What is it with Women and a man's erection?

[sogwap]

Sogwap,

Don't you think this begs the question?

"Yet when I say things like 75% men come within three minutes or that ED is quite prevalent for older men, She tells me that is not her experience."

Man, if you don't want to know, I do...Where did she get this experience, she is so proud of? Maybe you haven't been married very long, but if you are in a fairly long marriage, where and with who did she get this experience? How many old men has she been with?

All I know, the way you are living sucks and has to change, either she changes or you trade in this one for a new one. There are tons of women out there who, I am sure, wish they had a partner who wanted to please them.

In my previous life I was married 25 year to a woman that after our two kids were born allowed sex maybe 1-2 month. And toward the end it was years of no sex. Any sex we had she never was an active participant. It was me trying to please her. I had no other prior sexual experience. Other than masturbation.

My new (better) wife hasnt said how many men she's been with and I dont think I want to know. At one point I thought 50. She recently told me that she's been with a number of guys but not that many. She's talked about her first husband, who she was with 10-15 years. I get the impression he was a sex god. She has said regrets leaving him. That was 25 years ago.

[Lost Sheep]

My new (better) wife hasnt said how many men she's been with and I dont think I want to know. At one point I thought 50. She recently told me that she's been with a number of guys but not that many. She's talked about her first husband, who she was with 10-15 years. I get the impression he was a sex god. She has said regrets leaving him. That was 25 years ago.

How about this for a script?

I am not your first husband. I am your CURRENT husband, who is willing and eager to do everything and anything it takes to please you and make our sexual relationship the best it can be. I am here. You are here. What it will take, is for us to communicate frankly and in detail with each other about our needs and expectations. Are you willing to work with me on this?

[Lost Sheep]

Previously when using Viagra. I did everything I could to just to maintain an erection. I was very limited in what I could do. I was only able to hold the erection in one position. Best I could do was give her oral which she liked but she wanted more. I talked about trying other things which she said what we do doesnt work, why try anything else. Which is partially true. I can understand, my ED and PE, has left her disappointed.

However since using Trimix, I can have an erection from the start of sex and lasting for some time after sex. I tried being more aggressive. It didnt go so well. Its as if she said WTF are you doing? She says she wants PIV sex, but if there's no clitoral stimulation she sometimes stops the sex and lets me know.
She's frustrated and so am I.

Given my new erection powers I want to try different things. But then she gets upset if things dont work the way she would hope.

Seems the only way this is going to work is if we take it from a new perspective.
(edited down for focus)

I will take a speculative shot in the dark. In another post, you stated that her first husband was good in bed. My shot in the dark is that she expects YOU to know everything and DO everything and that SHE has no responsibility for her own sexual satisfaction. (I will suppose it is because she actually knows very little about sex, despite her erswhile experience-she simply was satisfied did not actually have to WORK at it at all.)

I consider sex to be a cooperative vennture with both parties contributing effort towards pleasing the other AND pleaing him/her self.

If she has the attitude that it is the man's sole responsibility for EVERYTHING, she sorely needs an education. (Unfortunately, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make her drink.)

Some women do have that attitude. "I provide the vagina and that is the end of my responsibility in the matter. He is responsible for everything else; making me wet, making me orgasm, maintaining his erection and making himself orgasm. If anything goes less-than-perfectly, it is HIS fault, not mine. I am the passive recipient of all attention and I own nothing in the sexual arena. This attitude is incredibly selfish (no less than the mirror attitude in men, I must point out.)

Could this be the case with your wife?

[Spontaneous1]

Maybe he was a sex God, then why isn't she still with him? Maybe she wasn't s sex goddess and he got tired of fulfilling "her" needs and getting nothing but a blow up doll in return. Better yet, maybe she's never satisfied? Women!

[sogwap]

Thanks guys, I appreciate all the comments!

I consider sex to be a cooperative venture with both parties contributing effort towards pleasing the other AND pleasing him/her self.

I think you are partially correct.
Before using Trimix, when my erections were weak and I could only do the The cross position, she said she never heard of that position. Yet I've seen enough porn to know it's quite common, same thing with upright missionary, and a number of other positions.

I struggled for the past 12 years with ED, during which she shut down sexually.
On one of the sliders on this site (FT site) says 1/3 men have PE (Premature Ejaculation), which I also struggled with. But taking SSRI, I was able to last longer.
Like so many men struggling with ED I felt quite inadequate.

Then a couple months ago I started Trimix, So now I have the erections, but she wants more?
I have seen he go several days after things done work out sexually (even using Trimix) the way she would hope, quite depressed.

One thing I've tried to do is get her to talk and express her feelings. She's said she never had ED issues with other men, To which I have said I have no other experience besides you.

Again thanks for all of the input.

[sogwap]

My wife and I had another talk today.

Several key takeaways:

1. For years she was frustrated with my ED/PE, Because she never knew if it (my penis) would work, which is understandable.
However using Trimix Injection has allowed me to have sustained erections and allows me to continue sex even after ejaculation. Which should fix the issue. However she is convinced I loose my sexual energy after I ejaculate. Which happens several minutes after starting PIV sex when using injections.
I was surprised by this statement. Since with injections I can continue PIV sex after ejaculation, I feel I'm empowered, and dont feel like I have to hold back. However she is convinced after I ejaculate that my sexual energy is lost and sex is over. She has had sex with other guys in the past, I asked her, has any of them been able to continue (PIV) sex after ejaculation. Her answer was no after they ejaculated the sex stopped. I dont know if I said today, but I will tell her before we have sex that once I ejaculate the sex is not over under you tell me or we are too exhausted to continue.
I would note that even though I struggled with ED/PE for most of our relationship. I worked really hard not come before she would come. And was successful most of the time. As I've said previously in order for me to hold back, I limited the thrusting which she found boring which is understandable.
Question for you guys that us injections or implants that come fairly quickly. Do you find you lose your sexual energy or interest after ejaculation?

2. Second take away from out talk today. She said she takes the lead from the man.
Because of my ED, there wasn't much lead. I had very little confidence. it got to the point that before when using Viagra she would hint she was interested in sex. I would pop pill, and we would have sex. Doing this Sex (in general) worked 85-90% of the time, although she would likely put it at 50-60% success.
I've read several theories about this. One being that the man is often the aggressor and women don't have to take responsibility for being the bad girl. Not sure how true this is, but it makes sense.

3. I told her, (Actually we both said) what we've been doing is not working. And we both agreed. I think we both need to examine what we have done, and make changes. We both find the lack of sex, very troubling to our souls. Years of ED have taken a toll.

I think the biggest take away is after I ejaculate sex is not over. Although she see it entirely different.
She herself is pretty much a one and done woman. Once she comes it does trigger my ejaculation most of the time. And sex does end.
Honestly since I've struggled with PE, I never consider it the goal for myself. Even when we had sex and it was interrupted for various reasons. I found it very satisfactory.

[Lost Sheep]

My wife and I had another talk today.
(edited forfocus)
3. I told her, (Actually we both said) what we've been doing is not working. And we both agreed. I think we both need to examine what we have done, and make changes. We both find the lack of sex, very troubling to our souls. Years of ED have taken a toll.

Good for you. I find such conversations very helpful. One flavor of conversation is academic and, while not leading to sex, does keep misundrstandings at a minimum. The other flavor of conversation leads to some very sexy talk, flirting and such and does lead into foreplay and sex.

Question for you guys that us injections or implants that come fairly quickly. Do you find you lose your sexual energy or interest after ejaculation?
(edited for focus)
I think the biggest take away is after I ejaculate sex is not over. Although she see it entirely different.
She herself is pretty much a one and done woman. Once she comes it does trigger my ejaculation most of the time. And sex does end.

Yep. My energy falls off a cliff after I ejaculate. Having an implant, I can continue, but it helps if I have prepared by having had a good night's sleep, eaten well and not too much, etc. Not unlike preparing for an athletic event (though I would not suggest you characterize sex with your wife with that imagery). Also, since I do not lose the erection, we start out in a more energy-intensive position and after my energy level falls off, switch to a more energy-conserving position to continue coitus. A little planning goes a along way.

Most women are not "one and done", but often women adjust their expectations and habits to match their man, and become "one and done" to minimize frustrated expectations. Maybe include this in your next talk?

(edited for focus)
2. Second take away from out talk today. She said she takes the lead from the man.
Because of my ED, there wasn't much lead. I had very little confidence. it got to the point that before when using Viagra she would hint she was interested in sex. I would pop pill, and we would have sex. Doing this Sex (in general) worked 85-90% of the time, although she would likely put it at 50-60% success.
I've read several theories about this. One being that the man is often the aggressor and women don't have to take responsibility for being the bad girl. Not sure how true this is, but it makes sense.

3. I told her, (Actually we both said) what we've been doing is not working. And we both agreed. I think we both need to examine what we have done, and make changes. We both find the lack of sex, very troubling to our souls. Years of ED have taken a toll.

Yes, again. Even before ED, I shied away from taking the lead (part of a religious upbringing) and ED conditioned me to shy away from initiating sex even more. Even four years after implant I still havenot shaken the tendency for reticence even though my girlfriend would love for me to be more assertive about initiating sex. I am working on that (see my comment about sexy talk) with sexting, sexy emails, sexy phone calls (what I call "aural sex"). It is not that she does not like playing the "bad grl"...it is that she gets the feeling of desirability (from being pursued or "taken" or seduced or whatever).

[sogwap]

Update: Change of heart

Last week we had another talk. We both agreed that after years of dealing with my ED/PE, and now using Trimix with an erection that lasts much longer, that we need to scale things back a bit regarding expectations.

We then engaged in the act three nights in a row. Took a break for a night, and engaged again last night.
I have yet to tell her the recommend no more than every other night.

[Old Guy]

Update: Change of heart

Last week we had another talk. We both agreed that after years of dealing with my ED/PE, and now using Trimix with an erection that lasts much longer, that we need to scale things back a bit regarding expectations.

We then engaged in the act three nights in a row. Took a break for a night, and engaged again last night.
I have yet to tell her the recommend no more than every other night.

That's great to hear! Glad you two figured things out.
PS- you DON'T have to tell her about recommended usage.

[Agfa13]

Sogwap, glad you talked it out. I was beginning to get worried that, as soon as you conquered one task, she came up with another...Sheesh!
You definitely need HER support. It is not fair to you that she compares you to her previous lovers. You got married for a reason.
Sex is an important part of a marriage, but it takes two to tango. You still have bills to pay, lives outside of the bedroom!
I agree, she was hung up (no pun), on your erection, but that was because of he not taking responsibility for her pleasure.
Sounds like you 2 are headed in the right direction by helping one another.
There are other ways to help, you should experiment. Toys, lubes, lingerie, etc can play a big part. Remember the commercial, a mind is a terrible thing to waste