Want to make things work for my wife

[sleeptheclockaround]

Hi there,

I'm Peter in New Jersey. 30, married with one son. I've had diabetes practically since birth and a lot of complications from that, including ED, kidney failure, heart failure, neuropathy of the GI tract. It's affected my health to the point where I had to step down from my job and I've been on disability. for over 4 years, which is around when the ED started. Around the time I was so sick, sex just wasn't even on my mind, but I stopped having erections and wet dreams, and every attempt at sex was a disappointment to both me and my wife. My doctor put me on VIagra because it is supposed to help with both ED and gastroparesis. It didn't do anything for the GP but I was able to perform in bed again and even got my wife pregnant, which is probably the best thing that happened to either of us.

Two years ago, I was sexually assaulted. It involved injuries to my groin area and my butt. I still have to have surgery to have my ass put together but can't go through with it because I'm worried it will dredge up disgusting memories. I was in constant pain after the rape & assault, the pain was in my scrotum. Finally, I went to the urologist (a different one, since we had moved) and he did an ultrasound of my testicles and said one of them had to come out because there was dead tissue. The whole thing was incredibly traumatic and just felt like an echo of the assault. It is hard to go there and really look him in the eye and talk about this stuff. My wife has been incredibly understanding and supportive, but she also has said that she has "needs" and is sexually frustrated. It's been over 2 years since we've had sex. She doesn't put a whole lot of pressure on me, but I know she is unsatisfied with me.

We tried once with the Viagra after the rape. I wasn't able to get hard. She broke down and cried, I felt like garbage myself. I gave up told myself I wouldn't ever have sex again. She didn't know about the rape at the time, and I was still in a lot of pain because of the injury. After being humiliated and used as a sex object forced to have gay sex, it was easier to see myself as asexual rather than admit that I still wanted that closeness with my wife, but am just really afraid of rejection. She was the one who found this site and suggested I join. She told me that she isn't bitter about waiting, but also that there are all these options that I haven't even tried.

The urologist who performed my surgery said that there's a good chance I should respond to ED meds. He wrote me a prescription for Cialis and told me that if it doesn't work, "we'll go from there." My wife promised not to mention any "cialis moments" but I still don't have the guts to fill the prescription. I'm so worried that she won't want me if it doesn't work. And if it DOES work, I also worry because she might not enjoy sex as much after the rape as before, and there are 1,000 reasons why I feel dirty and disgusting. My wife really wants her lover back and I think it is time for me to figuring out how I can make that happen.

[perform421]

Hi Pete,
You shared your story with some of us in the Chatroom last night. Your story is so horrific that most of us can't imagine what you are going through. You are fortunate that your wife is understanding and sent you here. As stated last night, I would fill the Cialis prescription. I don't see what you have to loose?
I am a newbie here and just in a week, I have found a group of "brothers" that have walked in my shoes and know what I have gone through with my RRP. These are a great group of nonjudgmental guys. You are among friends.

Rick in TX

[antelope]

Wow, Peter, you've been through enough at your age to last a lifetime. Hopefully, you've hit bottom and can rebuild from here. You've come to the right place if you're seeking real world information from regular guys. The folks are FT are very supportive and will more more open than you can imagine. I can tell you this. There are multiple therapies/remedies for ED and I'm confident that one or more of them will work for you. So, number one, be assured that there is a solution for you. Number two, know that we have your back. You can rant and rave to us and we'll never be anything but understanding, hopeful and helpful.

Read all you can about the various possibilites: pills, pumps, injections, implants. When one doesn't work, move on to the next one. Given the pyschological trauma you've been thru, you might want to start pumping. If nohting else, just experiencing the sensation of an erection--and keeping that tissue stretched and healthy--should give you a boost. I would also urge you to consider some counseling. You've been thru hell, my young friend, and it can't be easy dealing with the repurcussions. Professional help might just be the first step toward recovery.

Don't go away. We're here to help.

Greg
Baton Rouge

[sleeptheclockaround]

It's really healing to be able to talk about this here, and actually has me thinking a lot about how I relate to other men.

Before the rape, I had a lot of guy friends and hung out with them all the time. Getting sick made my circle of friends grow smaller (my wife's too) but there was a core group of friends who stuck around and could handle it. The rape is what made me distance myself from those remaining friends because it has affected me in a lot of ways and I'm just not the same. When they're around me they pick up that something really is wrong and I have always wondered what their reactions would be. I have established a few friendships with men who have survived sexual assault, and can be open with them, but it also means a lot to be receiving acceptance from men who are not survivors.

Just thinking about erections is triggering. The rapist tried to get me hard when he was assaulting me, but when I didn't, he used a lot of threats and guilt. I am not (and never have been) attracted to men but I had to do things I hated because he threatened my life. He said so many things that really ripped me apart inside, including that my wife must be cheating on other men because I couldn't get it up, etc. It really messed me up and I checked out of my body (which has failed me in a lot of ways, it si the reason why I couldn't get away), still have a hard time with mentally being OK with existing within my body. my therapist says I have PTSD and depersonalization disorder from the whole thing. But he also said that getting the erectile dysfunction sorted out might make me feel like a sexual being again.

I am really embarrassed if my wife ever sees my penis. I can't make eye contact with her anymore and she knows I only have one testicle, the other one is fake. I don't even know if it will feel good... maybe it will hurt. the whole area around my penis is still really sensitive but parts of my scrotum are numb. My doctor said that treating this is just like treating a kidney problem or an eye problem, but there is so much more going on.

I really appreciate all the support there is here. just being able to say this happened helps a lot.

[antelope]

We're here for you. Big ears, no judgements. Has your therapist suggested bringing your wife in for some sessions? Seems maybe you both could benefit from that. But I'm grasping--certainly not qualified to suggest who needs what or how therapy should progress. What I do know is that limp dicks can be cause by psych issues and almost always PRODUCE psychological symptoms--depression, withdrawal, the whole gamut. I agree with one thing--finding a way to get hard again and feel that sensation again might just make a world of difference.

Best wishes; manly hugs; God's peace.

Greg
Baton Rouge

[Dave48003]

Hello Pete, I'm Dave. I'm twice your age and haven't been through half as much!

Wow, your stories could make for a soap opera! Sorry, I hope the humor doesn't offend you, but my way of coping with the bad things is to accept them and make fun of them, even if it means making fun of myself, sort of. I'm not sure any of us can relate to the trauma you have suffered. We can relate to the limp dick, the shame, the feeling of being less manly, being envious of just about any man who even looks virile, the list is endless. I knew all of this before I had my implant. I also knew from my friends on here that the implant would be life changing. One guy related he would do it again even if he never intended to have sex, just for his own edification. I wasn't prepared for what a positive impact it would be until after the surgery.

I'm saying this as a way to encourage you to take small steps forward. Mike Utley was a Detroit Lion and suffered a paralyzing injury that left him paralyzed, never to walk again, so they said. Today, he can walk. Lots of hard work and determination. You have support, a loving wife and a great group of guys here in your corner. Get some counseling. Get comfortable admitting what happened, then visualize lifting it off your shoulders like a 50 pound bag of potatoes and ridding yourself of the burden. I'm a Christian, I visualized laying my burden an the foot of the cross, it worked for me. Turn around and walk away from it in your mind. It will never leave, but it gets easier. When you feel the weight, do it again, unburden your self. Your physical being also needs some help, some training. I don't pretend to know what your path will be, but I do know you have to move forward. Do you have one of your "old" friends who you can confide in? You might be surprized to find out how accepting they can be.

Good luck, think hard!

Dave

[Muz061]

Wow Pete, you have one massive story.

Don't dismiss advice from guys here who on paper don't have much in common with your situation. For example I am 57 and live in New Zealand. I had prostate surgery which appeared to be unsuccessful at "nerve sparing". Although looking from 30 to 57 you may think sex isn't that important for older guys. Wrong, we all have male identity issues and sex is not something many guys are happy to say goodbye to, no matter how old. By the way I think of myself as young and physically active. Romance is a beautiful thing, more than ever IMO.

We all have significant sensitivities about our male sexuality at Franktalk. Without downplaying your massively cruel experience, adversity can be a big teacher of character. One of my friends lost both his legs before his teenage years and is one of the most successful men across a range of sporting and business and relationship yardsticks of anyone I personally know. He is also a grandfather. There is a way back if you believe there is.

I get the feeling you need to draw closer to your wife, not be defensive. Those *&^$holes that did those things to you are the ones who should feel deeply ashamed not you. But that's the tendency with abuse and especially sexual abuse because it is of necessity, such a private thing. Try to take the burden from you. You are not a gay or bisexual pervert and sicko like those guys.

When it comes to your wife, I think you have to trust that she is not going to downgrade you when you tell her your experience, your feelings. Especially if you express a determination to reclaim your life AND get closer to her. Most women crave intimacy of the communication kind, surprisingly more than physical sex. The frankness which can come into your relationship can fuel greater love and intimacy.

As Dave said, putting your burden at the feet of the God who promises us compassion and healing woks if given faithful persistence. I don't know how "faith" sits with you but as one who has walked "both sides of the street" I can say healing is available for those who stay faithful, especially through the suffering. You don't even have to be "religious", just move to a place of gratitude in spite of terrible experiences.

On the physical side there are many remedies and interventions to deal with the ED which is likely, and understandably, psychologically originated. Cialis is a no-brainer IMHO. Lots of guys longer than you are using these drugs which can overcome minor to moderate ED. Injections which are nowhere near as freaky as we first imagine are for almost every guy a guarantee of sexual function at it's basic level.

Keep in community with guys here, for me it has been a huge step up to regaining my masculinity. Good luck Pete, and what you do about your situation will be the most important thing in the next phase of your life, if not the rest of your life.

[sleeptheclockaround]

As for faith, I am a believing Catholic and do believe in the power of prayer. I hope it is His will to heal me of this using whatever means are available, but I'm not at the point where i can just "get over' what happened... it is a process. It's like I had my life all organized, I thought I knew what I was made of and where my life was going, and this guy just shattered it all into a million pieces. Some of the pieces will be put back together in a way that looks a lot like the old me... some of the pieces might get put together, but in a way that looks nothing like what it looked like before. And there might be some pieces that find their way out of my sight and I will never find them. I hope for my wife's sake and mine that the ED is something that can be put back together and restored.

There was a point during the abuse where he realized that my body didn't respond at all to what he was doing, not even slightly. He made all these emasculating comments about my penis and how my wife must be so unsatisfied that she was probably cheating on me. His exact words (about my penis) were "It might as well not even be there."

THat's where I've been stuck. it's been two years and I'm starting to have sexual feelings again, which scare the shit out of me. Even though time has gone by, things have happened, my son is already 19 months old and I am in a safer place now, it is like that moment in time is suspended and I'm still there. My therapist encourages me to try to find ways in my life to "talk back" since i couldn't do that at the time. I guess being here and trying to fix this problem is my way of having the last word.

[Dave48003]

Pete - I agree, the talking back part may be exactly what you are doing on here! I know I have to write things in order to sort them out in many cases. I'm glad to hear you are Christian. You know that God is in charge of everything, and he knows all. He also has promised to hear and answer all prayer, and that all things will work for the good of those who love Him. As I've told others, and have been reminded myself, it may be very hard to find the good in some situations. We may never know why things have happened until we get to heaven. We have to trust. I've been in those type of situations.

As for the cruel words about your penis, believe it or not, I was in the same situation. I was unable to get an erection without some kind of help. So lying beside my wife and wanting to be intimate had no effect, try as she might, it was limp. The ability to spontaneously have an erection again was the main deciding factor in being implanted. I had suffered with E D since my teen years. I just kept getting worse as age, high blood pressure, diabetes, and stress all took their toll. So, I can relate, believe me, that part I fully understand. I can only encourage you to accept what is and look for ways to "make lemonade" with the lemons you have been given.

One step at a time! Godspeed!

Dave

[3mtrship]

You have a worthy goal Peter and many of us would like to help you achieve it. My contribution follows.
I contacted the Florida Abuse Hotline and they gave me the number for the New Jersey Abuse Hotline ( 1 877 652 2873 )
They also gave me the number for the National Abuse Hotline ( 1 800 656 4673 )
Both of the councilors I spoke to said "A Key first step is to file a Police Report" That will trigger a harvesting of local "provider" information specifically designed to help both you and your family move forward away from what happened and get on with your lives.
Change Subject: Good Cheap ED drugs come from All Day Chemist ( http://www.alldaychemist.com ) ( Toll Free + 1(866) 403-5832 ) with no prescription and I have bought them twice in the past 2 years and been satisfied and use them several times a week.
When you look at the web site please find the Double Pills Offer section on page right side. It makes your money go farther. Let me break this down for you Pete.
Viagra is Sildenafil Citrate and I buy the 100mg 20 pills + 20 pills=$24
Levitra is Vardenafil and I buy the 20mg 20 pills + 20 pills=$42
SubTotal $66
Shipping $25
Total $91
I cut the Viagra into 4 pieces and the Levitra into 2 pieces. So for $91 we get around 240 sexual episodes which will more then cover a year of sex around this house at a cost of around 40 cents each. I like that math and I like working on this stuff with her. We bath and give each other lots of skin care. You must be present to play in the sex game so get in the sex boat and go rowing. It is not easy to tell where this effort will lead you both but I sure hope you have the courage to the explore possibilities.
Remember you both have 5 senses and good minds, use them. Any sense can trigger sex and intercourse in not always necessary to give and receive love.
If you had a "sexual normal" before you were victimized it went out the window after. You must seek and find a new "sexual normal."
Kind Regards, Jim