Wife told daughter about my Ed...

[jeffrey79]

Hello all. I've been struggling with Ed for some years now and after fumbling upon this forum I have a little hope now.

But very recently I found out that my wife of 16 years old her 26 year old daughter of my difficulties in frustration. She says that she didn't say much but I doubt that very seriously as the daughter has a mouth like a wide open faucet and I know that they've had full conversations about my Ed. I also know for a fact that the daughter has told some outside non-family members and my issues could spread it the street like covid. I just can't imagine being around a group of people and the joke is on me. There ain't no telling how long this has been going on. This has left me feeling betrayed, humiliated and many other ways that I haven't felt before. This has all but crushed any little confidence that I had about myself and I'm really torn and hurt by this. This is new territory for me and I'm beginning to seek help for my Ed but mentally I'm trashed and I know see them both differently.

What do you guys and ladies (if any) think about this? Am I overacting and how would this make you feel if you were in my shoes. I really need help with this because it's tearing me down.

[cobylinks]

Dump the wife!
If she can't keep your innermost secret and lets it out to your
daughter to embarrass you?
Why would you want to stay?
Dump her and get a implant.
Then find a soulmate and love life!!!

[LuisFernandez]

100% agree. In my opinion men need to stop letting women and wives get away with this kind of behavior. There's plenty of good women out there.

If my wife told anyone about my ED problems I'd dump her in a second and use my implant like a madman.

[limpbiscuit]

Telephone
telegraph
tell a woman

The three ways of spreading information.

It seems that your wife betrayed your need for privacy. I suspect that your need for privacy would have resolved on its own as time progressed. With many men with ED the cause is physical. Our sensitivity and need for privacy resolves as we learn more about the causes of our ED. But she took that opportunity from you. I suspect this has in some way damaged the relationship. Does your wife know how much she hurt you?

There is some information about relationships that women feel very free at discussing with the whole planet. I wish they wouldn't. I think a better for her to deal with her disappointment would have been to speak to one remote friend who respects the sensitivity.

[Lost Sheep]

Hello all. I've been struggling with Ed for some years now and after fumbling upon this forum I have a little hope now.

But very recently I found out that my wife of 16 years old her 26 year old daughter of my difficulties in frustration. She says that she didn't say much but I doubt that very seriously as the daughter has a mouth like a wide open faucet and I know that they've had full conversations about my Ed. I also know for a fact that the daughter has told some outside non-family members and my issues could spread it the street like covid. I just can't imagine being around a group of people and the joke is on me. There ain't no telling how long this has been going on. This has left me feeling betrayed, humiliated and many other ways that I haven't felt before. This has all but crushed any little confidence that I had about myself and I'm really torn and hurt by this. This is new territory for me and I'm beginning to seek help for my Ed but mentally I'm trashed and I know see them both differently.

What do you guys and ladies (if any) think about this? Am I overacting and how would this make you feel if you were in my shoes. I really need help with this because it's tearing me down.

So sorry to hear of your disappointment with your wife. She did you wrong.

In the movie "The General's Daughter", the question was asked, "What is the greatest sin?" Candidate answers were Murder, Rape, etc. The answer posited in the film was, "Betrayal".

She may not be entirely worthy of condemnation. Or maybe she is. I cannot tell and you probably cannot readily tell, either.

Your wife may have revealed your E.D. to her daughter out of a need to share (perhaps her daughter started out by sharing her own "secret" and your wife reciprocated). (Not that I want to be an apologist for your wife.)

Your wife may have spoken out of frustration (for which I might suggest that you are not entirely blameless if you have not been frank and candid with your wife - difficult for a man to do, I understand - it was years before I came to terms with my E.D. even to myself, much less a sexual partner.)

Your wife may have spoken innocently, not understanding how delicate the issue is to you (again, if you did not give notice to your wife, you may share a small bit of responsibility)

Your wife may have spoken deliberately - out of anger or retaliation for some perceived injury she felt from you.

A wide range of reasons. Or excuses.

In the grand scheme of things, are any of these worse than if she had an affair?

In the pantheon of betrayals (spending money without your knowledge or having an affair or selling your house out from under you) what are you willing to forgive and what would you do to restore your relationship with your wife? What is your relationship worth?

I will post again later with a response that addresses your question more directly.

Edited to add:

How is your relationship with her daughter? Is it possible for you to talk with her heart-to-heart so she knows and accepts how you feel? Is it possible to enlist her aid in repairing your relationship with your wife? I know it probably does not seem possible. But there is one thing you have in common which you can build on. You both love your wife/her mother and want the best for her. If she sees that you are willing to work towards that goal, she will be more likely to want to help you. And, as I have often said, candor and trust begets respect and trust.

[Lost Sheep]

Hello all. I've been struggling with Ed for some years now and after fumbling upon this forum I have a little hope now.

But very recently I found out that my wife of 16 years old her 26 year old daughter of my difficulties in frustration. She says that she didn't say much but I doubt that very seriously as the daughter has a mouth like a wide open faucet and I know that they've had full conversations about my Ed. I also know for a fact that the daughter has told some outside non-family members and my issues could spread it the street like covid. I just can't imagine being around a group of people and the joke is on me. There ain't no telling how long this has been going on. This has left me feeling betrayed, humiliated and many other ways that I haven't felt before. This has all but crushed any little confidence that I had about myself and I'm really torn and hurt by this. This is new territory for me and I'm beginning to seek help for my Ed but mentally I'm trashed and I know see them both differently.

What do you guys and ladies (if any) think about this? Am I overacting and how would this make you feel if you were in my shoes. I really need help with this because it's tearing me down.

We are not hurt by our circumstances (in your case, by the revelation of facts you would rather be kept secret) so much as how we FEEL about those circumstances. In this case, the revelation of the facts, and, of course, the fact of E.D. itself.

In short, YOU are in control of your reaction to your circumstances. You do not need to have your confidence shaken or to feel torn down.

I had my self-esteem smashed by my E.D. until I accepted it. I discussed it with my sexual partner(s) and let her have some responsibility for her orgasms. (It is kind of andro-centric to think of the man being totally responsible for his partner's orgasms, anyway, isn't it?) We produced her (and my) orgasms as a joint and cooperative effort. This was liberating for me and made our love-making more effective and satisfying. I also learned to accept my E.D. in the same way as Bruce Willis and Jason Staitham seem to accept the fact of their hairlines (which I share). They appear to actually embrace being bald on top. So, it is part of me and I own it. My E.D. is part of me and I owned it as well. I also railed against it in a constructive way.

Even when my E.D. became more severe (to the point of penetrative sex being impossible, though orgasm by fellatio or masturbation still doable and satisfaction to her by hand, tongue and toy satisfactory) we still had good sexual relations and improved relations outside of sex as well.

At a point when I was without a girlfriend, I went on a dating site and advertised that I was effectively impotent, still libidinous and asking for a "lab partner" to accompany me on my journey to an effective treatment (most probably an implant). I received many compiments on my courage and admiration for my candor. Also a few offers.

From this, I concluded that women respect a man who acknowledges where he is not optimal (see the jokes about men who will not ask for directions, even when they are clearly lost) AND WHO IS WILLING TO "Take the bull by the horns" to take care of whatever problem there is. In short, a man of action gains respect and a man who hides from a problem does not.

Confidence, even in the face of shortcomings, engenders respect.

One can hide in shame at one's E.D. or one can simply say, "Yeah, so what? I am addressing the problem." As I wrote earlier, it was liberating for me and allowed me to rekindle old affections and eventually attract a new girlfriend (among several candidates willing to accept an E.D. man who does not try to hide from it)

OK, I was on a soapbox about acknowledging my E.D. and how women respond to a man who is proactive and unashamed. I hope my story inspires you to a greater happiness than your feel at present.

Women are incredibly supportive to a man with whom they feel respected, trusted and safe. If you can, reestablish those feelings within her if you are willing to salvage your marriage.

[Lost Sheep]

I was going to send this to you in a P.M. but decided it could be a benefit to others who might read it. It is a suggested script that, hopefully, inspires you to write your own. It may not fit your personality or situation...or it might. It may seem like a capitulation...but it is actually an invitation intended to make her feel respected, trusted and safe. And loved.

Darling, I love you. It hurt me that you revealed my E.D. to your daughter. I understand that you must have had your reasons but I want you to know my feelings.

I want your help in dealing with my E.D. and want to reestablish a healthy relationship of trust and sexuality.

I know our relationship has taken a hit by my not fully addressing your feelings. What can we do together to fix this?

I want you to be fully sexually satisfied and will do anything and everything I can if you will participate with me.

((Aside: Does your wife eschew oral sex, you masturbating her or sexual aids like vibrators or dildos manipulated by your or by herself? Remember also that foreplay starts a LONG way from the bedroom and a long way from erogenous zones. Sometimes foreplay can begin simply by you helping do the dishes! But that is from another thread.))

I want you to be fully emotionally satisfied with me and I am willing to listen to you and will do everything I can to HEAR you if you will participate with me.

I want our marriage to be fully successful (and satisfying for BOTH of us, TOGETHER) because I LOVE YOU, and want you to be happy.

((Aside: Remember, marriage is not "win-lose". It MUST be "win-win". My opinion is that if you see the above script as you losing face or losing ground or losing a battle, then perhaps you are better off losing entirely - that is, losing the marriage. I cannot believe you would accept that as the best outcome. ))

[Agfa13]

Wow, this is heavy.
I agree with LS, have a talk with her. After 16 years of marriage, it sounds like she is slipping (anger). To tell her daughter that you have intimacy problems is hitting below the belt (no pun).
If daughter was told of something like this, what else does she (daughter) know about you two?
You need to have this conversation ASAP before you actually start looking/thinking about implants. You will need support, at least physically at 1st, emotionally before, during, and after.
So many questions as to the 'why' was this told, so address it before it gets out of hand and you really are poked fun of by your peers.
Technology has come a long way, and is your answer to ED

[cobylinks]

How about you trusted your wife with something that was very personal and she(wife) betrayed you and embaresed you very very much. Now your going to go "honey I didn't think about your feelings?"
How about how your wife didn't think about your feelings and how are you going to face your daughter knowing that your wife told her that your " Dick doesn't work"
She betrayed you period, no way you can forget that

[Lost Sheep]

How about you trusted your wife with something that was very personal and she(wife) betrayed you and embaresed you very very much. Now your going to go "honey I didn't think about your feelings?"
How about how your wife didn't think about your feelings and how are you going to face your daughter knowing that your wife told her that your " Dick doesn't work"
She betrayed you period, no way you can forget that

That also is very true. "Love conquers all." is more hopeful than predictive. Some things ARE unforgivable, some transgressions can be worked out and some can be obliterated by future happiness (and perhaps a stronger union than when they first wed). In my heart, Hope springs eternal. Besides, divorce is horribly expensive in money and in the emotional toll.

Jeffrey79 can always pull the plug on the 16 years of marriage if he decides to. Giving his wife and her daughter another chance does not wipe out that possibility.