The mind game

[Frank Talk Admin]

A while back, one of the guys talked about turn ons before getting ED. Things are different now. What used to be the trigger that pushed him over the edge into a great orgasm just doesn't work anymore. It's a new mind game.

It's also an emotional mine field. We tend to feel broken, like damaged goods, or like a patient. How do you guys adjust your mind and soul to the new realities? How do you cope with what ED has done to your relationships? Dating? Marriage?

It seems that this is where the rubber meets the road in all this stuff. The brain is the most important sex organ. How do we use it to our advantage?
Paul

[franglais]

x

[PK Man]

Mike

Your last post says it all!

[Cajun Jeff]

Mike and PK I can not agree with you more.

Jeff

[skeener]

You guys have said it all.

Four months and I am mourning my loss. Trying to live with it.

Franglais mentioned the loss of the ejaculate. I am not even close to thinking about that yet.
Oh sigh -- I used to be so happy with Mr. Woody. I had a very active cowper gland and so I had a lot of precum. Never rushed to penetration but it was such fun to fool around with the cowper gland keeping everything oiled and it felt so good.

Cowper gland is gone, gone, gone. Sad, sad, sad.

I have been working very "hard" to get Mr Woody primed again.

Went into an adult store to get a VED. Of course, there would have to be a mid twenties sales clerk on duty. She took one look at me and said "We don't sell the electric models here!"
I blushed and said "that's fine I'll look around." Had never been in a sex shop -- lol -- a little late now to use these rows and rows of sex toys or is it?

I did buy this Chinese made VED. It has got a ribbed rubber insert and two (count em two) stimulators. There is just a tiny slit for Mr Woody. That's fine with me, because all I got now is a tiny woody. Took a while to get him in, used the suction and then turned on the vibrators. Now this is nothing like real sex, but hey – not a bad feeling. Quite pleasurable actually.
Have been doing this for six weeks now. Started adding 25 mg Viagara. Noticed Mr Woody is starting to plump up. Hope this is a good sign.

Now that Mr Woody is plumping up a bit, it is harder to get him into the VED. Thought I would use baby oil to help lubricate. DO NOT DO THIS!! Sure Mr. Woody was sucked in but so was one nut. I can tell you, if you do this, you will NOT do it again, ever.

Now someone on this site suggested getting a vibrator. That was my next step. 20 minutes of the VED, little nip of Viagara then stimulate Mr. Woody with the vibrator. This could be promising in the long term. For now though it is all rather odd. My frenum (??) likes being stimulated. If I watch some porn (this is new to me too!) I feel my balls start to expand and then I get this wimpy baby climax.

Is this all I am to expect, or do you think that if I keep using the VED and the Viagara and the vibrator that things will improve.

I do not want to stick needles into Mr Woody nor do I want to have a penile implant.
Also do not like getting a message from my internet provider that I have used all my month’s bandwidth (watching porn) by the 15th of the month.

For now, masturbation will have to do. Hey I'm not against masturbation. Been doing it two or three times a week for 50 years. Yes, I do wear glass but no hairy palms.

Sure would be nice to have a partner again.

Any comments?
Skeener

[jackpTenn]

skeener

Most of the guys on this forum can relate to you better than I. My problem was peyronies not PCa but some of the effects on the penis and mind are the same.

IMHO you need a better quality VED. The porn shop ones do not get the job done. A VED with a constriction ring should allow you to have sex again. The same, sorry no. There is nothng like a natural erection, but the implant comes real close, and after a litttle use becomes a natural part of you.

My loss of penile size and the side effects of peyronies took several years before 99.9999% ED. Just hard to write 100%, a mind thing.

I am lucky to be married to a lady that supported me all the way. From the first ntoice of peyronies all the way through a failed implant to a secesseful implant at Vanderbilt.

The sudden loss because of the PCa must be hard on you, as it would be any man. There are several on this forum that can relate. Check in on the chatroom in the evenings and talk with these guys. Fun, straight talk and we can all relate to each other.

Good Luck my firend, just remember as bad as you feel now there is light at the end of the tunnel.


JackP

[Steve57]

I think Mike's post says it all! My problem was also caused by PCa and my surgery was 5 months ago. While I have regained the ability to control my bladder, my ED has shown very little improvement. I was able to achieve an orgasm about 2 months post surgery and when there was no ejaculate, I too felt as though I had "lost" something that helped define me as a man. it was bad enough to have an orgasm without a full-blown boner, but then there was nothing to "show" for it? This has been a struggle for me as it has most guys. While I realize our cock doesn't define who we are as a person, it is tied to our societal definition of being a man...not the size but the function. At times I feel emasculated because of this, but with the support of guys like those I have talked to in this group, I am learning to cope with this and things do seem to be getting better, but I think this is a process all of us go through. Perhaps mine will improve as time goes on, but it is still something I contend with at least once a day....lol

Steve

[Thomas]

I have to agree with much that has been written in this thread, but I am also going to challenge everyone. How have you successfully dealt with these mental challenges? I'll share some of the "mind exercises" that I have used, but I would love to hear what others have done.

Soon after my RP surgery when I realized that my orgasm was very different, almost boring, I decided to think back to when I was 12 and first learned about masturbation. Think about that time, it took forever to reach climax, the orgasm was minimal (although at the time you thought it was great), and it took forever to reach. Well, this was me after surgery. So I decided that my body was different now, and just like when I was 12, I had to relearn my orgasm and make it great. This helped me get through the terrible feelings and thoughts I would have that my orgasm now sucks! I was determined that I would learn how to make it better. Well 18 months later, although my orgasm is different, it's really good and powerful (I also learned not to compare). This wasn't easy and took time, but for me, it worked. BTW, on average I'd orgasm every day - practice makes perfect

Another challenge I had was reaching orgasm while having IC with my wife. I could reach it during manual stimulation, but during IC I had lots of mind games going on; one of my orgasm thoughts was to cum inside her... well that's not going to happen! would the Viagra erection last long enough for her to orgasm? for me to orgasm? Ahhhhh, my mind was a mess... erection would just fizzle out.

So, my wife and I started having just IC with the agreed conclusion that neither of us would have an orgasm. Let's just put it in and enjoy how it feels. Well, with the "pressure off", she actually orgasmed quickly (seems she was under pressure to orgasm so that I wouldn't hold back). A couple of sessions later, I was able to reach orgasm. We thought about the feeling of being inside of each other (well me in her) and not the pressure of the final act. Hey, without a doubt, I was a "stroke and poke" kind of guy! So this is all new to me and takes time to master!

So, I'm still a work in progress, but I hope all you guys out there are not dwelling in sorrow too long (I did for a while), and start tackling this stuff. Remember, men are "fix it" by nature, so take advantage of that primal instinct and let's find ways to work through these mind issues.

- Tom

[barrystheman]

For me this was the hardest thing to deal with after developing ED.
I first became aware of ED after having meds prescribed for having high blood pressure.
To begin with it was only now and again that I had problems trying to maintain an erection during intercourse.
However, the more it started to happen the more I started to worry about it.
It became a vicious circle, as I worried more and more that it was going to be another flop it usually ended up as being a flop.
The pressures that I felt under were becoming a nightmare.
I had a difficult childhood and teen years, it left me with low self-esteem and low self-worth as a man.
The problems I know faced with ED totally emasculated me. I felt a complete failure as a man and husband.
After 2 years of this living hell things came to a head for me whilst on vaction with my wife. Vacation was usually a time when I enjoyed sex the most, no stress and pressures from work. I remember walking along the sea front hand in hand with my wife, as we strolled lots of couples were passing us, they too were holding each others hands.
I remember looking at the other guys who passed with their wives and thinking of the sex that they would most likely be having during their vacation. It made me feel really bad about my situation.
Depression soon set in and hit me severely.
I eventually had to go and see my doctor regarding the depression, I also took the chance to tell him of my ED.
He was very understanding, told me that he wished that other men in my home town would be so open and honest about ED.
I have been on viagra, cialis, now levitra which seems to suit me best. My sex life is back and my self-esteem is getting better every month that passes.

thanks to all you guys that have sent in posts, it has helped me tremendously.
Barry

[Peckerwood]

"Although I have not had surgery and have no problems with blood pressure, cholesterol, etc., just being 70, so much of what you expressed about the challenges of ejaculating during intercourse describe me perfectly. I look forward to reading your other posts, as they contain some meaningful insights."

I have to agree with much that has been written in this thread, but I am also going to challenge everyone. How have you successfully dealt with these mental challenges? I'll share some of the "mind exercises" that I have used, but I would love to hear what others have done.

Soon after my RP surgery when I realized that my orgasm was very different, almost boring, I decided to think back to when I was 12 and first learned about masturbation. Think about that time, it took forever to reach climax, the orgasm was minimal (although at the time you thought it was great), and it took forever to reach. Well, this was me after surgery. So I decided that my body was different now, and just like when I was 12, I had to relearn my orgasm and make it great. This helped me get through the terrible feelings and thoughts I would have that my orgasm now sucks! I was determined that I would learn how to make it better. Well 18 months later, although my orgasm is different, it's really good and powerful (I also learned not to compare). This wasn't easy and took time, but for me, it worked. BTW, on average I'd orgasm every day - practice makes perfect

Another challenge I had was reaching orgasm while having IC with my wife. I could reach it during manual stimulation, but during IC I had lots of mind games going on; one of my orgasm thoughts was to cum inside her... well that's not going to happen! would the Viagra erection last long enough for her to orgasm? for me to orgasm? Ahhhhh, my mind was a mess... erection would just fizzle out.

So, my wife and I started having just IC with the agreed conclusion that neither of us would have an orgasm. Let's just put it in and enjoy how it feels. Well, with the "pressure off", she actually orgasmed quickly (seems she was under pressure to orgasm so that I wouldn't hold back). A couple of sessions later, I was able to reach orgasm. We thought about the feeling of being inside of each other (well me in her) and not the pressure of the final act. Hey, without a doubt, I was a "stroke and poke" kind of guy! So this is all new to me and takes time to master!

So, I'm still a work in progress, but I hope all you guys out there are not dwelling in sorrow too long (I did for a while), and start tackling this stuff. Remember, men are "fix it" by nature, so take advantage of that primal instinct and let's find ways to work through these mind issues.

- Tom