority on penile implant technology. I saw him first in January 2011 for a consult regarding a possible implant. Of the three Ambicor implant models, he disapproved of models with a pump because they entail a more invasive surgery. Moreover, patients having been irradiated in the pelvic area (my case) are high-risk candidates for infection and other complications. He said further that if I chose a more elaborate model with a pump, he wouldn't be surprised if I would require another [emergency] surgery to remove it because of infection.
But the pumpless twisty model looks ridiculous. If may give you a permanent semi-boner, but when the time comes for action, you just point it in a different direction like a reading lamp. So the concept of 'erection' no longer applies as there would be no difference between being 'flaccid' and being 'erect'. So I thought if I ever go down that road, it would be with a pump or not at all.
That consult took place before the failed surgery of last year. Once I recovered from it and experimented a little, I observed that my E.D. had worsened! Although the docs say there is no causal reason for it, I'm still back at square one nevertheless. I went back to see Dr. van Driel last month, and this time he seemed to change his tune about the Ambicor implants with pump (was I _that_ persuasive or did he go through my medical file with a fine-tooth comb?). He did have one prerequisites however: I had to consult with the in-house sexologist to discuss my expectations and the emotional side of things.
Given the distance (250 km one-way), I asked him to plan as many tests/consults in one day, to maximise my trip. And boy did he!
He booked 3 appointments the same day:
1) Echography (sonogram) of my penis -- before and after a small Androskat injection
2) Consult with Dr. van Driel
3) Consult with the in-house sexologist
The sexologist (a very nice woman) said at the end of our meeting that she could count on my full support. And that she would support my petition (she sits on the committee) if I chose to go with an implant (only candidates accepted by the committee get one). Health care is fantastic in Holland: especially for patients requiring extra stuff (implants, surgery, etc) due to conditions out of their control. This is especially true for ex-cancer patients.
She added that there's a budget for 'victims of fate', so the implant would be *FREE*
They usually cost between 9000 and 14000 Euros ($12000-$18000) (albeit I'm not sure if that's all-inclusive of just the implant).
Anyway, finally some good news!
When I saw him, Dr. van Driel said he wanted to do another NPT test. It's in 2 weeks. The next morning, I will see the nice sexologist again, and we will discuss the results.
But the big IF... (and this is where you guys come in)
I'm still not completely reassured as to how well an implant would work for me, as there is no way to do a test-drive beforehand (I wish!); nor any way to predict what will happen once it's installed. Another very creepy aspect, is that's it's irreversible. Now I'm mostly impotent, but if implant fails and/or must be removed, I would be fully impotent. A man's worst nightmare.
I know full well that sex doesn't start and end with a dick, but for me it is important.
I don't like being 'broken' this way.
I'm new here, so I have a LOT of reading to do. My questions and concerns may already have been addressed.
But if anyone is in a similar predicament as me, or has tips/insight to offer, I would be very grateful indeed!
Mark aka Dutchy
. Less than FIVE inches, FuckingHell! I hope I can gain some terrain back over time...
