Our partners

[Frank Talk Admin]

I've been talking to many of you and have noticed some interesting variations on how much our partners are involved in the fight against ED. Many guys do not tell their wives about Franktalk, for example. Other guys include their partner each step of the way and will even awaken them to see a nocturnal erection or morning woood.
There are a lot of mixed feelings about ED. Depression, guilt, shame, frustration, anger, hope, joy - they're all present, sometimes all at the same time. How many of you include your partner in FT? This site remains for men only, but I did meet one professional lady who ocassionally likes to read the posts so she can understand the male point of view. How many of you feel somewhat isolated from your partner in this battle? I think it might help some guys to realize that even in how they handle ED and their partners, they are not alone.
Thoughts?
Paul

[Thomas]

Personally, I have kept my wife engaged with my ED battle every step of the way. Having Prostate Cancer (surgery in 2008) suddenly change my erection forever, it was a great help having her by my side. She helped me post surgery when ED was suddenly in my life (I never felt that I was not the man in her life or that I could not find ways to satisfy her), we shared the joy of my successes (yes, I was one of those guys that woke her up at 2 AM to show her my night time woody - and she never complained!), and the fact that I have to take a pill to get an erection is something she totally accepts and embraces (she has a little pill box in her purse... named it her "little toy box"... ahhh, because the box is little.. not me .

Honestly, if anything good has come from my battle with PC, it's that my wife and I are closer emotionally, and sexually.

- Tom

[BrokenArrow]

How many of you feel somewhat isolated from your partner in this battle?

My wife has been very supportive and understanding. She was never directly involved when I was doing the injections or pumping...she told me the thought of me poking my pecker with a needle made her cringe. She kindly told me that was something that I best did alone. It probably makes most guys cringe that haven't done it before...it made me cringe when I was first trying to deal with the ED after surgery. However, the more research I did, the more I found out how many other guys were injecting. So, I went for it. I couldn't stand the thought of not being able to have a proper or at least usable chubby again.

When I had priapism, my wife was the one that drove me to the ER. The pain and discomfort was very high. Unless you've experienced priapism and the pain..it's kind of hard to convey. Even through the pain and discomfort, we couldn't help but laugh about it a few times on the way...and we've had more than a few chuckles about it since.

I don't think I necessarily felt isolated from my wife...if anything, I think I just felt isolated in general. I'd see other couples and other men and think to myself..."I'll bet he's OK...Damn..."

I was angry sometimes, sad sometimes, frustrated sometimes...

At this point, my cancer is undetectable. For some men, that may be enough and the ED is just an unfortunate side effect of being better. For me, ED was a huge quality of life issue. I never actually sat down with my wife and said that the ED was causing me a LOT of grief and to what extent that was affecting me...I probably should have. She knew it did bother me. But, like many men, I just kept that depth of frustration bottled up.

Recently, I've experienced good success with oral ED drugs that weren't working earlier on. That has lifted what seems like at least one huge cloud that I felt was hanging over me.

[Gingertom3]

Thanks to broken arrow and Thomas for their posts. Like broken arrow I bottled things up for over two years. My wife thought I didn't want her anymore. But I did. I just felt that she would reject me because of my impotence. Now that the issue is resolved we talk very openly like never before. We're like newlyweds, hugging and kissing all the time and making love every other day or even more often - even in our 60's!! And because the erection is "artificial" it takes longer to reach a climax. But my God! I'd rather spend half an hour getting there than have it done in 3 minutes or 10 at best. And she enjoys every minute of it. It's great to have an understanding and loving woman.

[BrokenArrow]

Thanks Jim!

[3mtrship]

I have been saying for a while that we can still be sexual after Prostate Cancer and ED have entered our lives.

Physical and Emotional Sex and Sexuality issues raised by cancer and aging make our recoveries difficult and different. This BB demonstrates that if you read very far back into our history.

The following resources are free and meant for all. These are partial Google books with enough showing to raise many eye brows about all related issues.

I will bet anybody here that no one can read all of the information available here without learning some new trick or treat that will add to or improve your sex life. And I mean both of you and in whatever type relationship you might find yourself.

So have at it gang and let us know how you feel after you read.

1. http://books.google.com/books?id=M_41cn ... &q&f=false
2. http://books.google.com/books?id=w7l9v7 ... &q&f=false
3. http://books.google.com/books?id=GIGphy ... &q&f=false
4. http://books.google.com/books?id=LW1tyZ ... &q&f=false
5. http://books.google.com/books?id=EG2qGv ... &q&f=false
6. http://books.google.com/books?id=Cx62zw ... &q&f=false
7. http://books.google.com/books?id=etaNYJ ... &q&f=false
8. http://books.google.com/books?id=MWdgsx ... &q&f=false
9. http://books.google.com/books?id=ngakMu ... &q&f=false
10. http://books.google.com/books?id=4tT2s_ ... &q&f=false

Feedback is always welcome, Jim

[3mtrship]

Before I start you need to know a few things about me. I am a carpenter who had cancer and ED for a couple of years. Season your judgement with those facts.
After surgery when my penis would not get hard I was mad and I no longer felt that I was able to bring sexual happiness to my mate. Is used to be so easy before. A smile , a touch in the right place, a bath, talking. Any of those things could trigger good sex. It was a natural and welcome part of our lives together.

Then cancer and ED made me feel shame and less worthy of her love. I felt confused and felt I had few options as the signs of my manhood had been taken away. I got quiet for months until she caught me masterbating late one night and she said "Please understand I am not sad that you are doing that. I am sad you are doing that without me. Cancer is not yours alone, it affects me and us. I have been walking around on tippy toes trying to helpful, supportive and allow you time to heal. That type of walking stops now."

"In our lives we have done many things together. Most with the help and support of the other. That is what couples do they help and support. Do you think you are the only one with sexual needs that should be satisfied by this marriage? People have many senses like sight, sound, taste and feel. We left some of those options long ago. Now your hurt and I want to help. I will help bring some of those variables back into our lives if you allow me too. If you do not I have some other decisions to make. So for right now go back to what you were doing but I want this selfishness to stop."

"I will not allow you to turn into a selfish old man. I want to get old together with you. There is a big difference."

So what I am saying is simple. Speak to your mate of your pain and fear, it will help you heal. It will allow you both to participate in this process of physical and sexual healing. You must seek and you will find a new normal sex life after cancer walks into your lives. If you do not seek and chose to stay quiet, sex will walk away without you and that person might also because they look to you to satisfy them.

Feedback is always welcome Jim

[dtwarren1942]

I was diagnosed with diabetes (T2) 17 years ago, My ED has been progressively increasing for the last 15 years, primarily from neuroputhy, but also as a result if increasing age (68) and lower testosterone (330 last month) which may be connected to the age issue. I started using constriction 10 years ago - my wife says "be careful, you may hurt myself". I started using Viagra also about 10 years ago, which my wife fully supports. I started using a pump 13 months ago - I do the actual pumping privately, but my wife says "be careful, you may hurt yourself". I started using Testim 10 days ago - my wife says "there is something in there that causes me to have an asthma reaction, please rub it on in the basement or when I am out of the house. She is supportive. but she has a sensitive nose so I need to be careful or I may hurt her.

She is aware that I go on an ED forum, but I doubt she would want to follow my posts. I am also a member of a PE (penis exercise/enlargement) forum, which she is not aware of my participation. I mention this because there are three or four female members, which, in my opinion, add a whole new dimension to the forum because we get to see the female perspective of our concerns. Perhaps we should invite interested female partners to join Frank Talk in order to get a female partner's perspective to our ED problems. I am willing to bet we would learn a lot from hearing from interested partners about how ED affects the relationship from the "other" side.

[3mtrship]

I agree, why don't you invite them.

Jim

[Frank Talk Admin]

Guys,
good thoughts. We have kept FrankTalk as a men only board for various reasons. One of the biggest is that men will often clam up if they are aware a woman is going to be chiming in. As one guy said, "i may discuss my ED with another man, but i sure as hell am not going to discuss my ED with another man's wife!" There are probably 2-3 other sites with small forums for ED (webmd, daily strength) and my observation is that they are almost completely taken over by women who complain about their partner's ED and his lack of doing anything about it. They have turned into hostile boards for men, and have become a venue for woman whose relationships seemed doomed for reasons having nothing to do with ED. Those boards are pretty much dead.

If we want, we can certainly think about a second site, but my feeling is, women talking about Ed seems to be common on the net. There are no other places for men only. I'm interested to hear what other guys have to say.

Everyone has fears and difficulties in communicating with partners about ED. For some guys, their wives seem almost relieved that their husbands have ED. Other guys just have a hard to being that vulnerable to a partner when they feel they should be the strong, virile performers. It's complex...and difficult.
Paul