ED and Frustrated Wife

[sogwap]

How do you deal with the frustrations with a wife who legitimately has no confidence in me because of my Erectile Dysfunction?

In our case our sexual relations (intercourse) is either good or bad. This been a huge problem for two years. Lately I've batted about 50% (intercourse with orgasm), though my wife says its 25%.

As for specifics. My erections vary from good to poor. The ED meds usually help, but like tonight they had minimal effect.
Much of what I face is Performance Anxiety. As I almost always can MB ok. Of course it does not help to know how upset she will be when my penis does not cooperate (ED). To make matters worse with weak erections I lose sexual confidence in myself and my wife loses all confidence in me.

[antelope]

I know exactly what you're going thru. Pills were hit or miss for me as well. Knowing that LIttle G might or might not rise to the occasion caused to me be very anxious, which increased the odds of another epic fail. And the cycle spins ever downward. After testing for Low T and all that, doc concluded that my ED issues were totally related to diabetes, with perhaps some "assistance" from some of my meds. Bottom line: I needed a more reliable pecker picker upper. I started Trimix injections in November and TaDa! Life is wonderful! Best wood in years--it's like being 19 again. If the pills are working only part of the time, that means they're not working. Being able to depend on an erection happening is a huge part of having one at all. I recommend you see your uro TOMORROW and ask him about trimix. 50% success rate is not an acceptable outcome. Go for it, man. And if you have any questions, let me know. And read the section on injections. You'll get a lot of good infor there. Go to the uro with as much info as possible.

good luck and happy sticking. I can assure you that sweet mama won't be complaining any more. Stock up on lube and start working those glutes--you're gonna need all the muscle tone you can find.

Greg

[barfinkl1]

I am 3 years post op (RPP) and I use trimix and it's wonderful. It gives you a nice hard on that is like you were 18 again, so I would highly recommend it for your situation. You won't regret it, believe me. That first injection will just about bring tears to your eyes. Don't wait another minute, my friend.

[Cajun Jeff]

Im 2year 9month post op PCa surgery and I vote for the injections as well. Life is good. I will admit that for some reason I still don't have success 100 percent of the time, but close to it.

Good luck with you quest for wood.

Cajun Jeff

[hockey]

SOGWAP..
Do not be surprised if your Uro request a ultrasound/dobbler test.
He will want to check you venous blood loss. pretty much SOP.

I can assure you the test is a walk in the park. You will know the results
instantly.

I failed the test so now I will be going bionic shortly.

Good luck!

[sogwap]

Couple questions on Trimix:
Are they injections or suppositories?
How does your wife respond to the fact that the erections are NOT from sexual stimulus?
How much are they? And how often can you use them? Both my wife and I would love to have sex daily if we could.
How long does it take for them to take effect? How long do they last?

Now for my rant...

Last night was particular frustrating. We had an otherwise perfect setting. Plenty of time (which sometimes kills it for me with performance anxiety), No kids, good day with the wife, and she was off for the weekend (she was rested). I think what spoiled it for me was eating Chinese food an hour before, then taking the pill which lessened the effect. What was confusing was I had a semi hard erection and we engaged in intercourse for several minutes. But then we switched things up and it was down hill from there. Adding to my frustration it's now the morning after and I have excellent morning wood, which in part is the after effect of the pill.
My wife is convinced my erection problems are all in my head. While I do believe I experience Anxiety Performance ED, I also believe there are other factors. Because with the right situation and use of the pills I can have very good erections even when I am anxious.

Adding to the frustration, when I MB without the pills I usually can have a good erection though it sometime takes 5-10 minutes of direct stimulation. What is frustrating is that I have asked her to do a pleasuring sandbox with me and she refuses. She will only play with my erect penis. I know how to do it myself (masturbation), And would like her to explore with me what it takes to get an erection when there is none. For example we both have used erotic material, but we have never used it together. Also in the past year she has never brought me to orgasm without intercourse. Nor will she give me OS without an erect penis. And yes I do pleasure her any time she wants. Now admittedly when I have a really good erection she likes to get on top and ride me. Which has not happened recently. Otherwise she needs a vibrator to come which has has come accept.

Two years ago when I started having (major) ED, obviously I was very dis-wrought but I noticed my wife turned within and took it very personally. We both came from a previous relationship where our partners openly refused sex, as in no sex for months or in my case years. Last night she left the room and started crying, and said it must be her, and would not let me touch her in any way. But then said that I needed to fix my ED and that it is my problem. I am perplexed by this as she said her previous partner had no sex drive. Where-as I love making love with her.

Two years ago I moved from the US to Canada to marry new Canadian bride. As a result of the slow immigration process, I still do not have immigration status. Which means I can not legally work, have no health care, and am not able to provide financially other than depleting any saving I had and a few odd jobs for cash (which is not above board). Ironically between not working (financial support) and sex problems. My ED affect her more.
I am sure there are dynamics from both of our past partners who openly refused sex. In the past 18 months I've been to about 10 therapy session. The first therapist was a couples therapist who never really addressed the sex issues but rather placed it all on relationship. That really left us both feeling helpless.
Then a year ago I found a sex therapist with 20 years experience who I saw alone for about 6 weeks. At the time I as working (for cash to pay her), but work ended abruptly. And I could not afford $100 weekly sessions and $60 train fees to see her. I hope that if/when my wife sees the therapist she will understand that our problems are fixable, and see her part in exploring a healthy sex life. It seems to me that my wife is very intercourse and orgasm focused. Where-as any sex is good, as long as we are connected.

[antelope]

Dear Sog,

Let me answer your questions simply and directly:

I use trimix injections. I believe there are other penile stimulants, including urethral suppositories; I don't have any experience with any of those. Comments on this site about them are not always favorable. Others might have some really good comments. Stand by.

The trimix injection should create an erection even if there is no tactile (or other) stimulation. But gentle massaging of the little man is nice and helps things along. Who does the massaging is a matter of personal preference.

One vial of trimix costs me $120. Two boxes of needles is $8.00. Everyone is different, but I'm able to get hard using a relatively low dose. My cost is about $2.50 per shot. Much cheaper than daily cialis. And my insurance pays nothing on ED stuff.

My doc says I can shoot up every other day. Interestingly, I now get random wood from time to time and can even get a servicable erection on "off" days. Not blue veiner/cat couldn't scratch it hard, but servicable. Whereas before I had nothing. Zip zero nada. Maybe on your "off days" the sexual play can be all about pleasuring her. As they say, stop talking and put that tongue to better use.

It takes me about 5 or 6 minutes of gentle massaging to get hard after the shot. Sometimes a little longer, but not much.

The dosage I am now using keeps me hard for about 60 minutes. And I mean "I'm ready to go again, honey!" hard. I can increase the dosage and take on the entire Junior League. (Figuratively, of course. I've been married for 42 years and my wife still knows how to use a gun. lol) That part is in your control. You'll learn how to adjust the dosage for your own purposes.

One thing I've discovered since I started having sex again on a regular basis is that I don't get off as easily as I did back in the day. Whether that is caused by the trimix or by the diabetes is debatable. Sometimes the cause of the ED, whatever it is, also causes delayed orgasm even after you solve the erection problem. But delayed orgasim is not a bad problem to have--as long as you've got plenty of lube and a strong back!

As far as the rest, I think if you solve the erection problem, a lot of that other "stuff" will go away. As we prickstickers like to say, "Give it a shot!"

Hope this helps.

Greg

[sogwap]

Quick update.
We moved about a month ago, which was quite stressful.
On top of that I ran out of ED med (generic viagra, Levitra, Cialis) and started rationing what I had left, which was asking for trouble.
When I use the full dose of the meds with cock rings, I generally have 85% or better success rate of "Good Sex" for both of us. Which is Intercourse and orgasm for both of us.
Without the meds its 50/50 chance that my wife will be satisfied. This alone puts a tremendous performance anxiety on me, which my wife does not understand. As far as I am concerned any sexual contact is good. However she expects intercourse and orgasm, a limp "dick" turns her off. She has yet to explore how to make my cock come alive. I on the other-hand will dive in and start playing and licking her.
If we could, we both would have sex at least 4 times a week.

Three weeks ago I started taking the full dose of the meds I had left. Thankfully the meds, that were on order, arrived one day before I ran out! I've been taking daily.

Out of frustration (from the prior 2 months of bad sex) my wife agreed to see the sex therapist I had been seeing regarding ED. She went one time (alone) and apparently got right to the point of her frustrations. From what I understand, the therapist was able to explain that my normal is not so untypical for a healthy 50 year old male. Apparently the therapist also told my wife that from what she understands we have a decent sex life. However I would agree with my wife it can be better. My wife said that the therapist told her several other things that she wasn't sure if she could accept.

Bottom line right now, is that things are on the up. We both have things to work on. I think we both are shy in asking for sexual pleasure and have difficulty going from hi, might you be interested in sex; to screw my brains out. In the process I feel that we have areas of sexuality that we have only touched the surface. Sadly much of this has been because of the ED focus.

[dirtfrmr]

hi
58 kansas city here after nov 2010 robotic surgery
started with pills for 6 months
not really effective
started tri mix injection in June 2011
working on my 2nd vile and it works great
My spouse loves it and we plan it out when to use it
my cost are 110 per vile and syringes
use the 30.5 guage needles no pain just a pinch
it really is more reliable that pills
hope this helps
dirtfrmr

[dtwarren1942]

Sog,
In reading through your posts, I don't hear that you have accepted the idea of replacing your pills with Trimix. Correct me if I am wrong. I just started Trimix, after 10 years on Viagra) with great results, and paid $80 for a 5ml (500 units) vile from Wedgewood Pharmacy. I am a newbi to this so my last injection was 40 units which was well above what I needed (2.5 hour erection). I have read here that the longer you use Trimix, the less you need. So, next time I will reduce dosage to 30 units. At this level, I will be able to get 16+ injections or less than $5 per injection. If I recall, this is similar to the cost of generic Viagra. Even if it is higher, the Trimix results are so far superior that the slight extra cost should not be an issue.

If erection quality is the primary cause of your wife's frustration, Trimix is the most obvious solution to eliminate her frustrations. If there is more to her frustration than a stiff dick, than you need to get her to go back to the therapist. In this case, she needs to understand that your erection quality is a result of your mental/physical malady and has nothing to do with her sexuality. You need her support in order to move on.