Is It Possible to be Grieving?

[boomerbody]

About two and a half months ago I had robotic surgery for prostate cancer. Like others, the surgery was successful and the healing portion, so far, has been just about what I was told it would be. However, I noticed lately that there are times when I think about the male functions that I took so much for granted (erections, orgasms, ejaculations, etc.), I feel a huge sense of loss. I sense jealousy over others who still can perform and also a feeling that is akin to losing someone dear to you. I haven't seen this expressed here but may have missed it in someone's post. I am truly thankful the cancer is gone and the follow-up evaluations show my PSA as zero, but I truly was not expecting some of the emotional issues that are surrounding me at this time. I would love to know the perspectives of anyone here about this.

[sa4956]

Bommer you are not alone in these feelings. I have been where you are; I had my RRP 3/11. Like you my cancer is gone but I left asking myself at what cost. The cost of ejacutations, spontateous erections, fulfulling orgasms, now dry ejaculations, erections are planned and orgsams are at best underwhelming. Just know you are feeling normal emotions and one could say you, I and others are in a grieving process; others call it learning a new normal. Whatever it is no one talked or explained these emotions or feelings pre op. I take comfort in the fact I cancer free, healthy and back to being able to most pre surgery activities. Thanks for your comments and being open about your feelings, trust mine helped.

[Eugene]

Boomerbody, like sa4956 states, we can completely understand and share your feelings. I had surgery and radiation 6 years ago. I began a slow emotional recovery with my wife of 36 years. She was very supportive. The loss of function as you aptly call it was tramatic for me and I am sure everyone else that shares our common experience. My feeling of loss got worse when my wife died last year. Talk about piling on the grief! I then found myself in the very strange situation of needing to start a new relationship compounded by the baggage of my sexual disabilities as I call them. This has been exceptionally difficult for me. How do you compete for a girl friend when you can't get it up like before? Well, I am happy to report one can and I am in a very loving relationship that I initially thought to be improbable if not impossible to find. She is completely understanding and willing to help me in anyway possible to enjoy a successful love life with her. AS mentioned aove be thankful for being cancer free (I trust you are and will continue to be so). Focus on what you can be thankful for and just not what you lost. The loss small in comparision. Don't make yourself needlessly miserable like I did for so many years. Drugs, pumps and injections work for us if you take the time to experiment and get helpful advice. I have discovered a greater appreciation for other more important aspects of a meaningful relationship to compensation for some of my loss. I am not suggesting it is easy, but better than I first thought when I became depressed early perhaps like you are now. The grieving can and will end.

[Frank Talk Admin]

I think your recognizing the symptoms of grief is really huge. We talk to men about this a lot. Allow yourself a real grieving process. You have experienced a huge loss. Many men are tempted to avoid the feelings with jokes about no more wet spot etc. Realize that the same stages of grief apply here. Have a funeral. Do something symbolic that lays the old sex to rest. Cry. Mourn. Grieve.
Then, when you are ready, move on and create your new reality. New sex is NOT like old sex, but it can still be great...and often it is better. Just different.
This is a great post. This needs to be discussed with every guy with ED
Paul

[boomerbody]

Guys:
I am literally overwhelmed at the responses received so far. I have had so many people stand with me in this situation but the loss part never seemed to surface. I am fortunate to be doing well, have a loving wife and family, and many supportive friends. The honest and objective thoughts expressed by so many of you and truly helped my perspective. I am so thankful for the support I receive here.

[buckster]

Boomer, you are definitely not alone in this. I'm now 3 years post-op and PSA still zero I remember the first year after thinking why don't the doctors require you to go to a councilor that would inform you just exactly what you were going to go through. My uro is a great doctor with a fantastic urology institute. Sure, he told me what I would go through physically but never mentioned the emotional effects. Why don't they have a full time councilor??? I still think they should. I had a great sex life with my wife before surgery. It seemed like overnight it was gone forever. I remember after being intimate my wife she would hold me and tell me "she missed me". I thought she was referring to the erections and ejaculations because that was what I was missing. It took some time but I finally realized that she was missing the person I was before surgery. Maybe because I was still grieving my loss. I think because sex now took forethought and preparation it took most of the emotion out of it. It was more mechanical than emotional and that is what was missing. After three years I'm getting better at it but still miss what I lost.
About a year after my surgery I had a terrible reminder of the bigger picture that we seem to take for granted after we are cancer free. My wife's cousin was diagnosed with PCa at age 50 that was already in his bones. After 2 years of hell we will likely bury him in the next few weeks.
Not dying like that is what I really missed and I'm grateful for that.
Buck

[perform421]

Buckster,
You are SO right. The prep for using the VED and making sure that the ring is on correctly is certainly not spontaneous sex as it was while in our 20s and 30s. Sex does seem so mechanical with that. I tried the drugs but the side effects were not great. And after RRP, only the Viagra 100mg would work. If the pump doesn't help much, I would consider an implant. We will see............

[buckster]

Buckster,
You are SO right. The prep for using the VED and making sure that the ring is on correctly is certainly not spontaneous sex as it was while in our 20s and 30s. Sex does seem so mechanical with that. I tried the drugs but the side effects were not great. And after RRP, only the Viagra 100mg would work. If the pump doesn't help much, I would consider an implant. We will see............

My wife and I were married over 40 years ago just out of high school. We had a couple kids within a few years. Often we were both usually exhausted by bedtime and would snuggle up and sleep for a while. Then one of us would wake up and we would have our way with each other. Sometimes we would wake early morning and have quickie. This was pretty much our habit until my RP 3 years ago. Of course there were special occasions where sex was more planned out but that was rare. For the most part we still satisfy each other’s needs this way but without penetration. Thankfully we can both still have great orgasms without me having an erection. What appeals to me most about an implant is no planning ahead, just pump it up and carry on where we left off over 3 years ago. With out the mess, of course.

[bromeman]

I am very encouraged by the number of men who recognize the grieving process related to ED (it has taken time for me to educate people that when we speak of grieving and loss it is not just about the death of a person). The loss of a body part or function calls for a time of processing ther various feelings some of which take a person by surprise. However, as the process begins to end there is this very important phase know as Re-investment and re-investment involves accepting things they way they are, learning new skills, and being that new person, identity, or as in our case who we are now. I was reflecting on some aches and pains with my doctor and he looked at me and said, "Ah yes; however, you are alive!" I had a man in group therapy one day who was on the psych ward because his wife had a leg amputated just below her knee. There was also a young mother in the group who lost her child in an accident. She looked at the man and said, "I lost my whole child; you still have 8/10th of your wife." We may not be whole men as we once were but we are alive and grateful.

[buckster]

We may not be whole men as we once were but we are alive and grateful.

My wife's cousin lost his 2 year fight with PCa yesterday. Jimmy was only 52 years old. Yes be grateful.......
Buck