a little humor

[Trying Hard]

And Then The Fight Started...


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started... ----------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming Anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 In about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale. And then the fight started... ----------

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace Expensive... So, I took her to a gas station. And then the fight started... ----------

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing My curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is Proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.' And then the fight started... ----------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I Kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to Drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she Hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think that a person could go on Celebrating that long?' And then the fight started... ----------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my Order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" "Nah, she can order for herself." And then the fight started... ----------

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a Compliment." The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's near perfect.' And then the fight started..... ----------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started.... ----------

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her Not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday. And then the fight started..... ----------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy . That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?' And then the fight started..... ----------

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, Grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a Torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband Is out fishing in that?' And then the fight started ... ----------

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" And that's when the fight started.... ----------

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started.

12 Italian Priests

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his , and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up...

.....then all the other bells started to ring.

Secret

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent ," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . You explain the 3 kids."

Single vs Engaged vs Married

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask.

When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?

The Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (because they are plugged into a genius) -----------------------------------------------

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? (they don't have enough time) -----------------------------------------------

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions) -----------------------------------------------

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock) -----------------------------------------------

----------------------------------------------- 5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties) -----------------------------------------------

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy) -----------------------------------------------

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't know.....it never happened) -----------------------------------------------

----------------------------------------------- And the personal favorite: 8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn) ----------------------------------------------

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart... Then you are just an old sour fart! -----------------------------------------------

One for the ladies....... One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma ..'

And they say blondes are dumb... -----------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.' The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...' -----------------------------------------------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?' 'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied. ---------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor -----------------------------------------------

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN -----------------------------------------------

Q: Why do little boys whine? A: They are practicing to be men. ----------------------------------------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough -----------------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.' ----------------------------------------------


1. The French Girl

A woman goes to France to attend a 2-week, company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers, “Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?”

The husband laughs and says, “A French girl!”

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks “So, honey, how was the trip?”

“Very good, thank you”.

“And, what happened to my present?”

“Which present?”

“What I asked for…. the French girl?

“Oh, that? Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if it is a girl…”

The Italian Girl

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drug store and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant! Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning; your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be two factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they each will receive a factory and $2,000,000.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You f*** her again."


1. WHY AM I MARRIED?

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' 'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: 'Husband Wanted'. Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished . A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?' Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

A young son asked, 'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?' Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

Then there was a woman who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.'

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go t! hrough l ife thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!' Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

' A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death '

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the up

1. A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.", to which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too.
THE BURGLARS

George Phillips of Grand Falls, Newfoundland, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he had left the light on in the garden shed which she could see from their bedroom window.

George proceeded to the back door to go outside to turn the light off but immediately saw that there were people in the shed and they were stealing things. He immediately telephoned the police and told them that there were burglars in his shed. The officer asked, "Is there a burglar in your house?" George replied, "No." The officer then said that all the patrols were busy and that he George) should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said ok and hung up the phone. He counted to 30 and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were burglars in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all." And he hung up. Within five minutes, three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence.

Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George replied, "I thought you said there was no one available!" –

1. Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!


couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.

She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."

1. george carlin's new rules
New Rule: - Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing th ese days: - mowing my lawn.

New Rule: - Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: - Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: - lucky *******s.

New Rule: - If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of yo ur idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: - Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: - do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: - There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this **** at the supermarket? Water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: - The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *******.

New Rule: - I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: - Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your . And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: - I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: - If you're going to insist on making movies based on< FONT color=navy> ****py, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: - No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.

New Rule: - And this one is long overdue: - No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or ju st some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: - When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.



1. Making babies....
The Browns were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a
>> surrogate father to start their family.
>> On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr Smith kissed his wife
and
>> said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
>> Half an hour later, just by chance, Roger, a door-to-door baby
>> photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning
>> madam, I've come to..."
>> "Oh, no need to explain, I've been expecting you," Mrs Brown cut in.
>> "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well good! I've made a specialty
of
>> babies."
>> "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat."
>> After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
>> "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on
the
>> couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometime the living room
floor is
>> fun too... you can really spread out!!"
>> "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and
me."
>> "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if
we
>> try several different positions and shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm
>> sure you'll be pleased with the results."
>> "My, my, that's a lot of..." gasped Mrs Brown.
>> "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be
in
>> and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm
sure."
>> "Don't I know it," Mrs Brown muttered.
>> The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
his
>> baby pictures.
>> "This was done on top of a bus."
>> "Oh my gawd!!" Mrs Brown exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
>> "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider
their
>> mother was so difficult to work with."
>> "She was difficult?" asked Mrs Brown.
>> "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get
the job
>> done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing
to
>> get a good look."
>> "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs Brown, eyes widened in amazement.
>> "Yes" the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too.
The
>> mother was constantly squealing and yelling, I could hardly
concentrate!!
>> Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when
the
>> squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
>> Mrs. Brown leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your
>> um....equipment?"
>> "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so
that
>> we can get to work."
>> "Tripod??"
>> "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big
>> for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's
fainted!!!"

1. Six Classic Affairs
The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying *******! You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The 4th Affair A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a ****ed thing."

The 5th Affair A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to, " his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work."

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing on Iraq. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!" His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, President looks up and asks,
"How many is a brazillion?"

1. A man moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
Come morning, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well then, just give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK then, just unload the donkey."

"What ya gonna do with em."

"I'm gonna raffle him off."

"Ya can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the guy and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898."

"Didn't no one complain?"


"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back."


WOMAN'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to the end,
And always be my very best friend.


MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh!t.

1. A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you," said the lawyer.
"But it's only $500," replied the man.
"Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him."


1. improved sex life
So this lady goes to her doctor and explains that her husband can't get it up like he used to and their sex life is suffering. The doctor asks, "Have you heard of a new drug named Zyban?" The lady says yes, but adds that her husband refuses to take pills of any kind, and certainyl won't take anything that "will make him feel like less of a man." The doctor advises the woman to slip it into his morning coffee when he isn't looking. The woman is nervous, but the doctor insists, "it will change your life within a day," so she figures she'd better try it.

A week goes by and the lady shows back up at the doctor's office and the doctor asks her how it went. The lady heaves a tremedous sigh and explains, "I snuck it into his coffee like you said. And, sure enough, within 15 minutes, he cleared off the table, threw me on it and we had the best sex we'd had in 20 years." Perplexed, the doctor asks, "What's wrong with that?" And the lady shakes her head and says, "I don't think i'll be able to show my face at McDonalds again."

1. funny thoughts.
If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
Can you make a candle out of your earwax?
When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?
If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?
Can a fire truck park in the fire lane?
Can it be cloudy and foggy at the same time?
"Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?
Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?
Are marbles made of marble?
Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?
If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived)
Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?
Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Can you get cornered in a round room?
Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?
Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?
How come we say 'It's colder than outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than since is supposed to be fire and brimstone?
Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?
Why do dogs sniff other dog?s bottoms to say hello, why don?t they just bark in their face or something?

1. Do you have a vagina?
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She
goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina'.
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same
man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'.
She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has
happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a
loving and concerned voice
'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy
shows up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for
the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm
going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to
answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going
with it'.
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same
question.
Do you have vagina'.......
'Yes' she says......
The man replies... 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to
leave my wife's alone and start using yours ?'

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer th e phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling

his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."

1. sexual harrassment
One day a lawyer was sitting in his office and a young lady ran in. The lawyer asked the lady what was wrong. The lady replied, "I want to file a sexual harassment claim against my boss." The lawyer proceded to ask the lady what happened. "Everyday my boss comes in and says my hair smells good." The lawyer looked confused and said, "I can't do anything for that unless you can bring me more eyewitnesses to the incident."

The next day the lady returns with two more women. The lawyer listened while the three ladies said the same story as the day before. "I'm sorry ladies, but I can't do anything about this situation. Is there any more information you haven't told me?" asked the lawyer. The three ladies looked at each other for a second and then replied at the same time, "He is a midget."

1. Senior Sex
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first
time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very
tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love with you.'

Yes,' she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK, he says, 'how about taking a stroll around there again and we can
do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and,
having a chuckle, he thinks to himself, 'I've got to see these two
old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so
there's no trouble.' So he follows them.

The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for
support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman,
is still watching and thinks to himself, 'I've got to ask them what their
secret is.'

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that
wasn't an electric fence.'
Three blondes find a lamp in a desert, and all start rubbing it furiously hoping to get a wish. The genie pops out, and asks the first blonde what she wants. "I want to be smarter", says the blond, and poof, she becomes a brunette. The second blonde pleads to be even smarter than the first girl to use it, and poof, she becomes a read head. The last blonde girl's turn comes, and she thinks she's got it made. "I want to be smarter than both of these girls put together, and poof! She becomes a man.

1. Another old one...

Two elderly couple in their 60s went and saw their doctor about having children. They inform the doctor that although they decided at a young age not to ever have children, they have found that something has always been missing in their life and they believe that a child is it. Concerned about their age the doctor agreed to perform test to see if they were still fertile. To his amazement he found that the woman was to able to conceive. He then handed the old man a cup and asked the man to fill it so that he may perform a sperm count. The man entered a room and reappeared a half hour later quite embarrassed. He asked the doc if it would be alright if his wife gave him a hand since he still was unable to fill the cup. The old man and the old lady exit the room an hour later, both with an embarrassed look on their face. The man gives the empty cup back to the doc and says,
"Well sir, I tried with my right hand, and nothing. I then tried with my left hand, nothing. Bertha tried with her right hand, then she tried with her left hand, nothing. She tried with her teeth in and with her teeth out. But damn it we still could not get this damn lid off of this cup."


An American is having breakfast, in Paris, one
morning (coffee, croissants,bread, butter and jam)
when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.
The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a
conversation.
Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't.
In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a
container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and
sell them to the states."
The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the
bread??"
American: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his
teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all
the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle
them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the states."
After a moment of silence, The American then asks:
"Do you have sex in France?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
American: "And what do you do with the condoms once
you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a
container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to
France."


A woman walks into her home all excited. "Honey, pack your bags, I just won the lottery!"

"Oh really!?" he replies. "Well should I pack for someplace tropical or maybe winter gear for skiing?"

The woman replies, "I don't care where you go, just get the out!"

1. WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.

I Love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila



Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum tubes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

Walter

A Florida couple, both well into their 70s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with
the way you have intercourse.'



He thanks them for coming, he
wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.


The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'


The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married so we can't go to her house.

I'm married and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and
I get $43 back from Medicare.

During a visit to a mental asylum, I asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?'

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.
If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,


'I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son.'

He answered, 'That's okay.'

'I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store,
it would make me feel so happy.'

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, 'Goodbye, Mom.'

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day,
he went to pay for his Groceries.

'That comes to $121.85,' said the clerk.

'How come so much. I only bought 5 items..'

The clerk replied, 'Yeah, but your Mother said You'd be paying for her things, too.'

1. So, me and the misses aren't talking at the moment, she's angry that I didn't open the car door for her.

It's not my fault, I panicked and swam for the surface...


1. Christmas Humor
A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day when she got home
she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day when he got home he
told his wife that he had slept over at a mate's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed
that he was still there.



An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed
be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'
The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.'
Women they think of everything!!!!

1. The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now"!

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.


"This is $200," she says. "I want one that's more sheer," says he.


"This one is $350." "I want it even more sheer than that."


"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!"


The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her. Saying "Go put this on and come down to model it for me"


His wife goes upstairs opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference.


So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she says.


", you'd think for $500 they'd iron the thing"